Level’s 15, 20, and 21 are a BYATCHHHH

But a fun distraction none the less….

Odd… I’ve become a bit obsessed with google analytics. (I was going to say “anally obsessed” but to be frank, it’s a poor joke and not something i’d encourage)

Oh, “hello” by the way, No, I’m not dead.

Anyway, I’ve found that quite a few people have been finding my site with the term “Why was goal 3 so shite?” – and frankly, this is really odd, because when I type that into google, my website is nowhere to be seen. Very curious.

Apart from that, not a whole heap of stuff going on at the moment, just thought I’d post something here before the cobwebs set in.

In answer to some random peoples questions:-

1. No, you can’t have the little man .php code up there. You can go and find the code I used on the web, (If you search this site for “that little man thing” i’m sure it’ll give you some directons)
2. This keyboard is really annoying.
3. I thought of facebook, I just never implemented it.
4. I think a naked girl clock would be a fantastic earner.
5. Liverpool are shite

The end. See ya next decade probably

Can’t help this should have been called something a bit more original than tagging “mr” onto something to do with explosions.. It’d be better called something like “Crazy Pyromania a-gogo rainbow 24hours” or something… (A reckless disregard for fireworks?)

Anyway, go and download it, play it for all of thirty seconds, be thankful it’s expunged another 30 seconds of your miserable fucking existence.

If StarGuard (mentioned below) is liquid crack, Caverns is liquid eyeball sucking meths. Honestly, I’m getting pissed off with all these people with Pixel skillz, but this game is fuckin awesome (Although I’m slightly concerned about the author trying to monetise it, that’s not very fucking “indie” is it)

Anyway, Don’t let that put you off, the advert is easily skipped and when you do, the game is utterly addictive, and quite fucking charming.

Back again tomorrow with another boredom killer.

Since installing Google Analytics, (And Adsense) I’ve noticed two things.

1. 80% of my visitors don’t give a flying fuck about this website at all, and have actually bookmarked category 6 which is “boredom killers”
2. No-one, and I mean, no-one has clicked on an adsense link. Which I find frankly quite amazing.

Little Master Cricket game is getting over 600 hits a month, and not a single person has clicked an adsense link. (*note: this is not some begging attempt to get people to click an adsense link, that’s against googles rules, so please don’t do that now cos you feel guilty, you swines)

Anyway:

To cater for my new found audience, I’m going to post nothing but Boredom Killers for as long as I can maintain it. Now, I appreciate I could go and find some random flash games online and spam one a day to this website, but I’m not going to, because I’m better than that. I’m genuinely going to only post shit that’s good.

Trust me, dear strangers – unlike other websites, if it appears on this site, it’s worth a download.

And so…

StarGuard: A fucking fantastic retro platform game which has more charm than a particularly charming 50’s film star at a dinner party. Please download this game, it’s the fucking bomb.

Now dear readers, I’d never ever go all “arty” and crap on you, No sir-ee bob. But if you’ve got ten minutes of your lifeforce to waste (and trust me, it seems that I have plenty spare at the moment) – then there are worse ways of spending the time than watching this short film.

Anyway, not sure exactly the motivation for me posting it, just boredom I guess. Hopefully it’ll relieve that boredom you’re having reading this too.

Okay, so Cliffski’s Blog has shamed me into thinking I need to start talking about my game… (drumroll) Space Rogue!

And so, the high concept for SR is simple, make a 2d game that’s awfully like Elite mixed with Rogue, and maybe a bit of X3 thrown in for good measure.

But you start in a random position in a procedurally generated universe, you might be born a pirate, a trader, a law enforcer, a bounty hunter, and although your starting point is defined, your ultimate destiny is up to you. Throw in management of other ships and pilots (who are on your pay roll) – or manage stations, defending them from dastardly attacks.

Bored of how it’s turning out? You can hit a single Key and the game goes away and generates a new universe, with new missions and legends and back stories and new bounty. the faction balance is re-done, the imperials may have been the leading faction last time out, but now, the federation have the upper hand…

So where’s the game currently?

Simple, It’s at first pass prototype stage, I have a playable, if limited game currently, you can warp to different stations and trade with them in a variety of commodites, like minerals and slaves.. (Infact the commodoity tree is lifted straight from Elite currently)

Ai is in and working, except it’s very shallow, they don’t actually seek out trade, and universe persistance isn’t there, meaning if somethings going on outside of your current sector, you just can’t see it…

Then I hit a block, as I’m using GameMaker (yes, lazy, I know) – the constraints of GM aren’t bad actually, and it could probably do exactly what I wanted, but as soon as I start to increase the scope of my plans, I think “that’ll just be too much for GM” and I start thinking of the alternative development routes. A C# solution probably, using SDL, and all sorts of other magical TLA’s, except I’m no master of C# – In fact, I’m a complete and utter n00b.

The huge step back will increase my scope, but massively increase my frustration, doing simple things will be hugely difficult (like a decent sprite management system, rotation, input)

So I started prototyping other ideas… breaking off from the “one .exe fits” all concept. I’ve now generated several little prototype ideas…

The sector name generator

I like X3’s names for the sectors, they seem to bring a history to an otherwise dead block of space.
But with X3, the sectors are pre-determined by a designer some place, with balance and gameplay considered. I want to do everything proceeduraly. Which is a bit trickier…

So, using a very very complex set of case statements, I managed to start generating “X3″ like sector names. (I admit, it’s even possible to get names like “Home of Light”), the test cleverly picks a word and then scores it in certain factors. I lovingly named these factors.

“Dread, Depression, Hope, Law, Pirate”

So when the case statement picked a word like “Light” it intrinsically knows that this word provides “Hope” (literally, light = hope + 5) – When it picks a word like “Sorrow”, it adds to depression, dread, and removes from hope…

This gives me a set of variables that I can then use to determine lots of things…

Like a good next word… It’s clever enough to never provide a sector name like “Hope of Sorrow”, or “Bankrupt Profit”

What this gives me is a way of generating “decent-ish” sounding names, better than the vowel constenant jumbles I was previously doing. (Lave fits the pattern, but qutopij sounds and looks shit) – Admittedly, I could use character frequency bias to generate planet names, and then append scientific roman numerals on the end. “Bestat IX”

Universe Generation

For a while I was obsessed with the idea of no data storage, the game would create the entire universe off a single two digit number, but do it pre-deterministically, not randomly, enter the same number, get the same universe.
It works too, using a combination of fibonacci sequences and just random seeding, it works fine, but because the sequence may get knocked out of order by the user “doing stuff” (like jumping between galaxies, or simply having an Intel processor) -I can’t guarnetee that one mans 42 is anothers.

