TV

Auto Updates

You click open firefox, and a little box pops up telling you which, of the twenty thousand addons you have, have been updated since the last time you updated. HEY, lets look at the phrase “Auto Update” again, “Auto” shortened from Auto-fucking-matic and “update” as in, kept up to date. – Automatic updates should mean automatic up-fucking-dates. Honestly, I shouldn’t have to click “Install” to install them, it should be fucking automatic.

When a bit of new software is released, why on fucking earth would you not want to update it? “Hey, would you like me to ensure your car has new tires?” – “no thanks, I prefer the old shit ones with death embedded in it”. I can’t think of a single reason why anyone would want to say “no thanks, I don’t want to update”. Why not make the software just go “hang on there’s a new version, I’m just going to silently upgrade and let the user get on with it – I’m going to do it in such a way that the user will never actually notice the update, UNLESS with the update comes some fantastic new feature that I simply have to tell the user about, in which case, I will present this information in a modal fashion, I WILL NOT put up a message box informing the user I’m great”

And now I expect someone to pipe up and say “But what about Malware or trojans or other such stuff” – And here is my response. Why allow anything automatic to install? EVER?- When you’re installing for the first time, you should be prompted for confirmation, that’s fine. But every 0.0.0.1 version update, I really don’t give a fuck.

Futurologists

I watched the gadget show last night with two “leading” futurologists on it, what they do is sit around all day drinking flavoured coffee and spout complete and utter fucking bollocks. Honestly, it’s got to be the easiest gag on earth for a bit of cash. I heard one of them, (who’s name escapes me but basically he worked for British Telecom, who’ve, you know, been so fucking great at spotting upcoming technology – like Broadband, and um.. mobile phones) – and he claimed that within twenty years, we will be swallowing airborne nano-bots that will be able to read and control our thoughts.

Read that again – in twenty years time, robots will control our minds.

See, by me writing this on my website, I’m willing to go down in history as saying I’ve never read so much fucking rot in my entire life. Whilst I’m regularly amazed that we’ve come from a ZX81 spectrum to an Iphone in 20 years, I just do not, frankly, believe we’ll have:-

a) mastered nano technology
b) mastered the human fucking brain

I mean seriously, how do you end up getting a job like that? You can spit out shit and someone somewhere thinks “wow, that’s a great idea, I love it” –

Yes, it’s a great idea but as anyone in the computer games industry knows, coming up with ideas is the easy bit, making the ideas, getting them through governments and committees, (especially when talking about controlling peoples fucking minds) – getting them through development without some fucking twat called Debbie spaffing her shitjuice all over making sure it turns out 100% the opposite to the plans and what do you end up with?

Fuck all.

My predictions for the future.

Robots
Flying cars
Cybernetics
Renewable energy

Exactly like it’s been for hundreds of years. Nanobots, fuck me, look at Robotics for the last twenty years, we’ve gone from Darleks to Asimo (and frankly, as great as Asimo is, I still don’t believe it’s autonomous as much as they’d like us to think it is)

We can’t even get toast to land butter side up for fuck sake.

(And if anyone wants to know my real predictions for the future)

a) the internet being switched off and replaced with something more legislated, but they won’t just say “we’re switching it off” they’ll say “we’ve improved it so much it’s now called web 10.0″
b) more and more surfaced based technology, (like the iphone, but everything – I like the term “active technology”)
c) nanobots that control your mind
d) cars that drive themselves
e) a metric shit tonne of things no one has thought of yet.

One thing that annoys me more than Piers Morgan is watching idiots argue about topics they have absolutely no knowledge of.

The sweeping statement of saying “The human eye cannot distinguish anything above 23.01 fps” is utter. UTTER. COCK.

For a start, your mark 1 human eyeball, get this doesn’t see in frames per second. It doesn’t see in frames at fucking all, that’s one of the modern wonders of light, and the speed of it, it’s fucking awesome. Your brain doesn’t sit there and do a vertical scan sync and say “oh, I’m just working out a complicated mathematics sum so I’m going to use my CPU time on that and drop my eyeball to information ratio down to 50% so you’ll only be seeing at 15 fps for next couple of seconds”

You fucking dimwit. By saying “there is no difference between 30fps and 60fps” – you are categorically, a) wrong, and b) fucking wrong. That’s like saying “Hey!, Nvidia, you’re wasting your time and billions and billions of pounds making your video cards go above anything around 25fps because the human eye cannot tell the difference”

Unfortunately, what you’re actually trying to spout out as complete fact is that TELEVISION runs at 25fps (or there abouts) and when you look at TELEVISION the difference between 25fps and 30fps is almost indistinguishable, because it fucking well is. Can we guess why kiddies? Because spotting a 16% ish frame rate difference is a lot mother fucking harder than spotting a 100% frame rate difference.

