Nintendo

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Now, let me get this straight from the start so that we’re all clear. I’m not against all piracy in the games industry. (Unfortunately it’s just one of those necessary evils – I’m cool with it, you should be too, I like to exact my revenge by downloading Music and Films all over the shop*)

The number of people who’ve contacted me about “R4″ and the such like cartridges after christmas this year almost takes the piss. Seriously, I can count 10 or so people who’ve all approached me and said “I got a DS for Christmas, where can I get a dodgy cartridge so I can download loads of games and not pay for shit”

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I consider myself being able to find and download pirated stuff, kind of like an industry perk. If you make games, you expect them to be copied, so therefore, you’re almost allowing other people to download your games and play them. I wouldn’t expect Id, for example, to pay for any game I’ve made, I’d let them freely pirate it and play it and then hire me. (So I can teach them good gameplay and all that – Thanks Squidy, but you knew I’d always get the final say ;) )

I sort of see it as a right, I’m allowed to download shit, because my shit gets downloaded and I don’t really mind.

It’s the people who have no input to the games industry that I don’t necessarily enjoy watching rip our games. It’s just inevitable. (And for another post, completely solvable too – I’ll discuss that one day)

Anyway… Back to the people requesting I load up a DS hack-cartridge with Barbie games because I have the technical knowledge and know how to do it (for them)….

Although I’d love to say, whenever I get such a request, I kick them in the twat and say “FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING VILLAIN! – You’re the reason I don’t get fucking completion bonuses, and to fucking ask me to facilitate your fucking enjoyment for nothing, is tantamount to me asking you to let me fuck your wife, then ask you to roof my house, and re-install the wiring.”

I don’t say this, unfortunately, but I don’t go out of my way to make it easy for them either. “Yeah, search online for one, then go and download the firmware, then buy and SD card, then copy the games over, and yeah, that’ll work”

I spent a good long chunk of my life not fingering girls behind the bikesheds, or mastering how to play pool, or being cool and learning the names of all the opening moves to chess. (Although I often bluff this when playing chess and say “Oh the reverse dixon, I’ve not seen that since I used a combination of mariot versus old-detroit style”)

The reason I didn’t do all these things was because I was playing with my joystick – fnar fucking fnar. Or I was learning MS-DOS, or I was figuring out what the fuck twos compliment meant and how it could be ignored for the rest of my single bastard life.
I spent these formative years of my life being a socially inept twat, not so you don’t have to, but in reality, to make me millions upon millions of pounds.

It really irritates me to see “Computeach” adverts on TV – They sort of go like this:-

VOICE: “Are you a social shithead who has a shitty job at woolworths?”
VOICE: “No career prospects? No money? Big Jigsaw shaped hole in your minge?”
VOICE: “WELL NO LONGER!!!1! – YOU CAN BECOME AN I.T. PROFESSIONAL AND EARN SHIT LOADS OF CASH BY SATURATING AN ALREADY SATURATED FUCKING MARKET OF ILL TRAINED I.T. FUCKING PROFESSIONALS!”

I hate how computers have become the “easy out” – I long for the days when you needed a six hour training course just to teach you how to get past the bios.

This brings me (finally) onto my point. There’s a shop down my road which is ran by a complete twat, (I say he’s a complete twat, even though I don’t know him, because he drives one of these – Have you ever seen a bigger twats car than that?)

And on his mobile phone shop window, he has an A4 piece of paper with “R4 Nintendo DS HackCartridge for sale here., £25.99″ – Now that’s really taking the piss, isn’t it? – Surely that’s not allowed. Surely the police will one day clap eyes on that and see that? Aren’t R4 cartridges completely illegal?

Or are they? I dunno…

And hence, dear viewers, it’s time to play Fighting Fantasy “Screw You Hippy”

Turn to Page 399 if you want to send a letter to F.A.S.T and get the fucker shut down and so he’ll have to sell his lovely Audi.

or

Turn to page 42 if you want to just ignore this sign and move on your merry way to somerfield.

Did you ever notice that in Final Fantasy books, if the number was above 300, it meant certain death? – It’s true. One of the most annoying ever pages I’ve ever read in one of the FF series was “Turn to page 15 – You wake to find it was all a dream. Game over”

* – Caveat Emptor – This is a joke, I don’t really download loads of music and movies at all, this was used for comic effect. Please don’t send the filth round to my address, please, I’m only kidding. I don’t even have a PC. I’m writing this using a cheese wire, a baked bean tin and a mouse. (The kind that goes squeek – No, I’m not talking about my old squeeky ball-mouse – I’m talking about oh, never mind)

Fucking awesome pirate graphic was nicked from here – In an attempt at Irony, I appreciate that taking this artwork and using for my own purposes is completely against deviantarts spirit of copyright and completely infringes all their rules, but a) I don’t care, and b) it’s about fucking piracy for fucksake… oh, and C) this image was drawn by this guy who is far and away too talented.

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Unfortunately, it appears Bob has finally snapped, it was bound to happen. Spending five bloody years making a Nintendo DS game is bound to have a negative impact on anyones brain.

For those who don’t know, Bob is a bedroom coder who’s been working on (admittedly) a fucking awesome looking Nintendo DS homebrew game for 5 years in pretty much solitary confinement. A one man project, it really does look pretty cool, (if you’re into that sort of thing)

He’s now attempting to get recognition from Nintendo to actually publish the game officially, instead of contacting an already established publisher (which I’m sure some will be interested in the project) he’s decided to attempt to contact Nintendo directly.

Unfortunately, Nintendo however have fucking big spam filters for such eventuality. They sadly don’t have internet connections and most likely don’t know what the hell bobs game is. They also don’t really like people using homebrew applications to create a game, because they have no creative control, – and they’re really really big on creative control.

-or-

They know *precisely* what Bob’s game is and know how fucking vast it is. Now, vast to some people sounds joyous, but to games publishers it sounds nasty. Vast means bugs, means play testing, means content.

And the content could be questionable, in such a huge game, what’s to say there isn’t a sister-shagging sub-plot, (like most JRPG’s) or the abilities to run over NPC’s in a taxi. That’s not nintendo’s bag baby, and especially not on the NDS.

Nintendo aren’t going to bug test a game. They expect the publishers to do this, All the big N do is accept projects for a LOT check when you become a registered developer (Which costs lots and lots of cash) – The real pity however is that I have a NDS development kit about 5 meters away from me. Awww..

Anyway, hopefully Bob will come to his senses and realise that ‘insane man’ tactics of 100 day protests and stuff is the realm of forum dickheads and shows a massive lack of professionalism, something that’ll make Nintendo even more resolute not to listen. The best bet is to play the publisher game, accept that they’ll take a cut and then be happy in the knowledge that a one man project for the Nintendo DS will still make a fucking tonne of cash if it’s any good. (If it’s not pirated to fuck that is) – with a finished project, a couple of interested publishers and a stern will and nerves, you can easily negotiate a 30-40% profit share of the game.

What IS “bob’s game?”.

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