Marking “true stories” that aren’t true

I’ve noticed something of late, and it has begun to perturb me slightly. Knowing my ability explain things in a concise, precise manner, I shall now begin to write a lengthy article based on my personal opinion with absolutely no back up of reality.

I’ve noticed, that to be good at something, you have to be utter shit at something else. And the inverse is always true too.

Let this graph hopefully explain. (Seriously, I’m not trying to rip off Xkcd here but I have a graphics tablet and the reasoning ability of a cornish pasty)

I’ve become to realise that if you’re a shit footballer, the odds are, you’re probably going to end up being a very good manager. I shall now qualify this daft statement with the following list of names.

Alex Ferguson, Rafa Benitez, Alf Ramsey, Matt Busby, Arsene Wenger, Philip Scolari, José Mourinho, Bob Paisley,

Now great players who are/were shit managers:-
Kevin Keegan, Roy Keane (spit), Gianfranco Zola, Tony Adams,

The jury is out on : Paul Ince, Gareth Southgate, Maradonna,

And that’s just the premiership….

All I can think for managers that can arguably be called “good players” and “good managers” are Fabio Capello, Franz Beckenbauer, Jurgen Klinsmann and Martin O’Neill… and like I say, I’m not exactly sure how good Capello was as a player and Klinsmann can only be arguably called a decent manager because he managed his national side.

And it’s not just football… I recently read the Wikipedia entry on Stephen Fry (mainly because he broke his arm on his tele program about America and I wondered how… He never did explain it) – and was surprised to find that Steve has done a bit of jail time.

And then it occurred to me, Mark Wahlberg was also Jailed…
And so was Tim Allen,
And so was Christian Slater,
And so was Robert Downey Jr,
And so was Chuck Berry,
And so was Martha Stewart,
And so was Nick Nolte,
And so was David Bowie,
And so was Vanilla Ice,
and so on and so on…

Caveat Emptor – Admittedly, I’ll conceed that a few of these only did a matter of hours in tweet, but still, you get my point, I’ve never even as much as looked at a long arm shank guv’nor, honest

And then I realised, perhaps to be famous you have to have been in Jail.. Maybe it’s a right of passage or something…

—-

Maybe to be a great musician your nose has to be filled with any drugs money can buy.

Maybe you HAVE to be an irredeemable twat to be a News paper editor… (I’m sure we can all figure out who I’m talking about here)

So kids, if you want to be famous. I suggest this – Go out, don’t play football, do lots of beak, and twat a policeman.

Sure. Fire. Ticket.

Steven Fry once kicked me on the London Underground – I’d love to say he was reading something like Hitch Hikers guide to the galaxy or something and we hit it off like a house on fire, but sadly, he wasn’t, and he didn’t — True Story

Oh alright, I’ll post something about the new BBC ‘Drama’ called Survivors – (I’ve just broken number #2 of my cardinal sins of blog post writing. “Don’t pretend that people are asking you to write things like you’re popular or nuffink”)

Before reading further into this post, please bear in mind that there are Spoilers and I can’t be arsed writing a specific spoilers CSS tag to hide them when you’ve not got your mouse selection highlighting them or whatnot.

And number 2, I’ve been playing a LOT of Left 4 Dead on PC and Xbox (yes, I capitulated and bought it on both)

Now, I know Survivors isn’t about a zombie apocalypse, but the same rules apply, for basic survival in a anarchic state – get yourself three things (and in this order) – 1. Weaponry, 2. Weaponry, 3. Weaponry.

With those three basic survival tools, you are much more likely to procure whatever else you like.

Honestly, these guys have apparently been some of the last (what was it now? 10% of the Human race) – I’m serious when I say I’ve been in Airport waiting lounges before now and wondered “where is my nearest weapon.. just in case, you know ” – I always sum up probably airport security, although getting it off their zombified ass’s might be quite tricky.

(On another note entirely, I once had a conversation with an Armed Airport security man about the weaponry selection of the Heckler and Koch Mp5n as a stable accurate shooting platform in a populated area like a busy Airport, he frowned upon my suggestion that he should probably look for something a little more accurate. He then asked where I was basing my information, and I responded “Counter Strike” — True Story)

And so the survivors bumble around in a big ol’ stately mansion, going to the Same Shopping area to loot food. I mean, surely that’s a basic mistake, if you’ve been threatened by a double barreled shotgun wielding mother fucker “not to come back” – going back is probably not the smartest move. Unless of course, you’re now carrying an assortment of semi automatic machine gunnery.

No, fuck looting lidl, go to the nearest police station, break into the ‘reclaimed guns department’ they’re bound to have, and find a fucking “how to shoot bad dudes” book.

Second up, go to your nearest army barracks. Same thing applies, Oh, and nick a Harrier jumpjet whilst you’re there.

Next up in “things to do whilst being the last mother fucker alive” list is, Fortify your big stately mansion – Duur, remember that thing that you’re going round doing? Looting? Yep, remember that? Well, there’s a … roughly, 10% chance that there are Other mother fuckers out there doing the same thing, and lets face it, big stately fucking manors are at the top of the list.

Yes, basically, if I ever wake up and find myself one of the last douche bags alive, you bet your ass I’ll be mad-maxing it up before you can say “Hey you guys”.

P.s. It occured to me just how many “phrases I dislike” I nearly tried to use in this post. For example, “Of course”, “Being Serious”, “But seriously”, “Honestly”, “True Story”