Trellis

Yes, it’s time for another one of those applications that may just make it into my all time top twenty billion Windows Applications of all time™

Fences is an application from StarDock that allows you to sort out your bleedin’ desktop icons into little.. well.. “fences”… which happily nests them together.

How it handles mutliple monitors and screen resolution re-sizing almost, almost gave me an erection.

It’s like the angels with their bloody harps have decided to fuck harps and start programming windows applications. That’s how bleedin’ good it is. It doesn’t even hog your system memory or reside in your fucking system tray

Anyway, don’t just take my word for it, (which even I wouldn’t) – go and download it and then come back here and post in the comments, “bloody hell, you’re fucking right, it nearly gave me an erection too”

Now, I wasn’t going to pick on Braid, I was going to just nod and go “yeah yeah” and turn the page whenever anyone does those “top-100 lists of games of 2008″ and inexplicably puts this game at number.. like. 2..

Lets be clear here. I’ve only managed to play braid in short bursts. It’s just never sat right with me. Sure, the time manipulation idea is quite cool, but it’s by no means new.

But what really gets my goat is the way the story is provided, I fucking hate it, it’s pretentious to a point of almost making me wonder “Is the guy who made this a complete twat, or is he being pseudo ironic and actually making a statement about how all games are pretentious and his is no different”… but then I realise that I was right with my first assumption.

Reams and reams of text that’s written by a fucking spacker is not my idea of great gaming. So you’ve split up with your doris, great, I know, instead of writing a critically acclaimed independent platform game with loads of new unique elements. Why not fuck off instead? Loser.

And then we move on to my two biggest fucking problems with this game. Encapsulated with this perfect screenshot.

Firstly, cast your eyes over that “ladder” climbing system. A trellis. Now, go out to your garden and find a trellis. Got it? Good? Notice anything about your real trellis?

Oh THATS FUCKING RIGHT. IT’S NOT CAPABLE OF FREELY STANDING AGAINST THE FUCKING SKY – AND ITS NOT FUCKING PERFECTLY RECTANGULAR EITHER.

ARGH. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. It hurts my fucking eyes. I can’t stand it, why did they do this to the game? Why did the put in climbing trellis’s that look so fucking hideous? Argh!, they just don’t look right. Honestly, this alone made me not like the game. Nothing to do with the cockfaced author, but because of the fucking trellis’s in the game – That’s how *I* roll mother fucker.

Second up, when I play games. I want to be a dwarf named gilius the thunder dwarf, who goes around with his fit barbarian honey twatting pygmy’s in the sack and generally being a cool mother fucker. Or maybe I want to be a pimp driving a Ferrari around corners far too quickly whilst my blonde headed bimbo sits next to me wagging her finger as I happily ignore her. Or maybe I want to be a slightly homo-looking martial arts expert looking for sailors.

However, I do not, repeat do not, want to look like a twat. Like a car-salesman twat. I don’t want to have a massive head on a suited body. I don’t want flowing red hair. I don’t want to be THIS TWAT.

I don’t want to look like a cross between Harry fucking Potter and Elijah fucking Wood. But, if you are going to make me look like a twat, at least let me have a fucking cool move that allows me to transcend my earthly looks and prove that I am actually fucking cool…. whats that?… Oh, a bottom bounce?…. Nicked from Mario 20 years back?….. Oh yeah.. Bafta fucking award then.

Final Conclusion: Anyone who defends braid as a “masterpiece” is a fucking tit who knows twat about games. Disagree? Good. I care fucking not.