XBLA

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Readers of Major Nelson will know that a) the new theme he’s made is, without a doubt, the most hideous selection of colours in human history. And b) his commenter’s are complete fucktards.

The above link shows what I’m talking about.

Every single Xbox live Arcade member has complained about the lack of “free stuff” – and so when they do actually release something for nowt. (Although I’m not exactly blown away by it to be fair, it’s a nice little idea and hopefully a sign of things to come)

I now draw your attention to the following comment.

Anon 3
only gold members? this sucks

Hey.. I know, I’ve got this *crazy* fucking idea. Why not go and buy a fucking gold membership you cheap cunt? – I’m being totally funny when I say that I’m an elitist cunt and think that anyone who cannot afford to pay 40 quid or whatever it is A YEAR for a gold membership should be stoned to death.

I mean it’s the price of a game for fucksake, it’s not like it’s 40 quid a month. Jesus christ, people want everything for fucking free nowadays and it’s doing my twat in. The only possible reason that I think ANYONE doesn’t have a gold membership to Xbox live is because they are a massive twat and use Xlink Kai or something (and if you do use this, then you’re an even bigger cheap twat)

I’m sure there are some script kiddies out there who could argue that 40 quid is a lot of money, but then my retort to them is “fuck off and get a job” – I was earning 80 quid a week when I was 16. Sure, my back passage was raged by sailors, but still, it was good decent hard earned money and I spent it on alcopops and games.

The way it fucking well should be.

You haven’t lived if you haven’t been in a Blackpool arcade whilst playing Outrun and some pedophile offers you to do your gear stick for you. — True Story.

Admittedly, going back to the post in question it is, on the whole, remarkably positive for something so fundamentally fucking useless. (As I view all snow globes as fundamentally fucking useless I can hardly level this criticism only at Microsoft)

The other type of comment that really gets my fucking goat is…

Louie:
“meh”

Now I know it’s cool to be all anti-establishment and to be all teenage fucking angsty and shit. My only real comment is to fuck off and die please. Now.

Seriously, if you’re so fucking down with the kids and everything is like, sooo beneath your mighty intellect, why not get the fuck out and prove it. Is it really entirely fucking necessary to post your haughty disdain for something by simply saying “meh” whenever ANYTHING happens.

Why do this? Why the fuck do you think that anyone wants to fucking listen to your fucking opinion? And if you’re that fucking conceited that you think anyone does actually care that you don’t care about anything because you’re fucking “kewl” – Why not air your fucking opinion, instead of a single word meme you fucking arsewipe.

I crave the day when the internet isn’t anonymous. That’s it’s biggest problem, the day when you have to type your postal address in whenever you want to comment is too far off in my opinion. Purely because I’d happily spend whatever traveling costs involved to go and find this louie and twat the fucker with a baseball bat.

“hi, on December 10th, did you post on an internet forum “meh”
“SAY MEH, SAY IT!” – *TWAT TWAT TWAT*
“SAY IT AGAIN YOU FUCKING WASTE OF SPACE, SAY IT… I DARE YOU” – *BIFF BAFF BOFF*

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Yes, Lady and Gent, I’ve played Death Tank on Xbox Live Arcade (Partnernet) and I can confirm that it is easily the best fucking game on Xbox 360 by a million trillion miles.

Highlights –

No longer just blitz rounds,
Stars to ground transition. (Not to mention the COOL landscapes)
It’s fucking ace.

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because this, surely, is heaven…






And if you’re worried about the video and the screenshots (and to be honest, the music in the video) then fear not my friends. Because Ezra Dreisbach himself is making this game.

If only life had a fast forward button.

Edit:

A polite plea – Please, for anyone who hasn’t played Deathtank, please, for the love of god, stop comparing it to Scorched Earth, that’s like comparing it to worms. Which is infinitely stupid, and demonstrates that you know nothing.

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Xbox 360: Death Tank To Roll On Xbox Live Arcade!

That is all

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My love for Jeff Minter is well documented but sometimes I do honestly wonder if he’s just fucking with us.

For those not “with it”, here’s the gambit in an easy to digest blockquote…

Jeff Minter is a pseudo game developer from the early 80′s and arguably 90′s – His games have three main attributes in common. 1. They usually involve goats, llamas or other such animals, 2. They usually have graphics that have been drawn by a hippy blind man on acid, and 3. They are all fucking wank. (I’d love to argue the toss and say that there is a brilliant exception, but there just isn’t)

Anyway, not long back, Jeff released a game called “Space Giraffe” and simultaniously achieved two things, firstly, he won the Chris Jones award for THE shittest name of a game in history and secondly, the game was (correctly) universally slammed as a piece of dog turd, and it sales showed that Jeff has completely and utterly missed the point of Xbox Live arcade.

In defence of his game, he then went on to comment that games such as Frogger (which I agree IS shitty death), and PAC-MAN were nothing new and didn’t deserve the astronmical sales they achieved. Arguing that trying to do something “new” with XBLA in Space Giraffe hurt sales, even though the game is basically exactly the same as his past “efforts”

Now I see that he’s releasing another game Gridrunner +++ on the service he so happily slagged. So why? Why would a person who cosmically failed previously bother to try again?

Is it perhaps that Jeff knows he’s a dinosaur from a by-gone era where he was only semi-famous for making shit stoner games and in the modern world of “indie gaming” *spit spit* he’s a nobody with antiquated ideas of what makes a decent game?

I hope this one gets slammed to shit, and personally, I hope it’s a fucking amazing game. Cos that’ll Really piss him off.

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