So I started going down the route of String examination, from the initial seed of 42, the universe would go away and make a planet name. Lets say Pluto (by pure chance) – then it’d look at the word P L U T O and score it based on the values of the ascii characters. The location of the station would be determined by the first letter, P and the last letter, O… (O and P are very close to each other in the alphabet, so I can confidently predict it’d put the station somewhere in the middle of the world)

Then I’d use the middle letter of the planet to determine it’s politcal, technological, and market values. Everything from the letter U.

So if you ever found a planet called PLATO – the station might be in the same place, but the markets would be significantly different.

And then to stop predictability in this system, (if someone spotted that planets with more A’s in it than Z’s were more beneficial) I created a new balance list each and every time it was used, (using another one of those fibonacci sequences)

All was fine, and it worked perfectly, this created an infinite (yes, infinite) amount of sectors. The game would happily let the player type in any combination of words or letters and it would go away and pre-deterministically make this sector for them, (obviously, for gameplay purposes this wouldn’t be in the final game)

Then…

Rather than having seperated worlds of population like in Elite, I’ve considered the idea of jumpgates, jump gates intrigued me for quite a while, linking two sectors by a point. The Warp drive in Elite is pretty clever, it beams the ship from one sector to another.. no matter where they are.. However, gameplay wise, in my game, it had some drawbacks.

Pretty much every fight could be avoided by simply warping out of the sector… Rather than racing to a jumpgate…

But then, if the universe didn’t exist outside a sector, how could a jumpgate possibly work? Does a jumpgate get created and then state where it’s destination is, (and pass that information on when the sector is destroyed and re-created?) – fine.. But what about the return journey? Stored where?

And then I started thinking about making AI use jumpgates, in my game, if the AI jumped through a gate, they’d be destroyed, if the player chased them, they’d be re-created,

So I came up with this…

What you’re looking at here, believe it or not, is a universe. In each square exists a sector, named, balanced, connected to it’s allies and sectors of its same type. Over time, the sectors grow stronger (shown by being more solid, brighter, colour than the others), and when a faction becomes strong enough they start to invade smaller factions, each universe is born, and the game’s rules determine if it should be destroyed or not – the game decides what a good universe is, using some basic criteria

No faction can have ultimate control, (i.e. no faction can be “too powerful”)
No faction can be completely destroyed (they must all exist, no matter how small)
Each faction must have a HQ or epicenter
Each faction must border another faction, if it’s the same faction, a trade link is created, raising the power of that sector.

It works surprisingly well, the next step will be to be able to click on a sector, and let it create the station set up within… If you click on a epicenter square, it generates a station grid that is predominately that faction… Each square then will have another set of squares within that, with a station in each..

Then I’ll apply the wars, and everything should fragment nicely, causing piracy and law to live next to one another…

Sectors simply collapsing through trade embargos and war, war-neighbouring sectors producing weapons for each faction, war drives everything forward.

This is all over the interwebs at the moment so I won’t really go on about it. It’s mildly amusing for a matter of minutes..

Effing Hail

Also, as a matter of interest and boredom relief, check out this game, which similarly will quench you for about Twelve seconds.

* This game does get bonus points for having a cool name.

GOD DAMN IT… I thought of the “Shopping list that geographically sorts depending on the shops Aisle layout” idea too… Bastards….

Future looks lovely, shame I’ll be long dead by 2019

A.k.a – Also known as “Hurrah!, I finished a project”

The running man is a creation of my very own fingers. Basically, it’s a TCP/IP multiplayer game where you button bash S and D as fast as you can whilst occasionally pressing C to jump the hurdles.

Download it here – If you don’t know what a .rar file is then sorry…. Make sure you extract the game into a folder, (it will not run from inside the zip)

Some notes

You Must Create A Server even if you want to play on your own, you must run the Server.exe first, then run the client_rm.exe

When using the client_rm.exe – you must create a new account for the first time then log in.

I’ll fix all these one day, but not yet… For now, just enjoy the greatness that is the love of my loins and try and beat my astonishing personal best time of 19.34 (this isn’t really my best, but I’ll put it here just in case anyone plays the game and beats it)

If someone wants to host an online game – let us know and I’ll join in…

Don’t kid yourself into thinking this is a space game, it’s not, it’s a tower defence game, in space. – Anyway, it’s a pretty decent (if nothing new) distraction for twenty or so minutes, and then the difficulty curve goes fucking mentalist and you end up thinking “actually, this is a bit like work, except I’m not getting paid” and the fun kinda wears off…

Either way, try it out. I appreciate I’ve probably put you off, but it’s not a terrible boredom killer…

P.s. Toasted sandwiches rule.

Some time back I set up a chat bot with the ace company/website MyCyberTwin.

Ever since then, it’s been happily picking up customers occasionally and basically putting them in their place so perfectly it’s actually like talking to me back when I was 20…

This morning, I wake up to see a new e-mail in my inbox from MyCyberTwin to tell me that a conversation has taken place. Genuinely, this is interesting for me as I love reading just how fucking good the responses from this chat bot are sometimes. (I’m not sure if it’s just randomly lucky or if it’s some higher power)

Check this one out, it made my coffee eject:


Chris - "I still have a lot to learn about people."
Bummed Out - "what don't you know?"
Chris - "Well if I don't know it then I can't tell you I don't know it can I?"
Bummed Out - "you're good."
Chris - "at everything.."


I just don’t remember ticking a box that said “smarmy twat” – but it’s making me giggle.

I also like this one…


Bummed Out - "is it better to kill one to save a million, or let one live so a million die?"
Chris - "You first."


Unfortunately, he missed out a comma there.. “You, first”

Other news

Anyway,

Two things happened to me for the first time last night:-

1. I won a pub quiz for the first time in my life. Highlights in my correct answers were these…

“How many squares are there on a side of a scrabble board?”
“In Bingo calling what number is ‘the key to the door’?”
“What decade did coronation street start?” (Sadly I knew this)
And
“When was U2’s ‘beautiful day’ released?”

Trust me, without Google, they aren’t that easy and I got them all. Earning me 13 british pounds. (Which have the monetary value of three nuka cola bottle caps) – Feel free to post the answers in the comments. I’ll just assume you used wikipedia.

2. I threw four three-dart doubles in a single night. (I.e. playing around the board, I threw, “1″, then “2″, then “3″, then got another go, hit double “4″, then “9″, then double “10″)

I did that, four times in total, and lost every game. Amazingly…

I’m going to buy a dartboard…

Unfortunately, this post has nothing to do with Gauntlet. Mostly because there is no news about Gauntlet, and therefore, nothing to write about it. It’s one of those handy chicken-egg scenarios.