Computer games, and anything to do with monitors, have a higher REFRESH RATE, which means they are capable of displaying images ABOVE 25fps… WHICH AMAZINGLY THE HUMAN EYE CAN SEE.

It’s been studied that certain fighter pilots can distinguish up to 1/200th of a second, I imagine that formula one drivers, and some fucking computer gamers, can probably see the difference between 60fps and 120fps. (In fact, I’d lay my nuts on the line and say I could do it easily)

Please, never, ever, ever, EVER, say there is no difference between 30fps and 60fps again, because you are fucking wrong.

Confused.com – You fucking irritate me.

Lets get one thing straight

Internet. TV. Internet. TV. The words don’t look the same, they are not the same. The internet is not equal to television. Television is not equal to the Internet. Internet != TV.

Right, now on to the advertisers of this world. Please read the following line very carefully and then go back to the start and read it again.

TV marketing campaigns should not try and mimic the Internet’s tendency for user generated content. EVER.

Television, by it’s very fucking definition, is not an interactive service. Sure, companies like Sky would love to make you believe otherwise, (and some of those dodgy girl/ass channels), but really, honestly, TV has no user interaction whatsoever.

Therefore, there is no “community” regarding Television, there’s no YouTube for TV. There’s no fucking schmucks out there with webcams who actually give a fuck enough to post about something on TV – and in the case of Confused dot fucking com. How much they give a fuck about ease of use.

I’ve never once visited a website, (and I include friendly.com) and thought “Oh!, It’s very friendly”- SO MUCH that I thought, “I know, I’ll go and make a YouTube style video of me talking into a camera saying how fucking friendly Friendly.com is” – JUST STOP IT.

Television, I used to love you, because with a little application, you don’t need to mimic the internet, you don’t have to try and convince us that there’s some sort of sub-culture revolving around Television, there isn’t, and I’m thankful for that because the internet sub-culture is fucking shite. Don’t ever let anyone say it isn’t.

Advertisers, go and look at Cog – If you have to copy something, go and fucking copy this. We don’t need to see ourselves on Tv. This is not a Mexican stage show, Give me beautiful people, give me clever jokes, give me shit I couldn’t possibly dream of seeing on the internet.

But do not, I repeat, do not, give me this emo fucking retard saying shit like “Oh is it on?” – Of couse it’s fucking on you hippy twat, you’re in a TV fucking advert. Cocksucking flid.

And also, the fat girl who stars in this advert fucking offends my eyes.

Argh, my god damn eyes, why did I go and post a picture of this werepig on my fucking website?

And another thing.. Don’t intersperse the advert with really annoying “other shit” too. Like a pair of fingers wearing shoes, and really really really fucking annoyingly going “ta-daaa” and jumping in the air. It’s not fucking clever. Please go away and die.

For those who haven’t seen it

FUCK OFF! (God that Ta-da annoys me more than those people who come around and knock on my door asking me to believe in a fairy tale book) – those bastard Disney activists are getting really pushy nowadays

As an act of revenge, I shall NEVER, EVER use confused.com

Oh alright, I’ll post something about the new BBC ‘Drama’ called Survivors – (I’ve just broken number #2 of my cardinal sins of blog post writing. “Don’t pretend that people are asking you to write things like you’re popular or nuffink”)

Before reading further into this post, please bear in mind that there are Spoilers and I can’t be arsed writing a specific spoilers CSS tag to hide them when you’ve not got your mouse selection highlighting them or whatnot.

And number 2, I’ve been playing a LOT of Left 4 Dead on PC and Xbox (yes, I capitulated and bought it on both)

Now, I know Survivors isn’t about a zombie apocalypse, but the same rules apply, for basic survival in a anarchic state – get yourself three things (and in this order) – 1. Weaponry, 2. Weaponry, 3. Weaponry.

