Low Battery.

The crack of light slowly blurred and got a little brighter. Like a slow garage door with some 80’s rock pyrotechnics going on inside, the light was like an atomic blast as I opened my eyes. My head spins as I realise I’m still seventeen times more likely to say “I’m not drunk” than if I was, actually, not drunk. The room I was in had an enormous Christmas tree in it, it’s little lights twinkling away. I wonder how many kidneys that type of tree is responsible for destroying in alcohol related illness.

Another reason to wish my eyes hadn’t opened yet (or indeed, ever again) is the battering daylight coming from the curtained windows. What is the point of having curtains that are as about as useful in blocking out light as a tea bag is in blocking out water? – Slowly focus takes me back to reality where I am; who I am; what happened. Now begins the slow process of recovery that God actually designed for the seventh day. Or was it the first? I can never remember.

Binge drinking isn’t a new thing. It’s not a new fad of popular trendy “bright young things” to go out drinking. My Grandfather used to binge drink on Sundays in two short hours. Lunch, pub, home, collapse. Same thing, just the time has changed.

The glass of water next to the sofa where I’m sleeping indicates that I either had the foresight of realising that I’d be dehydrated in the morning. Or that I was in a desperate and probably futile attempt to put some liquid in my system that doesn’t have a fancy name before I went to sleep.

My hand feels cold as I place it on my temple and wonder why on Earth I find a reason every weekend to put myself through this. “Perhaps I’ll have a great time and laugh with my mates, who knows, I might meet Angelina Jolie and someone might decide to give me millions of pounds”.

Like a tramp going through garbage, I dismantle my pockets contents and wonder if I can piece together any clues of the events of the night before. A Taxi number, some small change… But this isn’t a case for Sherlock and co, it’s what isn’t there that is significant. What isn’t there is the purple note that brings relief and many-a-smile to my face whenever I discover one in my pocket. Strangely, nore are there any Brown notes that bring the same sort of euphoria, but with precisely 50% less effectiveness. And no, no little blue ones that are invariably more crinkled and considered much less worthy.

I decide that my current lack of funds is a lesser concern as to finding my truely valuable items. My watch, and my phone. My watch, as per-roll call is residing right next to my phone. Which, now I think about it, was responsible for my waking moments.

It beeped.

“Wait a minute, my phone never beeps. It only ever beeps when there is a low battery, it can’t have a low battery because I charged it fully before I went out last night” thinks the little man that resides in the back of my brain. He sometimes answers to the name “sense”, (not a very common name I might add)

Then the slow, aching realisation hits me like yet another hangover. I pick up my phone, stare down at the “dialled phone calls” list and hold my head in my hands.

I phoned my friend, while he was on a date with his (probably) soon to be wife. If I remember correctly I phoned him because I met his brother in some bar and it reminded me that I needed to phone him. (For what purpose I still don’t know). Apparently I shouted down the phone in the deafening cacophony the name of the bar I was in, twelve times. Then I shouted “okay, Speak to you later” and then hung up. After four minutes of dance music had passed.

What amused the reciever most is that I was having a fully blown conversation with his answer machine.

I press down and stare in horror at the next number. Yes, I may have phoned San Francisco last night too. The reason I phoned so far away? Well, I won’t discuss that now because it’s not for public consumption. (No, I’m not gay) – Suffice to say, it resulted in my foot being promptly placed in my mouth. Sideways.

The phone beeps it’s low battery warning one final time and then goes black. I close my eyes to summon a similar view from my eyelids and try to get a few more hours sleep.