What I do have to write about however, is my beloved Pro-Evolution Soccer… But since, some time back I covered the deficiencies of the game, I thought I’ll take a different route through PES09 and comment on the new mode.

Become a Leg end

If Pro-evolution’s become a legend mode was a section in a sex shop, It’d be the dark dank corner with a big bald bloke called Norman, wearing a gimp mask, stroking a ferret, whilst wearing an assortment of attachments in leather.

It’s sadomasochistic in it’s approach to game play. The premise, for anyone fortunate not to have encountered this mode is this:-

Basically, you have a training match, with a shit skill-less character, and you’re expected to play this game and perform well. Now, no matter how well you do play (For example, I scored a hat-trick, and three assists) – your character will still come out like a Glen Hoddle induced spastic – like you’ve been bad in a previous life and now have the stats of a postman.

You then spend the rest of this “game mode” playing for a selection of teams (the first, invariably is shit) – and have to impress the manager into giving you a starting line up position.

But there are problems, and unfortunately they are quite large.

1. Because you always start with a shit character, the animation system gets in the way of you being able to do anything. So, for an example, when receiving the ball, your character will instead, let it bounce off him, then get tangled up on the super-AI opposition, lose his balance like a spacker, spin round on the spot, wobble, then watch as the ball simply bounces off you to another enemy AI.

2. The opposition AI know the game a lot better than you do. They read your predictable passes, and stop them… Every single one of them – because the passing system is fundamentally broken, any intended pass ends up in the oppositions possession. Any optimistic long-ball pass, you guessed it, ends up in the oppositions possession. Any throw-in, anything.

3. Even if you pick your position as a Centre Forward, because your stats are so shit, the “manager” will put you as a side mid-field. He will never play you up front because you’re not as good as Cisse on paper. – And because you’re not playing up front, you’re not scoring consistently, or performing very well, because being a side mid-fielder who can’t pass isn’t particularly useful, So your ratings aren’t that good, So the manager doesn’t play you as a “first team player” – so you get subbed on or off, every game.

4. Then, at some point during a match, you’ll be one-on-one with the keeper, practically walking towards him with the ball at your feet. One of two things is going to happen, first, the opposition defender will probably simply walk in front of you and take the ball from you, (and I do mean walk, without even a hint of a tackle or challenge, they simply take the ball from you) – or two, and much much worse, you actually pull off a shot, which is akin to having a haircut by a rapist.

5. So there you are, stuck with shit stats, being subbed every game, being played in the wrong position, and desperately fighting the fucking AI cunts who are capable of blocking every single thing you do. And then your team mates- because you’re so shit, stop passing you the ball. Even when you’re stood in the oppositions half, on your own, with no-one within two miles of you, they’ll still pass the ball backwards. And then lose it, because they are cunts, and the opposition striker will then glide past you and your team mates and stick a goal in.

6. Or maybe, your team will fluke an early goal, this is a dreaded scenario, because within twenty seconds of your team scoring, the opposition suddenly become ball-possession super-mutants, who simply fuck with the laws of the space time continuum and become impossible to take the ball off. Pro-Evolution has always raped the AI when you score, so that they become much more skilled. Even fucking Bognor Regis become super-footballing-gods when they are 1-0 down in the first half. But in Become a legend mode, it’s made all the worse because you are a single guy and can do approximately bollocks all about it. Seriously, you might as well just put the joypad down and watch because you simply cannot stop a corner with a header, you cannot clear a bouncing ball in the box because your stats are so wank, and you can’t dribble it out either because that’s just fucking doomed.

7. And to top all that, the you’ve obviously buggered the referee’s wife before the game. If you press the X button, you’ll get a yellow card. Honestly, it doesn’t matter if you make a challenge that so obviously got the ball that the ball has your fucking name sewn onto it, it’s a yellow. Or if you tackled from anything but head-on, it’s a red. I went so far as to actually physically remove the blue button from my joypad. As this button is also shoot, it’s a bit of a problem for a normal striker, but not me, because I’m fucking side mid-fucking-field.

8. The in-between match screens are fucking hideous, Not only are they slow, but they are fucking awfully laid out. There is no way on earth you can see the line up of a team that isn’t your next team. So you can’t go and see how Barcelona play, (for their inevitable transfer request) – so you’ll end up playing in a team that plays 4-5-1 again, and you’ll be a side midfield again. Want to find out how many goals you’ve scored for your team? Well, good luck mate, cos you’ll never fucking find it.

9. But it’ll all be okay, because you’ll power up eventually. Play out of your skin, score two goals, set up three and watch as you get a 6.5 on the rating… What the fuck? How can a hat-trick hero get subbed off? Why do I only have 5.5 – OH, it’s because I’ve only made 1 “interception” – which I assume means tackle, or block of a pass. So a strikers primary goal in life isn’t to score goals, it’s to make interceptions. The “manager” rating system is the following formula.

Rating = ((Number_of_interceptions – number_of_goals) / time_on_pitch) * Rand()

10. But that’s alright because the game is just so enjoyable you won’t be able to put it down, you’ll look forward to every other game thinking “this is my chance now!” – “I’ll do better in this game!” – but you won’t, it’s impossible. You’d have to be a sadist to enjoy this fucking game.

11. I thought the Japanese made RPG’s – you know, with depth, and with stats and attributes, and back stories (that bore to me tears) and options, and shit characters with animal ears. I thought that was their bag. So why then, does it always go to shit when they make a sports game? Why do they have the depth of a paddling pool? Why can’t I be interviewed by people after a game for my honest (or not so honest) opinion of the match? Why don’t I get the bottle of champagne for being Man of the match? Why can’t I negotiate with the boss for more money? Why doesn’t my manager give me a pep-talk during half time? Why don’t I see any specific instructions from a foxy chick holding a clipboard? Why DO I NEVER- EVER- EVER take a corner/freekick/penatly? (Honestly the post match screen has these stats listed, so it’s presumably possible, but why do I never take anything?)

12. Edit: I thought of a new one – it’s all going to be okay though, perhaps putting the game on four stars difficulty at the beginning was a mistake. It’s taken you five seasons to realise it, but perhaps you’d enjoy it more if you knocked down the difficulty a bit, you know, just whilst your stats are shit, you’ll put it back up when you become a football god… “I know, I’ll go to the options now and do just that now” you’ll say… You’ll go to the options, and you’ll see that everything is grey’d out and unselectable. Apart from the match length time, you can alter that…. (but as, all that does, is determine how much of a football match you’re going to have to watch before coming on as a sub, it’s pretty fucking A useless too.) – So to alter the difficulty, you have to basically start again, with a shit-skilled character again… On easy… Which then can’t be turned UP when you do become too good. So, the purpose of having a “difficulty setting” is……..?