With those three basic survival tools, you are much more likely to procure whatever else you like.

Honestly, these guys have apparently been some of the last (what was it now? 10% of the Human race) – I’m serious when I say I’ve been in Airport waiting lounges before now and wondered “where is my nearest weapon.. just in case, you know ” – I always sum up probably airport security, although getting it off their zombified ass’s might be quite tricky.

(On another note entirely, I once had a conversation with an Armed Airport security man about the weaponry selection of the Heckler and Koch Mp5n as a stable accurate shooting platform in a populated area like a busy Airport, he frowned upon my suggestion that he should probably look for something a little more accurate. He then asked where I was basing my information, and I responded “Counter Strike” — True Story)

And so the survivors bumble around in a big ol’ stately mansion, going to the Same Shopping area to loot food. I mean, surely that’s a basic mistake, if you’ve been threatened by a double barreled shotgun wielding mother fucker “not to come back” – going back is probably not the smartest move. Unless of course, you’re now carrying an assortment of semi automatic machine gunnery.

No, fuck looting lidl, go to the nearest police station, break into the ‘reclaimed guns department’ they’re bound to have, and find a fucking “how to shoot bad dudes” book.

Second up, go to your nearest army barracks. Same thing applies, Oh, and nick a Harrier jumpjet whilst you’re there.

Next up in “things to do whilst being the last mother fucker alive” list is, Fortify your big stately mansion – Duur, remember that thing that you’re going round doing? Looting? Yep, remember that? Well, there’s a … roughly, 10% chance that there are Other mother fuckers out there doing the same thing, and lets face it, big stately fucking manors are at the top of the list.

Yes, basically, if I ever wake up and find myself one of the last douche bags alive, you bet your ass I’ll be mad-maxing it up before you can say “Hey you guys”.

P.s. It occured to me just how many “phrases I dislike” I nearly tried to use in this post. For example, “Of course”, “Being Serious”, “But seriously”, “Honestly”, “True Story”

No words…

Top Gear then, right from the very off, let me make it hugely clear, I’m a big fan. Honestly. So before I go off ranting I just want to clear that up. I have nearly all of Clarksons books, (and quite a few of the others) – and apart from trying to stand in the crowd on the show (looks at Sharky) – I religiously tune in.

My biggest ranting point however, is this new “six show” format they have. It’s winding me up, Surely they didn’t always just do six shows a series and then have a massive twenty week break before coming back?

I know that the production values have obviously gone through the roof (I can’t imagine flying to Japan, filming a couple of cars, then jumping into spitfires and flying to Germany can be cheap) – but come on. Six shows?

I think because it’s so obviously gone big budget, they now feel that each part of the show has to be either, Dramatic, Comedy, or one of those races / car comparisons. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a stick in the mud where they have to review “normal” cars, (I absolutely hate that argument – I’m seriously not interested in watching a Lexus being driven around a track).

But the one thing they really need to start looking at is the following predictability.

Clarkson will always win, be the last doing anything important and will always get the final word. Fair do’s, it’s his show, but it makes the other two presenters come across as a bit weaker than they did years ago, (where there was a real sense of being on an even keel)

James May will always be in the slow car, fair enough, but Richard Hammond will ALWAYS crash into him pretending that his “brakes have failed” – yes, it was funny the first time in the classic super cars but since then, it’s like brake failure happens in every single car ever made, it’s not funny now. We now expect it whenever they park up.

The set-up jokes are wearing off. I know they have to be set up because that’s what entertainment is, but a few “none-jokes” wouldn’t go amiss either. I mean, I have cobbles near me, and not once has my door fallen off. (And seriously, I’ve driven across them in some cars where I expected it).

Last nights final episode they took on the Germans, surprise surprise, they won in the final race. Yes, it makes for interesting television, but we really wouldn’t have minded if you hadn’t.

I think the biggest sign that the format has changed is that my girlfriend has stopped watching it as keenly as she did. (Which is a pity because it was pretty much the only thing we could agree to watch that didn’t end in “street” or “ers”)

My biggest worry however, is that I don’t know what to suggest to make things better.. Perhaps apart from dropping the six show format and going for, I dunno, Eight? And spacing out the obviously set up jokes a bit more? (That being said, the trips across Africa, the North Pole and America are certainly the funniest ones ever – and I think that’s because it was genuinely funny, as in, not set up.)

