DialEmma

And so the football season comes to a close and all is happy in the world again. The birds, tweeting their way to work this morning reminded me that there is sunshine outside.
My Xbox Red-Ringged of Death (RROD’d for the l33t) last night, preventing me from playing Gta IV – meaning I have to spend more time in beer gardens,

Everything, every single thing I can think of is pointing me towards alcoholism in a beer garden at the moment.

Even England not qualifying for the European 2008 championships is a sure sign that my kidneys are in for some serious vodka-bashing. – You see, I normally watch a few games in the comfort of my own home, when all the silly flag-painted girls of the world have gone home and given up trying to understand what the offside rule is.

For laughs nowadays, I now say things like “You’re offside when you’re in the final third of the pitch without the ball” – it’s funny watching them shout “offside” when someones about to take a penalty or something…

But because England aren’t there, I have no vested interest in the tournament, therefore, I don’t care where I watch it, which means my probability of public house presence is increased during match time between two sparring nations.

And this brings me to my dilemma, – Whom should I support?

Lets eliminate the obvious ones right from the start:-

France I couldn’t possibly support the French because I happen to think they are cunts. I’m yet to find a single example of a person who is French (or even displays French characteristics) that I’ve even remotely liked. They are, and always will be cheese eating surrender monkeys.

Germany – Now, let me be clear about this, I actually like Germans, I really do, I have absolutely nothing against them. However, in the footballing sphere, I hate them approximately 95% as much as the French. It’s the kind of hate that I feel for, oh I dunno, Italy, undeniably they are a great and successful footballing nation, but there’s just something I can’t like about them because they bombed our chippy. It’s true.

Okay, so that’s them out…

Now time for the not so obvious ones I can’t support:-

Romania – In the 1998 world cup, the Romanian team dyed their hair yellow/white because they beat England – Even though it was only in the group stage and meant next to nothing – they still felt it necessary to celebrate in a really cocky manner that should prevent Dan fucking Petrescu from entering this country on fear of stoning to death by white elephant poo. In fact, I’m sorely tempted to find the phone book, find the only Petrescu in there and ring it shouting “CUNT” at volume 11.

Holland – I can’t support Holland either, much though I admire a nation that can be famous for Pornography, drug use and prostitution, I just can’t get myself to forget the Koeman free kick goal – where, yes, he was going to fucking flick one, ALRIGHT, we’ve got it. (R.i.p Brian Moore – thanks for breaking the commentators rules of not predicting something before it happens and getting it right and for all eternity making me dislike the Dutch)

Italy – Again, I have nothing against the Italians, they are a plucky good bunch who I don’t really mind (to be all that honest) – They’ve always been super talented, and have previously been “the team I support” – (especially in World Cup 1994) – however, and this is the but, they are world champions. And therefore, I cannot support them because it would be tantamount to being a glory fan. (For all you Manchester utd fans out there, that means, supporting a team when they are winning, and then slagging them when they aren’t – I’m sure you know about that)

Greece – See above really. Only they are European champions, (and have absolutely bob hope of winning it – not that this particularly bothers me, but hey…)

Sweden – Kind of similar to Romania / Holland – I can’t forgive Thomas Fucking Brolin – and therefore, Cannot support the Swedish. For they are ego-manical cunts who have an awfully high opinion of themselves in football tournaments just because one or two of their fucking players play in Italy.

Turkey – Just can’t support these cunts because they’ve repeatedly stabbed Leeds fans.. Normally, I wouldn’t object, but to not get kicked out of Europe (like we bloody did) is a piss-take, plus they have long hair and I’m only jealous.

Austria – A couple of months ago, Austria would have been fair game, but now, what with the whole “kiddie in a basement” thing – I can’t really support them either. Sure, I appreciate I’m tarring an entire nation on the acts of one, but till I see proof otherwise, I’m from now on going to consider all Austrians Paedos.

Portugal – *sigh* – I’d love to support Portugal, but they have one distinct problem. He’s called Ronaldo, and whilst he is a very good footballer, he’s also the most arrogant prick on the planet – I cannot support such an arrogant prick, throw in the fact he’s a Man United player, and then throw in the fact that he got Rooney sent of (but for some reason everyone forgave him – Oh that’s right, it’s turncoat bloody manc’s again) – and there we have it. Sorry Deco and the others, etc etc…

The Swiss – Joint hosts. I’m not going to support them because they support Paedo’s.

So that leaves me with these choices…

Czech Republic, Croatia, Poland, Russia and Spain

For completely silly reasons, I can’t support the Czech Republic because I don’t care who you are, it shouldn’t be spelled “Czech” it should be spelled Cheque

Croatia – I don’t mind the Croatians, and to be honest there’s been very little footballing reason to dislike them either. Davor Sukur is a name that reminds me how it used to be fun to have a pointy chin. How I miss those days. – Although there’s little reason to dislike them, there’s not particularly much reason to like them either…

Poland – See above. (except the bit about Davor Sukur)

So that brings me down to Russia and Spain

Well, Although my heart says I should support Russia as a whole “thanks for supporting us in the war thing” – I can’t bring myself to support a team as boring as Russia inevitably will be in the tournament.

And so, I have decided to plump for Spain and my reasons are this:-

1.) They’ve never won a tournament – despite being bloody good in qualifying.
2.) They don’t particularly offend me, don’t strike me as particularly arrogant and I cannot recall meeting a Spanard I took an instant frenchmans dislike to.
3.) There’s very little (if any) footballing reason not to. The only result that comes to mind is that Semi-Final vs England in 1996, which we won, because they are as bad at penalties as we are.
4.) They have a few Liverpool players. (see five)
5.) They have Fernando Torres – Who’s a bit of a dream boat.

So there we go, Spain it is…