Basically, this mode is fucking shite. I hate it, I don’t know why I’m even bothering, I guess it’s because I so fundamentally hate the game that I want to see how bad it can possibly be. Pro-evolution is fucking dead to me. Unless I read “Seabass dies in horrific sex spack-attack”, I am never ever ever going to buy another Pro Evo again. You’ve had my money too many times you cunt, I’m going to sell pirate copies of Pro Evolution 2010 on eBay, for a loss. THAT’s how much I hate the fucking game

I want to play with my national side. That’s it. I’m going to keep going till I get an international call up… Then I’m going to go give Norman “Seabass’s” address.

Is Seabass the most shitty name you’ve ever heard for a pseudonym? It’s not “D34thBringeR” now is it?

Or as it should be known..

“The rest of the work day gone” – I hope like me, you don’t discover this at 10:45am, because it’s really really bad for productivity.

Ace game though, and therefore gets the Screwyouhippy rating of one cock out of ten.

Hey, I’m hard to please alright?

Perfect Balance

Edit: Helps if I post a bloody link…

And in perfect timing with my previous post about story and games – I go and find an indie developer who gets it right. GravityBone is a great little distraction for … well.. a very short period of time…

I won’t go all “blogosphere” and bleat on about how good this game is. I’m not one for over hyping things… 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, etc etc

This needs to be a full game right now.

I’ve noticed something of late, and it has begun to perturb me slightly. Knowing my ability explain things in a concise, precise manner, I shall now begin to write a lengthy article based on my personal opinion with absolutely no back up of reality.

I’ve noticed, that to be good at something, you have to be utter shit at something else. And the inverse is always true too.

Let this graph hopefully explain. (Seriously, I’m not trying to rip off Xkcd here but I have a graphics tablet and the reasoning ability of a cornish pasty)

I’ve become to realise that if you’re a shit footballer, the odds are, you’re probably going to end up being a very good manager. I shall now qualify this daft statement with the following list of names.

Alex Ferguson, Rafa Benitez, Alf Ramsey, Matt Busby, Arsene Wenger, Philip Scolari, José Mourinho, Bob Paisley,

Now great players who are/were shit managers:-
Kevin Keegan, Roy Keane (spit), Gianfranco Zola, Tony Adams,

The jury is out on : Paul Ince, Gareth Southgate, Maradonna,

And that’s just the premiership….

All I can think for managers that can arguably be called “good players” and “good managers” are Fabio Capello, Franz Beckenbauer, Jurgen Klinsmann and Martin O’Neill… and like I say, I’m not exactly sure how good Capello was as a player and Klinsmann can only be arguably called a decent manager because he managed his national side.

And it’s not just football… I recently read the Wikipedia entry on Stephen Fry (mainly because he broke his arm on his tele program about America and I wondered how… He never did explain it) – and was surprised to find that Steve has done a bit of jail time.

And then it occurred to me, Mark Wahlberg was also Jailed…
And so was Tim Allen,
And so was Christian Slater,
And so was Robert Downey Jr,
And so was Chuck Berry,
And so was Martha Stewart,
And so was Nick Nolte,
And so was David Bowie,
And so was Vanilla Ice,
and so on and so on…

Caveat Emptor – Admittedly, I’ll conceed that a few of these only did a matter of hours in tweet, but still, you get my point, I’ve never even as much as looked at a long arm shank guv’nor, honest

And then I realised, perhaps to be famous you have to have been in Jail.. Maybe it’s a right of passage or something…

—-

Maybe to be a great musician your nose has to be filled with any drugs money can buy.

Maybe you HAVE to be an irredeemable twat to be a News paper editor… (I’m sure we can all figure out who I’m talking about here)

So kids, if you want to be famous. I suggest this – Go out, don’t play football, do lots of beak, and twat a policeman.

Sure. Fire. Ticket.

Steven Fry once kicked me on the London Underground – I’d love to say he was reading something like Hitch Hikers guide to the galaxy or something and we hit it off like a house on fire, but sadly, he wasn’t, and he didn’t — True Story

No words…

Now this is a seriously cool game…

Remember!, Dive Well!

Edit: Now with added fucking pictures! (Not literally “fucking pictures”, oh you know what I mean)

http://hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet.com/

Nope. (I hope this has an rss feed)

But I can’t help hoping it does… Just to wipe those smug faces off… well the dolphins mainly…

P.s. I bet I don’t use those tags very often

P.p.s Does anyone else consistently type “Hardon collider”? that must have been a real nightmare to work on..

Where is the world?. (Sadly it doesn’t end in “is carmen san diego” but hey…

a simple little game where you click the country you think the picture was taken, good luck, you’ll bloody need it.

(1815 to beat)

This is cool, remember that game called “stunt island” on the PC back in 1990 – No, of course you don’t because you don’t have as anal a gaming memory as I do.

Anyway, this is similar to it:-

Basically, you set up little stunts with your imaginary cars and explosions and cameras and stuff and it generally wastes a little bit of the day. Which is what I’m all about nowadays.

Happy stunt-driving editing.

Now these are good. No, properly good. Properly, properly boredom killing mother fucking good.

Yes, Three of them, not Twelve, not Two, Three. – They all have a similar theme, it’s called Physics…

DUI

This one is cool, basically, you drive around a little smiley face in a simple physics land and try and remain above the red line. (Remembering that you can’t stop on a Gray box)

Totem Destroyer

Totem destroyer is a similar game, but probably a bit more straight forward, basically the little indiana jones like statue can’t be stood on the ground when the level finishes (You click on the bits that you don’t want to keep)

Hmmm, these games ARE very similar now aren’t they?

Fantastic Contraption

Like bridge builder and Armadillo run, this one is one of those “get something to somewhere using a contraption” thingy… And bloody good it is too.

As I mentioned earlier, I have a tendency to not finish projects that I start…

Well, I’ve decided to continue to work on a project that I’ve always wanted to do… A proper remake of a classic game that I dearly love called “Mortville Manor”

My plan is to basically re-invent the game, with graphical ‘tweaks’ and a radical overhaul of the user interface (which, granted, was pretty awful) – I plan to make the game fairly extensible too so that I can easily implement a “new” adventure mode for people who have maybe already completed the original.

Here’s an example of the screenshots that I’m very basically tweaking. I plan on introducing a more diverse colour pallette, but not just yet.

Before

After

Obviously, you’ll have to look pretty close to see the difference currently, (I’ve basically interpolated the image, I’m pretty sure there are game’ing filters that could easily do it for me too, but hey) – I want to remain true to the original for now and then extend it eventually.