Oh and another thing: If Simon Cowell is reading this, I think Jay Kay cheated to get to the number one spot. Since when have they been allowed 9 laps and then the fastest time picked from it? That’s bollocks, isn’t it supposed to be, 8 Practice laps and then a final hot lap? I only mention this because every time they start their fast lap, people in the past have said stuff like “come on, this is it” and “here we go”.

Here’s a WikiPedia article to reinforce my shit.

Obviously missing the plot of the film…

And so the football season comes to a close and all is happy in the world again. The birds, tweeting their way to work this morning reminded me that there is sunshine outside.
My Xbox Red-Ringged of Death (RROD’d for the l33t) last night, preventing me from playing Gta IV – meaning I have to spend more time in beer gardens,

Everything, every single thing I can think of is pointing me towards alcoholism in a beer garden at the moment.

Even England not qualifying for the European 2008 championships is a sure sign that my kidneys are in for some serious vodka-bashing. – You see, I normally watch a few games in the comfort of my own home, when all the silly flag-painted girls of the world have gone home and given up trying to understand what the offside rule is.

For laughs nowadays, I now say things like “You’re offside when you’re in the final third of the pitch without the ball” – it’s funny watching them shout “offside” when someones about to take a penalty or something…

But because England aren’t there, I have no vested interest in the tournament, therefore, I don’t care where I watch it, which means my probability of public house presence is increased during match time between two sparring nations.

And this brings me to my dilemma, – Whom should I support?

Lets eliminate the obvious ones right from the start:-

France I couldn’t possibly support the French because I happen to think they are cunts. I’m yet to find a single example of a person who is French (or even displays French characteristics) that I’ve even remotely liked. They are, and always will be cheese eating surrender monkeys.

Germany – Now, let me be clear about this, I actually like Germans, I really do, I have absolutely nothing against them. However, in the footballing sphere, I hate them approximately 95% as much as the French. It’s the kind of hate that I feel for, oh I dunno, Italy, undeniably they are a great and successful footballing nation, but there’s just something I can’t like about them because they bombed our chippy. It’s true.

Okay, so that’s them out…

Now time for the not so obvious ones I can’t support:-

Romania – In the 1998 world cup, the Romanian team dyed their hair yellow/white because they beat England – Even though it was only in the group stage and meant next to nothing – they still felt it necessary to celebrate in a really cocky manner that should prevent Dan fucking Petrescu from entering this country on fear of stoning to death by white elephant poo. In fact, I’m sorely tempted to find the phone book, find the only Petrescu in there and ring it shouting “CUNT” at volume 11.

Holland – I can’t support Holland either, much though I admire a nation that can be famous for Pornography, drug use and prostitution, I just can’t get myself to forget the Koeman free kick goal – where, yes, he was going to fucking flick one, ALRIGHT, we’ve got it. (R.i.p Brian Moore – thanks for breaking the commentators rules of not predicting something before it happens and getting it right and for all eternity making me dislike the Dutch)

Italy – Again, I have nothing against the Italians, they are a plucky good bunch who I don’t really mind (to be all that honest) – They’ve always been super talented, and have previously been “the team I support” – (especially in World Cup 1994) – however, and this is the but, they are world champions. And therefore, I cannot support them because it would be tantamount to being a glory fan. (For all you Manchester utd fans out there, that means, supporting a team when they are winning, and then slagging them when they aren’t – I’m sure you know about that)

Greece – See above really. Only they are European champions, (and have absolutely bob hope of winning it – not that this particularly bothers me, but hey…)

Sweden – Kind of similar to Romania / Holland – I can’t forgive Thomas Fucking Brolin – and therefore, Cannot support the Swedish. For they are ego-manical cunts who have an awfully high opinion of themselves in football tournaments just because one or two of their fucking players play in Italy.

Turkey – Just can’t support these cunts because they’ve repeatedly stabbed Leeds fans.. Normally, I wouldn’t object, but to not get kicked out of Europe (like we bloody did) is a piss-take, plus they have long hair and I’m only jealous.

