English teachers… Cunts…

Has anyone else noticed that the frequency of the word “cunt” appearing my post titles is increasing rapidly over the last couple of months… glad you did, aren’t you observant.. *pat pat*

I’ve decided that English teachers are a bunch of cunts… They fill people (children in particular) with incorrect sayings and rules for them to carry on in later life only to be proven wrong by some other smug cunt who didn’t listen and preferred to learn their English rules from bats… (or something)

Either way, I’ve decided to document each of the English teachers classic falicies in this post for us to laugh and point at. At present I can only think of two, but I’m sure as the day passes, I’ll probably hit three…

First up…

“There are no words without the letters I, O, U, A or E” in them”

WRONG the word “by” does not have these letters in them, commonly known as “vowels”, the word “my” and indeed the word “fly” and similarly bigger “try”… Infact, there are a fucking metric shit load of words that don’t have the classic “vowels” in them. And so English teachers, in their infinite wisdom, preposterously claim that “Y” is kind of like a vowel and they forgot to teach us that in primary school. Cunts.

Second…

the rhyme “I before E except after C”

Now, when I was a kid, my English teacher never taught me the difference between the word “accept” and “except” – when you say that rhyme out loud, it sounds exactly the fucking same. Now think about it this way, logically, “I before E, accept after C”

That means that CIE is a perfectly good way of saying stuff, unless you meant “except”. Accept and Except are the same bloody word when spoken by a dumb wench…

So all my life I’ve been putting I before E’s whenever they are near C’s because some cunt never explained to me that it was actually EXCEPT… Wankstains.

And to cap it all fucking off, it’s bloody well wrong too. And so, here, to prove how fucking wrong English teachers are…

Deity.. Hmmm Where the fuck is the C cunt?
Science… TYPICAL, a fucking subject they’ll see every fucking day on their time table, except they probably can’t fucking read.
Neighbours… That tv show you watch after school. Every single fucking day…

So I’ve revised this little rhyme so that it is more accurate in it’s description. I’ll admit it’s a little less catchy but it’s not as vague either…

I before E except after C, unless the word is a digraph [which don't count], and/or except the syllable sounds like “ay” as in “weigh”, unless the digraph’s syllable previously stated in the first rule sounds like “ee” (or /i:/) pronunciation. Or therein words imported from foreign languages such as “enceinte” or “dreidel”, or unless you enter the world of complicated plurals such as “fallacies” which you should be good at if you’re an English teacher, “frequencies” or any other such plural ending in “cy” according to the English rules, unless you’re american where you probably won’t use this rule at all and insert random “r”‘s all over the place and remove the letter “u” in favour of the letter “z”

I think we need to start teaching school kids this rhyme immediately.

beige, cleidoic, codeine, conscience, deify, deity, deign, dreidel, eider, eight, either, feign, feint, feisty, foreign, forfeit, freight, gleization, gneiss, greige, greisen, heifer, heigh-ho, height, heinous, heir, heist, leitmotiv, neigh, neighbor, neither, peignoir, prescient, rein, science, seiche, seidel, seine, seismic, seize, sheik, society, sovereign, surfeit, teiid, veil, vein, weight, weir, weird

are all the other ones I can think of right now…

The most insulting bit of all this is that I’m fucking shite at English and could really really have done with someone telling me that these rules suck a load of cock when I was 13, I’ve written a lot of cunting Cv’s in my time and now I realise why I don’t get the job.

*APART FROM BEING WOEFULLY UNSUITABLE*

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