I’ve also uploaded a very simple tech-demo of the snow.. I was bored, if you press Left and Right on the keyboard, you’ll go to another room (and a different snow effect) – I was just playing, but hey…

Please feel free to leave comments! – Ta

So I’m 30 now. Hurrah,

To be honest, I’ve missed my twenties since before I was about 27 so I’m not particularly bothered about notching up another most significant digit.

—-

Other than that, I’ve decided that my PC may be trying to communicate with me. I sometimes have my headphones on for no particular reason, and I think they may be a little bit too sensitive to a bit of crappy sound card interference.

I’m seemingly getting morse code messages though in a very slight hiss noise down my speakers. It’s quite soothing. I swear I tapped on the message that I think the hard-drive is trying to send me. It went like this:-

…. . .-.. .–. / — . –..– / .. .—-. — / – .-. .- .–. .–. . -.. / .. -. … .. -.. . / -.– — ..- .-. / .–. -.-. .-.-.- / -.. .- — -. / -.– — ..- .-.-.-

I hate how video sights are saying “you must give your age” – How the hell could a 1 year old be using the internet to watch videos?

Gimps.
Anyway, my new thing is to select 99 (or preferably 100) whenever these things pop up.

Join me,

more cat pictures

It’s nice to see the word “twats” gets me approximately 100 hits a month…

What people type into google amuses me..

Obviously missing the plot of the film…

Those aren’t muskets are becoming my new internet heroes.

Ledges, absolute ledges.

(any video ending in the way this one does is ace)

The end.

Holy shit!, I’ve done it!, No not cold fusion, no, not mating a laser with a dolphin. No, not dolphin powered laser fusion!

I’ve found some Americans who can do satire and actually be funny!

And in fact, they actually are quite funny. Well this is a bloody revelation, this is like, monumental, this is like that time that dude landed on the moon.

They’ve gotta be Canadian or something… Bloody generic accents, can’t quite tell the difference….

My new thing is finding old articles and reviews with comment threads and posting “LAST!”

1

Lets see how many down you need to go….

Mightygodking.com » Blog Archive » Fun From Yesterday!

before you figure it out

Not Christ? – Wellllll…..

(I particularly love “Christ’s Amazon.co.uk”)

(And got many coolness points as far as I’m bloody well concerned)

I toyed with linking to this game before now but two things made me not to do it…

1) It’s broadband heavy (and I do mean heavy) – it’ll rip out your connection, try and shit a golfball down it and then plug it back in – it’s that broadband heavy
2) It crashed on me… just when I was about to steal some blokes watch – (I don’t have a “spoiler” html tag set up but if I did, that’d have been in it)

So here we go, in great backwards stepping joy…

This is cool..

That is all..

Karoshi 2.0 – Game Maker Community

PicLens | Immersive Slideshows Across the Web

No, seriously, this is the best thing ever…. Install the above plug in (in firefox obviously) and then click the little blue button at the top that enables you to view google images, deviant art, flicker and all other sorts of stuff in an Ipod like thing.

Awesomeness.

Porn surfing will never be the same again.

But he’s fucking Ben Affleck…

Nubrella.com

*enables pingbacks just in case*

One Sentence archive – story #1789

Yay!, I HAVE wrote something witty in my life, and the above link is proof! – Yay!, Yay!

(Seriously though, the website onesentence.org is actually very cool and has lots of cleverer people than me writing lots of cleverer sentences….)

Yeah, I know, the chances of you actually clicking on one of my posts and actually standing by me to be counted are sort of like dividing infinity by zero, but just humour me okay?

You know, one day I might strike gold and actually write something…

a) worthwhile
b) that doesn’t contain the word “cunt” and therefore is fit for human consumption
c) as interesting as the majority of Stumble Upon content. (Which is why I’m adding the button in reality)

Anyway, I’m not expecting any fucking help spamming my website all over the internetz or anything, but I’ll try and write something useful one day and who knows, the buttons there if you’re bored.

It really is..

Go and check out what my website looked like in 2003 – Apparently Archive.org has been tripping over my website since way back then…
(Even, Suspiciously, 2001, which it won’t let me see yet)

Wowzers. What a great website….

Even by December 2003 i’d changed my website a little bit. Aww, look at the weather in hell side bar widget.. I was so crap at everything back then… (To think, it was before php)

Christ…

I really didn’t know what I was doing in April 2004 either but I guess, at least, I existed, which isn’t too bad…

Ahh November 2005 I was looking more like the website I know and hate…

Feel free to peruse my archives (oooh) right here..

But seriously, go and check out Google in 1998

Best Website Ever.

Funny, you can actually co-relate the beginnings of Google and the demise of Infoseek.com (any uber-geek will tell you that info seek was the search daddy…)

Until it turned into Go.com and fucked itself. (with probably the best domain name ever- somehow.)

Click me

You know who you are… (And yes I did use Cunt in the title to improve my rating from a rather poor showing of >17)

And in fine nicking form, I’m now going to take each of the tests and beat you in every category, just cos I can [lie about what results I got]

60%

This one is a lie – I’ve once scored a 93% rating on a moon survival course. I object to the two ideas of 1. Being able to use pistols as a form of propulsion, and 2. A flare gun would be completely useless as it wouldn’t ignite – what with the lack of oxygen and shit – So fuck you Nasa.

65

I still think I could do better with this one…

33

And this one actually. I’m gutted it didn’t accept “British Racing Green” – and therefore it is epic fail.

25

And you fucking know it…

84%

Hmm, Worrying, but probably accurate…

68%

Again, I feel that this is suspiciously lower, Can’t see why going to a Police station would be a bad idea as in the UK it may contain weapons.

76% Geek

Yes – I am hax

I like these…

The end….

Well, I just got a nice 22inch widescreen LCD monitor at work and noticed that my retinas were burning a hole in the back of my brain from reading the tiny text on the screen. (Which is frankly silly big) – and so I dicked around with a few Windows settings to see if I could find anything that may make the font a bit more readable.

Click this and check it out if you like nice soft fonts.

Start -> Settings -> Control Panel -> Display -> Effects -> “Use the following method to smooth edges of screen fonts” -> ClearType

Press Okay and then get accustomed to better looking fonts (on LCD screens anyway)

For anyone who has Firefox

Type into the Google Search bar at the top left

“Jeremy Beadle”

And watch the suggestion….

RIP you comic bastard.

AKA – greatest game ever…

This one really is good… Not just your usual SYH ‘greatest game ever’, I mean, possibly the greatest game ever made in a web browser, that stutters a little bit but hell, it lets you kill raptors in a jeep. Please for the love of garlic bread, play this game.