Austria – A couple of months ago, Austria would have been fair game, but now, what with the whole “kiddie in a basement” thing – I can’t really support them either. Sure, I appreciate I’m tarring an entire nation on the acts of one, but till I see proof otherwise, I’m from now on going to consider all Austrians Paedos.

Portugal – *sigh* – I’d love to support Portugal, but they have one distinct problem. He’s called Ronaldo, and whilst he is a very good footballer, he’s also the most arrogant prick on the planet – I cannot support such an arrogant prick, throw in the fact he’s a Man United player, and then throw in the fact that he got Rooney sent of (but for some reason everyone forgave him – Oh that’s right, it’s turncoat bloody manc’s again) – and there we have it. Sorry Deco and the others, etc etc…

The Swiss – Joint hosts. I’m not going to support them because they support Paedo’s.

So that leaves me with these choices…

Czech Republic, Croatia, Poland, Russia and Spain

For completely silly reasons, I can’t support the Czech Republic because I don’t care who you are, it shouldn’t be spelled “Czech” it should be spelled Cheque

Croatia – I don’t mind the Croatians, and to be honest there’s been very little footballing reason to dislike them either. Davor Sukur is a name that reminds me how it used to be fun to have a pointy chin. How I miss those days. – Although there’s little reason to dislike them, there’s not particularly much reason to like them either…

Poland – See above. (except the bit about Davor Sukur)

So that brings me down to Russia and Spain

Well, Although my heart says I should support Russia as a whole “thanks for supporting us in the war thing” – I can’t bring myself to support a team as boring as Russia inevitably will be in the tournament.

And so, I have decided to plump for Spain and my reasons are this:-

1.) They’ve never won a tournament – despite being bloody good in qualifying.
2.) They don’t particularly offend me, don’t strike me as particularly arrogant and I cannot recall meeting a Spanard I took an instant frenchmans dislike to.
3.) There’s very little (if any) footballing reason not to. The only result that comes to mind is that Semi-Final vs England in 1996, which we won, because they are as bad at penalties as we are.
4.) They have a few Liverpool players. (see five)
5.) They have Fernando Torres – Who’s a bit of a dream boat.

So there we go, Spain it is…

(And got many coolness points as far as I’m bloody well concerned)

I toyed with linking to this game before now but two things made me not to do it…

1) It’s broadband heavy (and I do mean heavy) – it’ll rip out your connection, try and shit a golfball down it and then plug it back in – it’s that broadband heavy
2) It crashed on me… just when I was about to steal some blokes watch – (I don’t have a “spoiler” html tag set up but if I did, that’d have been in it)

So here we go, in great backwards stepping joy…

I don’t really have a problem with Arsenal to be honest, they do play very lovely football and on the whole are quite a good team – and yes, they do possess a lot of skill and things. (Plus they have some fantastic players who really are world class)

But you know why it was so nice to beat them last night? (Unfairly or not, it’s still nice)

Because they celebrate EVERY goal for about twenty minutes as if they’ve won the league. I don’t know if anyone else has noticed this but it’s really very irritating watching Cesc whathisname praying everytime they score like it’s some sort of religious experience.

It’s so great to whup em’ – just for that single reason alone.

Boy am I a busy.. Um Boy at the moment…

Highlights of the last… [nearly] fortnight since I last wrote something…
(Oh yes, to all those lovely Americans, a fortnight is about 14 days)

…

…
…

Not much….

Lost Season 4 is particularly annoying me now, they’ve gone and broken the only rule of disbelief that I can’t suspend – You can’t start fucking around time and then try to be clever. It just doesn’t work, I hate how writers try and make time ‘linear’ and then deflect the reality of what would actually happen.

I drew a xkcd like comic – I think it explains it…

P.s. I had a completely random stranger [girl] who bit me on the ass on Saturday, bizarreness like this should be documented for future generations.

I’m really getting damned frustrated with Lost (as it’s well documented) – they simply aren’t playing by the rules now.

The rules of reality are damned simple.

Situation:-
New person(s) land on island, carrying weapons, talking in riddles and not explaining a damned thing.

Solution:-
You shoot them.

Reasoning:-
By letting them walk around the island freely, barter (when they are in no position to really) – letting them talk to other people, any interaction that spreads fear or resentment, you are increasing your chances of being dead.

