Beyonce FUCKING Knowles

I remember the time when I liked Beyoncé Knowles. No, seriously, I remember the time, it was exactly October 7th 2008. And then, in an instant it was like I heard a million voices cry out and then suddenly silence I’d attended Hitlers Reichstag speech. When I heard “If I was a boy”.

If I wasn’t driving, I’m sure I’d have instantly turned green, muscles popping everywhere whilst my clothes ripped, and left me with a respectable pair of purple shorts. But alas I was driving, and had to sit through Beyoncé FUCKING Knowles telling me how all men are wank.

Tar – Brush, Here go on, fuckin may as well.

If you’re fucking lucky and don’t live in a world where the fucking Radio play the same three songs all day every day, then you may not have heard it, So here are the songs lyrics. Which I enjoy breaking the copyright of.

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll outta bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted then go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it.
Cause they’d stick up for me.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I could turn off my phone
Tell everyone it’s broken
So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waitin’ for me to come home (to come home)


It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I’d forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong


But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
Yeah you don’t understand
How it feels to love a girl someday
You wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you’ve taken her for granted
And everything you have got destroyed
But you’re just a boy.

You know what word in that entire fucking tirade pisses me off the most?

“Just” – Just a boy? You fucking condescending bitch. I’m not JUST anything.

And anyway, that’s not my major beef with Beyoncé, no, I can transcend shitty song lyrics, but what I can’t condone is the following: (Little bit of background information beforehand)

For many years now, psychologists have been studying the differences between men and women, like how men are tunnel visioned because when they were cavemen they used this to “focus” on their prey, or how women cannot sleep if a baby is crying because of their instincts, or men having a lower pain threshold because a) they don’t give birth, and b) they need pain sensors to help them realise they are injured (and therefore vulnerable)

So shrinks have been researching the differences between men and women for hundreds upon hundreds of years, and unfortunately, what they don’t have is a control subject. Sure you can be a transvestite, but that is basically “pretending” to be a woman or a man when you’re not, if a man becomes a woman, his vision doesn’t suddenly become wide-angle. His pain threshold doesn’t double.

It’s simply not possible to know for certain that, for example, women see the colour blue as something else entirely.

If Beyoncé WAS one day to wake up as a man, and didn’t commit herself to scientific research to answer all these unsolved mysteries, then basically she’s a self-centered bitch.

Case ends.

So I’ve re-wrote her lyrics for her so that it better reflects what she should have done with this amazing gift.

If I were a boy,
even just for one day,
I’d wake up in the morning and say
“holy fuck me, I hope I’m not gay”

I’d get in the showerrr….
I’d wank myself offffff….
I’d put up with girls….
because I know how they moan
I’d learn to play darts,
I’d laugh and share farts,

I’d go and see a doctor,
and they’d stick it up me,
cause I’m a freak of naturrrreeee..

If I were a boy
I’d donate myself to scienceeee,
Because I was once a girl
and now I’d swear I was a man,
They’d take out my brain
Cause they know how it hurts
when women fucking nag like twats

If someone would like to sing these lyrics on YouTube and generate a million hits, that’d be fine.

Thanks for listening chillllll-dren!

P.s. Valentines day isn’t just for girls, if it was, we’d have Steak and Blowjob day as recompense

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A-fucking-men to that you spasticated ram sleeve

Clark Steel

She may be a ‘Jumped up soul singing spack monkey’…..but I’d still do her in Goldmember….ahem….

“I’ll give you ‘Sexy Cleopatra!’ you flicking dirty chuck of round bottomed’ness BIAAAAAAAAATCCCHHH!!!!”

Ooo thats a keeper….


omg whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo the fuckput this on hear i love u beyonce

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