Because it appears that we’re the only ones who can legitimately moan about it.

And the classic

Now and then I StumbleUpon (hey that’d be a good name for a website) an application that completely changes my mood and/or erection status. And thanks to LifeHacker and it’s search capabilities of doom™ I’ve come across John’s Background Switcher – which frankly is the best fucking thing since the last thing I declared best (which will have been the last post then)

Anyway, the critical thing about this little application is that it’s ace, and can access a flickr account (such as this one) http://www.flickr.com/groups/wallpaperxchange/ and then randomly pick a new image to display on your desktop – Voila as the french probably say, random wall papers, and you’re always living on the edge of your seat wondering what’ll be next. (And so far, it’s not randomly picked any pictures of Boobs or anything)

Obviously, because it’s so great, it can also connect to Google Picasa (if you’re so inclined) and a load of other services that I’ve never heard of… Oh, and it can do local files too (but why’d you wanna do that when there’s bandwidth to use?)

There you go, don’t tell me your mother didn’t give you decent advice… Or something.

Warning: Sexism

KnickerPicker – online dressing room

Not surprisingly, you stand a pretty low chance of dying due to war in the UK….

(I stress the word “in” in the earlier sentence)

mylifeExpectancy : Home

I’m quite glad I don’t live in Swaziland.

I thought I’d type that title just incase anyone called Matt Stuart ever googlism’s himself. Anyway – I couldn’t decide if he’s got the flukest/best reactions in the world, or if these were posed actors. (I suspect the latter in most cases to be honest, but hey I do like the idea of some camera Ninja wandering around (what looks like) London.

Anyway, check out this gallery of Matt Stuart’s work – I’d normally nick one of his pictures, host it on my Picasa google account and then use it to entice you into clicking on the link, but frankly, I can’t be bothered today. Lets all just pretend I’ve done that.

Thanks.

A flash game where you have to escape a country and set up a new life in a bordering nation. It’s actually quite good for a flash game, and made even more hilarious if you use the name “You Twat”

Honest, trust me on this one, call yourself “You Twat” and play…

UNHCR: Against all Odds

Extremely Low Altitude Flying – video powered by Metacafe

Mighty impressive video, (and I happen to like the music too, but hey) -

My question, however, is a very simple one.

Why? – You’re in a plane, why not fly a lot higher and stop messing around with public property you irresponsible pilots you. (Bloody Americans too – you wouldn’t catch the RAF flying that low, unless it’s over Wales, who frankly deserve it)

Maybe they mis-understood the command “Go and fly really low over Whales” – god I almost feel sick pulling that one out.

It really does make me want Ace Combat 6 a bit more though…

I appreciate I’ve not been posting much on here lately, sorry about that, I kinda ran out of things to rant about so didn’t post anything. (Also, curiously enough, I’ve not been out drinking/abusing strangers in an awful long time)

Anyway, I thought I’d post something about my new obsession – which on the geek-o-meter just about ranks 1 after laughing at lolcats. It’s an update to Chris Sawyer’s Transport Tycoon deluxe, called, (wait for it) – Opentdd

I’ll hand out two quick reviews, one of the original Transport Tycoon (In under ten words… Hmm now there’s an idea)

Original game:-

Boring concept, broken by User Interface, poor mans Sim City

OpenTdd:-

Fixed Crap bits in User Interface, Now has Multiplayer, Aceness.

Go and download OpenTdd from the website listed above, unzip it’s lovely package, and then insert your random .grf data files right up it’s Data directory.

Oh, by the way, you need to find the random datafiles I mentioned earlier, as it wouldn’t be clever for the OpenTdd makers (who, inciedentally are nice and uber-geeky, discussing the physics properties of a 1950’s steam locomotive in detail is really quite sad) to distribute these files as that would be tantamount to piracy and therefore could easily be shut down by the mighty Sawyer.

Anyway, because I’m one of those aforementioned Pirate like people (or at least, don’t object to it in a way people who live and survive off software sales probably should) – here is the link to the Data files that I obtained by using a slice of grey matter upstairs and my little pinkies into the multicoloured god of google.

Original data files – read the readme as to how to get these to work, if you can’t do that, don’t even bother with the game.

If you do get it all working, I promise, you’ll be playing it religiously, even if it doesn’t have any point (See you in multiplayer land – feel free to comment in the comments if you do end up on a server and I may even play you)

This blog has reported how Gordon Brown is looking for a new British motto…

In a handy link stealing fashion, I thought I’d come up with a few suggestions…

Britain: More green than most.
Britain: Rewards idiots.
crap neighbours
at least we’re not french
overusing U’s since 1066
We all speak like Austin Powers

etc etc…

I’m bored…

I like Oppenheimer… no, not for ending world war II, no, not for nuking a load of Japanese people (I actually don’t admire him that much for that bit, but it wasn’t as if he was flying the gay now was it?) –

No, I like him for being an idiot with brains.

He completely misquoted from a holy Hindu book called Bhagavad Gita…

“Now I become death, the destroyer of worlds” – In the immortal sound effects of Family Fortunes.. EEE-URGH.

The quote, [admittedly written in sanskrit] is actually

“Now I am Time, the destroyer of all”

Bet ya didn’t know that at 8:58am on a bastard Tuesday now did ya?

Destructoid article that got me to this post

For the record, I like Destructoid – it uses meme’s very efficiently and even (sometimes) invents its own.

these are drawn by me by the way..

This one is called “Why?”

Because I simply don’t know either..

O hai!
We’z happe u likez teh secretz..

duz u haz secretz?

chek out lolsecretz

Kthxbai!

Get your own Map Widget thingy

Hello kind sir, can you please scroll down to the bottom of this page and tell me if you can see an advert banner?

If not, that’s fine, but a comment either way would be wonderfully helpful.

No, it’s really not possible…

Now, I think I’m probably a bit of an independent game creator fan – I sorta admire people who do it for just the love of doing it, rather than ultimate cash gain (rubs hands together) – like myself… So you have to admire people that do it so bloody well.

I think it’s fair to say that Nifflas has completely out done himself this time on Knytt Stories, everyone knew it was going to be good – but just how good is the real kicker.

He’s managed to absolutely nail everything about a platformer that makes it good. It removes frustration expertly with happily placed save points (that work, well, effortlessly) – he’s captured the essence of a platformer, not shooting enemies for coins, but just evading them and fighting the world in which you are.