By shooting them you eliminate the problem completely. They don’t “add to the mystery” they are dead, they add nothing.
It’s so simple.

Secondary solution:-
Shoot them in a none vital organ or knee cap, or the stomach. Any doctor (which Jack fucking is) will tell you that they’ll survive for at least a couple of minutes and you can then make them talk by kicking the shit out of them. By being a crazy bastard, they’ll really not take the piss later and turn the gun on you… (I’m really getting tired of the mexican stand offs in lost)

Situation:-
You’re holding a gun to their head, and ask them, of all fucking questions “Whats the black smoke?”

Solution:-
Instead, shoot them in the hand, then ask them “Why does no one give me a fucking straight answer around here?, Where the fuck are we? What are you doing here? And most of all, Where am I getting the fucking ammo for this gun?”

If nothing else, this post should be a warning to anyone planning on staying on a deserted island with me, if you start talking cock, I’ll shoot you.

p.s. tanky tanks..

Maybe I’m a Simpsons diehard. Maybe I find humour in different things – but I just don’t get Family Guy…

Whenever anyone has it on their Sky+ box or something else [inferior] – it immediately gets put on and everyone falls about laughing at the pretty formulaic shock-tactics.

I wrote a spectrum program that will happily generate a script for a Family Guy episode.

10 Print “Family guy”
20 Make joke about cumming, spastics, paraplegics, drugs, gays or anything else.
30 Make Peter Griffin say “Hey, that reminds me of the time…”
40 Cut to ‘comedy’ Peter doing something in the past a bit odd/stupid/silly
45 Cut back to shocked expression of person Peter was talking to
50 Make Stewie say something camp
60 Goto 10

It’s just not that funny. – Mind you, I haven’t actually ROFLMAO for a long long time I guess…

I am going to find JJ Abrams and murder him. this is not one my usual empty threats, this is actually a court of law fact* –

I watched the entirety of Lost Season 3 back to back on a day off – I had originally watched the first ten or so episodes, but as everyone knows, it covered approximately jack shit, and invented a load of new jack shit things and turned – for want of a better term – into the fucking X-files.

“I want the truth”
-next episode-
“Previously on Lost”
“I want the truth”
-cuts to Hurley in a van- for the entire episode- which is just a vehicle [pun totally intended] for the final episode-
-next episode-
“Previously on Lost”
“I want the truth”
-cuts to entire episode about some doctor-

Now, consider me on a tropical island, surrounded by idiots, people who want to kill me and a variety of Semi-automatic and fully automatic weaponry.

Fuck questions. Shoot first, people respond so much better when they have no knee-caps. Fuck being all nice to them just because they explained something between episodes that the viewer doesn’t have any grasp over, and then to cap it all off… Do not, under any fucking circumstances do the following..

Let me rewind in time to when I saw the first double episode of Lost in Season 1.
I liked it, quite a bit, I went on a few forums and things, and generally talked about it with random’s on trains.

One of my very first suggestions for what the smeg was going on was the following…

“They are all dead” – “the island is purgatory” – “they didn’t survive the plane crash, they are all murderers or bad people in some seven sin’s kind of way, except Lock, who is there by complete acciedent, and ends up actually being God who is spying on them all to work out if they should go to heaven or hell” blah blah blah

Like the other twenty thousand other people who came up with this idea.

We all had this idea blown out of the fucking crap by Season 2, because ol’ JJ had read the forums and decided to write in an entire different plot (which he later admitted, he had no idea what he was doing)

So – Season 3 rolls round, so many unexplained things have happened, and then they go in the final but-one episode to suggest the whole “Purgatory/ Hell vibe”

You fucking cunts, you make me watch 3 days worth of Television time that I can never get back to go down the route everyone saw from day one?! That’s like fucking Dallas, it’s all a bastard dream, I swear, if season 4 goes to the future, and they are all moving throughout their lives and wondering where it all went wrong, I’m going to explode.

And Heroes can fuck off too, Season 2 has to be the biggest fucking insult to humanity above Lost’s Season 3′s ending… What with your fucking “invincible American in Feudal Japan” and your even fucking worse “American’s putting on a Cork Accent, so you will, aye”

Feudal Japan! – Fucksake, the American’s weren’t invented yet.

Fucking Tv… It’s wank.