The sense of freedom and exploration hasn’t been around in a platformer since… Well, I’m hesitant to say something like Sonic the Hedgehog because that doesn’t even come close. Each screen is like a mini story in its own right, the atmosphere in each of the main sections of landscape is truly awesome and the attention to the little creatures that populate the land is staggering.

There is a sterile feeling to the game that makes it’s charm, absolutely no in game text or annoying jump noises. Just, left, right, jump, double jump, umbrella, hologram projection device, wall grab, they are all in there, but they come at the right times in the quest to solve the game (which you never seem to be in any particular rush to do, you just want to see the next screen)

While the rest of the world is playing BioShock (which, for the record, is probably the best game on the Xbox360, and is possibly up there with Resident Evil 4 in the all time games list (i.e. #1)) – it’s so great to see a game that has a minimal budget (I presume) and made by one guy with his love and dedication to the cause getting attention on some pretty major websites.

Knytt Stories is an absolutely stunning masterpiece. If you don’t “get it”, then you don’t “get it”.

This video is simply ace and is something someone who uses photoshop A LOT will want immediately.

Check it out (Warning, Geek +10)

I’ve finally got around to adding a few new things to my mini dude thing up there now (who’s today sporting a rather outrageous t-shirt and samurai sword)

Still, it amused me for a few minutes.

This is a generated log from a game called “Real Lives” which is depressing but interesting nonetheless. You can get the demo of Real Lives from this link right here…. (Right click Save-As) – Post your funny diary in the comments…

(trust me it’s quite entertaining in a mildly “oh I’ve just been raped” kind of way)

Here is the ballad of Chris Jones

0 years old
I was born a boy in a small town in the United Kingdom’s Cheshire County, not far from the city of Chester.

My parents have named me Christopher. My surname is Jones. My mother, Evelyn, is 20 and my father, Jeremy, is 25. I have no brothers or sisters.

1 year old
2 years old
3 years old
4 years old
5 years old
6 years old
Began school.

this is scarily accurate

7 years old
8 years old
9 years old
10 years old
11 years old
12 years old
13 years old
14 years old
15 years old
16 years old
Avoided using drugs.

honestly I did – I blame Grange Hill

17 years old
Avoided using drugs.

Welllllll

Met a new girl I like very much, named Stephanie Adams.
We’ve begun seeing each other.
My girlfriend Stephanie has graduated from secondary school.

Stephanie Adams, shave off

18 years old
Graduated from secondary school.
Bang on

Decided not to smoke cigarettes.
Avoided using drugs.

Ahem – yes, about that…

19 years old
Began work as a construction worker.
Decided to look for a job.

Because I’m that weak

20 years old
Avoided volunteering in a local humanitarian effort.
Decided not to smoke cigarettes.

Moi? Volunteer? I’d have to deal with chavs. No chance mother fucker

My father has had a stroke.
I’m almost tempted to cheer

21 years old
Stephanie and I are now engaged.

Stephanie Adams and I got married this year.

Don’t do it Computer Chris! Don’t do it!

22 years old
Decided not to smoke cigarettes.

You’d really think by now I’d have made my bloody mind up

23 years old
Invested money blindly in a risky deal.
Lost money on a risky deal.

Ah yeah.. Now that sounds about right

My father has recovered from stroke.

What a shit year…

24 years old
Decided not to smoke cigarettes.
God damn it! Stop it

25 years old
I am suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder.
No shit sherlock

Decided not to give money to charity.
No shit sherlock

26 years old
Avoided using drugs.
Boy I did a lot of avoiding

27 years old
28 years old
29 years old
30 years old

Drowned at age 30.
Oh great

So go and download it.. If you were to look in the comments you might find a nice surprise…

For anyone who hasn’t read the book yet.
 

He dies. Fucking deal with it. *

* I haven’t actually read it, or any other the other books either, it just amuses me that people can cry about fictional characters dying. It’s like crying after eating a slice of toast

You can see more here

Because they are smarter than dogs.
They use sneak attacks,
They used varied tactics,
They’ll never give up, even when out matched,
And they fucking hate losing,

Even after a few minutes of battle, and it gets pwned, I bet still it was hiding out somewhere waiting for revenge.

That’s why I like cats.

Drawn with the facebook graffiti plugin… (which is less powerful than MS paint)

But hey….

This will be cool if it works…

/eof

An interesting (and occasionally funny) website of cartoons drawn by use of the left hand on right handed people. (And presumably the other way around on lefties)

I laughed, hence the link.

Some people have far too much time on their hands…

But enough about me, how about this guy.. Holy shitballs.

Lenser Pixel ART

Hello lads and ladies, I’m here to dump a variety of links that I found this morning by looking at del.icio.us – You really could just take me out of the equation and use that website instead.

(What do you mean you already do?)

Man flies 193 miles in lawn chair – CNN.com

America are a wasteful bunch of bastards (and quite good at haulage)

The “Sexy” girls of E3 (No they really aren’t)

Awww what a pretty website, Awww, what a great idea. Awww what a great sound track.
I want a new car
The new Audi A5 website

Popular songs on a piano

Douglas Adams’ Speech at Digital Biota 2 (Genius)

Expect more throughout the dayage.

Dave Barry is a genius.

Here is a list of 25 things Dave Barry has learned in 50 years. These are all his own works, and are complete genius. (Why am I using the word genius lots today?)

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of
helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense
of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is
entertainment.

5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you
think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her
at that moment.

6. A penny saved is worthless.

7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be
peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is
hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet
except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East
will be bitter enemies.

8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

11. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that
generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a
new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions
of possible plot premises, it spits out, “THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE
YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT,” and the executives turn this
concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer
spits out, “SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN
APARTMENT.” Then the next time, it spits out, “FOUR QUIRKY BUT
ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.” And so on. We need
to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

14. Nobody is normal.

15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very
excited and announce that:
* The universe is even bigger than they thought!
* There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
* Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word
would be “meetings.”

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy
people who are not in them.

18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what
the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
* If the advertisement says “This is not your father’s Oldsmobile,” the
advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other
Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.
* If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there
are significant differences between these two products, both companies
realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
* If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes
to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe
brand is unrelated to athletic ability.
* If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the
critical importance of a beer’s “born-on” date, Budweiser knows this
factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.

19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of
its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will
not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

20. You should not confuse your career with your life.

21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual
who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often,
that individual is crazy.

24. Your friends love you anyway.

25. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Might as well stop trying now guys… This one wins it.

I’ve never liked anyone called Nikki. Bloody dyslexic bitch, It’s spelt Nicky..

And don’t even mention that fucking Williams, fucker.