*caveat just incase he does die through mysterious cirumstances in the nearby time frame of this post – This is a very poor taste joke

I was watching a re-run of Heroes for the people who haven’t seen it on BBC 2 with a couple of mates who are happily watching it (they are now on episode 7) thinking it’s the best thing since vertically chopped bread produce. No matter how much *I* tell someone it was good, the robo sheep have to take their advice from Chris Moyles instead.

Bloody hell fire, anyway…

I took great pleasure in sitting through the hour long episode (which in HD is quite nice actually) – with a friend and saying stuff like “Oh this bits good”, “Oh she can’t walk yet”, “Oh, you don’t know what his power is yet” – “No, that bit hasn’t happened yet with the stuffed chicken, revolver and dancing mong”

Eventually, my geek-bluff was called, and a friend paused Sky+ and asked “Okay smart arse, if you know it all whats the next name in the credits”

I said “Hayden Panettiere” – mainly because she’s one of the only characters I know, and B) I thought it was alphabetical and the screen showed Masi Oka –

He unpaused and I was bang on the money – much to the praise and delight of everyone in the room. I patted myself on the back with a job well done and then remembered a few more things about the episode.

We got talking about which power we’d like to have of all the powers, and my mate stated that he’d want to be able to fly because it’d be a laugh.

I pointed out that really, it’s probably the worst super power because all you could do with it is fly around and rescue cats from trees.

Surely enough, in around ten minutes, Nathan Petrelli talks to Peter and says the exact words “What Can I do? Rescue cats from trees?”

Yet again my friends were astounded by my inner geek. (No matter how pre-determined it was) – and then my friend paused it at that exact moment and shouted “Ok – What’s the next thing he says then clever clogs?!” – Pointing at Peter’s response.

I reply, (and this was the truth)

“I dunno”….

My mate relaxes smugly and says “Ha! – ” and unpauses the Sky+ again…

Sure enough, Peter says

“I dunno”

That my friends, is what they call a fucking fluke – get in, she rides.

I insist that the human race finds this woman and exterminates her immediately. Alternatively, I’d quite like them to just point and laugh (whichever people think is appropriate, and as I can’t openly encourage murder, I do expect some psycohtic to take me on my whim and put this sputum of waste out of business)

Ladies and germs, I present, the most intelligent American in existence. (And I’m not talking about the woman)

Absolute genius.

I saw one of the thickest opening questions to an interview ever this morning. To explain it will take a little bit of backstory.

A castle in Scotland has allowed Two Brazilian graffiti artists to cover a castle in art.

Let me say that again so that you can get the coincidences correct in your head, Two Brazilian Graffiti artists allowed to paint on a Scottish castle.

And so there, predictably, was the Female BBC news reporter. Soaked in that early morning chirpiness that I don’t know when or where they acquire. (No one, I repeat no one, should be that fucking happy at 7:50am) – and her first question to the Two Brazilian Graffiti artists.

“So, have you ever done anything like this before?”

“Of course, yeah, we paint fucking scottish castles all the fucking time, what with being from the fucking opposite side of the fucking earth, not to mention the fact that graffiti’ing national trust buildings is kind of frowned upon” – “Aside from all that, I’ve done it twenty seven fucking times you daft cunt”

Sadly their answer wasn’t that, and in fact was, (And much more sadly) “no”

I have to apologise to Chris Moyles for my declaration that he is an irredeemable twat. Why? Well he happened to put me onto a Tv show called Heroes. Which has completely and utterly consumed my life like that pit monster thing out of Starwars. I’ve been watching it now up to episode 16 and it’s absolutely fantastic.

It makes lost look complete and utter crap, which is, considering I’m a very big lost fan, quite a statement.

There, I’ve said it, I’m so glad that’s off my mind. When it invades England – It’s gonna make so many people addicted to it. it does more in a single episode than an entire season of Lost.

And I hate the term “season” when referring to Tv shows. I much prefer the word “series” – but hey. I’m slowly turning American like every other English person. We’ll probably start driving on the wrong side of the road soon, spelling colour without a U and eating way too much cheese.

Crazy Japeneseness – very funny video of the crazy Japanese performing a practical joke… (Watch it till the end)

Basically I stand no chance in the office World Cup 2006 sweepstake. Although my seeded team Argentina, on paper at least, have a good chance of winning. The simple fact of life is that they won’t.

Amazingly, out of the 27 people who pulled a team. No one pulled Brazil. Amazing. This could be the cup of second place winning the prize.

And what about Englands chances in WC2006? well, I hate to break this to you, but I’ve been here before. The pre-tournament hype, the feeling that we really should be challenging the best teams in the world and Gaby Logan.

I’m resolved to the fact that I’m going to be drawn into the hype, and just before that first whistle blows and we kick off against Paraguay. I’ll think we have a chance just as much as the person stood next to me.

The curse of being English and somehow feeling we deserve it…

It was a more innocent and fun age when Fawlty Towers used to use Anagrams on it’s signs… My favourite was, and always will be “Flowery Twats” – How on earth they got away with that before the watershed I’ll never know.

From WikiPedia:-

The term wanker has not been considered profane in the USA because of its British origins. In the ribald American sitcom Married… with Children, the character Peggy’s maiden name was Wanker; Al Bundy’s in-laws were therefore the Wankers. An episode of Mork & Mindy also included a character called Arnold Wanker, though this aired before the understanding of the term was common throughout the U.S. and was less likely to be intentional, as the Married… with Children usage was. Chandler also referred to someone as a “wank” in an episode of Friends.

They never got home…

Ahhh I’ve known this for a while now, but I’m officially allowed to disclose this now.. I will first refer you to this post..

Activision ordered not to show “misleading” Call of Duty ads again”

Yes folks. Myself and 2 other people have got Activisions Misleading Call of Duty 2 banned from the telly… The sense of warmth in my belly is quite frankly su-fucking-perb…

And if, one day, someone from Activision reads my website and says “oh so it was you” – Yes it was me. My arguement for your advert being misleading has been found to be upheld by the ASA. I would never have complained unless I was sat round my friends house and we saw the advert, to which he said “fuck me that looks amazing”, and the discussion that ensued proved to me that as a mass-market general games buying person, He did not understand the visual difference between in-game and pre-rendered footage.

Therefore, he was mislead into thinking the advert was representitive of the purchasable game, which it clearly is not. So before you cry about being Spanked by ScrewYouHippy, consider that I was actually right…

P.s. 1-nil to Chris

Is it just me or are the warning subtitles on films nowadays getting more and more silly? You know when you have a movie that contains some dismemberment or maybe a slightly rude nipple shot there is a warning at the bottom of the trailer that reads

“Warning: Some Scenes not suitable for children as they contain nudity and strong language”

However, I’ve noticed two silly films nowadays…

Harry Potter and the Stupid of Stupid: “Warning, Contains scenes of High Drama and tension”

and then funnier still…..

King Kong (Hong Kong): “Warning, contains much horror and frequent peril”

I shit you not, just turn on any Tv channel at the moment (except those starting with the letter B) and you’ll see what I’m on about…

Maybe it’s just the word “Peril” that makes me laugh. Invariably it encourages images of pythonesque student like quoting.

“Much Peril in Cinema therein”

I had a think of some films that needed such subtitles. How about:-

Warning: Film contains several disembowlings and a man running with scissors

Warning: Film contains pointy areoplane model that could have your childens eyes out

Warning: Film contains nuts. (Nuts extra)

Warning: Shallow minds may be enticed into movie theatres using really crap warning messages

Warning: Reading warning messages makes you go Blind

Warning: Showers expected

Yadda yadda…

Merry Crimbo you batches

After many moons of being the biggest Homer Simpson fan on the planet, I’m more and more sliding towards Moe being my favourite Simpsons character. I wonder if this is because we are kindred spirits of complete worthlessness or because I find the writers are giving him some of the better lines.

God damn, now he just has to beat off a stern challenge from Chief Wiggum, and he’ll be home dry..

I am watching another one of those “top 100″ shows that is being introduced by Jimmy Carr (seemingly the only person on Tv at the moment that can make me laugh – even if he is just reading his autocue)

Tonights “top 100″ is called “the Top 100 cartoons”

Complete injustices…

#59: Thundercats
#40-ish: Wile E Coyote & Road Runner
#also 40-ish: Samuari Jack
#39: Transformers.
#29: Dungeons and Dragons
#28: Sponge Bob Square pants

At least the Simpsons won (lets face it, it had to)