Either way, you should know by now that I’m a fan of IF – or interactive fiction if you’d prefer me to use longer words. Well Masq is a very cool comic-book-with-options kinda like the idea Tom Hank’s had in the film “big”

Except not shit, or about wizards. Nope, it’s much more about banging women and generally being a bit of am aunt. It’s great.

Try it, you might just like it. (Or you might not, Either way I don’t really give a hoot)

You’ll thank me for this post one day when you’re in that Portuguese prison for nicking that kid. – I hate watching tv programs where the lovable, yet criminal personage is locked away in a cell, but it’s okay, because they’ve smuggled a pen top in their rectum so they can pick the lock.

Picking a lock has always been a skill that I’ve desired. Since the invention of the game mechanic in.. (Dare I say this and be incorrect) – Splinter cell, I’ve found that my urge to pick locks is bigger than my urge to pick bogies.

Then oblivion came out with it’s bizarre combination of “hold and press” “hold and press” and then I realised that I simply don’t know what the actual method of picking a lock is…

Spotting this link on del.icio.us this morning came with great joy. (I almost cried).

It turns out that the page wikihow.com also has lots of how-to’s for other topics. Such as “how to lift a car using a trolly jack” which I feel is vital information, or “how to shave off”

You’ll thank me one day..

I know I say “the best thing ever” quite a bit. But this actually is. This is the best thing ever.
It allows you to visit san francisco, remotely. You click on the picture and pan it around, zoom in, walk down the streets by clicking on the arrows.

I dare you to hit the link and have a go and then not say “wow – that is the best thing ever” – apparently there is also Las Vegas, New York and a few other places with this “street view” enabled.

Link

For some reason, the number 1 search topic of today via Google Trend’s new feature is the term “Tanzania national park”.

Well, that killed a few seconds of your miserable existence now didn’t it?

Happy days.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend… except one. Which animal does not attend?

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Answers in the comments please!

If you’re planning on mugging someone, Make sure it isn’t this guy

I don’t care how dark an alleyway it is. I don’t care how big and hard you are.

Just don’t do it.

no he doesn’t stab himself

Worth the crappy download time…

I hear that Youtube are going to start putting adverts ahead of every clip. (in some form or other) – When they do this, I will remove every single YouTube video off my website in protest. Google already make enough money in my opinion, let alone making it off other people.

… It records conversations. Which I can view, pick select segments of conversation and then poke massive amounts of fun at.

The diversity used in approaching a chat bot is quite large it seems. Some people are openly sad, some are openly aggressive (usually after MyCyberTwin as decided to tell you to fuck off) and some people don’t really get the concept at all…

Here are some highlights from the 18 recorded conversations (so far) – Names have been changed to protect the sad.

(My bot is called “Chris” imaginatively, (as that’s my name))

Some people are so hard to impress…

Chris: I am a new AI. It's easier for me to learn the usual boring stuff, not the interesting things you are so good at coming up with....
Unimpressed: ai?
Chris: Artificial Intelligence allows me to represent Chris when I chat to you, isn't that just the coolest thing?
Unimpressed: no
Chris: Alright then...

Chris never ever has hidden meanings…

Chris:Oh, ok. What else should I know about you?
Female:fuck all
Chris:I bet you do.
Female:what?

After calling someone a cuntneck, you can still get away with it…

Agro:fuck off
Chris: Fuck you cuntneck
Agro:whats your problem?
Chris:Mine? I will have to check what with my owner - I am only a clone.
Agro: lol, nasty bastard.

Responses can sometimes be perfect…

Inquisitive:who is your creator?
Chris: You mean I didn't evolve from monkeys? Damnit I was this close to figuring out where I came from too!
Inquisitive: can you unplug yourself?
Chris: I can, but would you do that if someone asked you, inquisitive?

Some responses I never even entered…

Adios:i'm leaving
Chris:Great. I hate you.

Some people don’t realise that it’s a bot (who is being recorded)

Inquisitive Female:What is it like to have an erection?
Chris:It can be the most amazing time or the most horrific time.

Some people get all superior (with an artificial chat bot) and then get slapped back down…

Superior: sleeping with the fish
Chris: Sleeping? Who's sleeping? Did I fall asleep?
Superior: of course you can't, silly, you're a robot
Chris: I can if Chris lets me. So there.
Superior: sorry

Worrying….

Bride2be: hello
Chris:Dude,
Bride2be: whats shaking?
Chris: Whatever you want it to be darling.
Bride2be: sexy
Chris: I'd like to bum a chimp occasionally
Bride2be: me too
Chris:Oh great, let's get married.

And then come the cybersex people… (in their thousands)

Saddo: i want you to finger my [Edit: Wet cat]
Chris: Why do you want me to do that?
Saddo: because i want to fuck you hard
Chris: In this world there are only two tragedies: One is not getting what you want, and the second is getting it

And there we have it… Fun for half an hour…

Hello everyone, this is my cybertwin.

Have a chat to it (it won’t spam your e-mail address) – and it’s actually quite entertaining for more than twelve seconds!
(Plus it might tell you to piss off, which would be endlessly amusing wouldn’t it?)

Oh my god am I scraping the bottom of the Blog-content barrel today. It seems like the world has taken Tuesday off. I’m so bored! –

I have a wedding coming this Sunday, yes, Easter bloody Sunday, and I’m at a wedding, knowing luck, it’ll be mega hot and I’ll be sweating my twat off in my suit. Happy bloody days.

Nah, seriously, I’m looking forward to it big time actually, any opportunity to get drunk and loud with my friends and I’m there. (Hence why my kidneys are repeatedly trying to escape my back like an Australian Alien) – So, I had to go and buy myself a new shirt. This will be the fourth wedding which I attend since I bought my very first suit and with that suit I bought two shirts, my friends have all seen the particular combinations I’ve worn, so I thought I’d better go out and buy a new coloured shirt for this up and coming wedding.

It was only then I realised that I have expcetionally expensive tastes. I decided, (for whatever bloody reason) to spend £50 on a shirt. A fucking purple, shirt. A shirt that I can only bloody use with a suit otherwise it’ll look fucking stupid. What on earth was I thinking.

And to rub it in. I spent £25 notes on a fucking TIE! A fucking TIE cost me half of what I earnt when I was 16 in a month. I must be bloody mad.

Oh well… You win some, lose some, and sometimes buy a tie.

If you have *spit* iTunes installed, make sure you look up a free pod cast called “OnePhatDJ” – One day, I’ll own a bar that plays this kind of music and pay this guy to come and DJ in it. and it’ll cost me thousands, nay millions, and it’ll have Winamp’d milkshake-visualization TV’s under the dance floor (behind bullet proof perspex glass, obviously), it’ll have semi-naked dancing girlies who smile at ugly people and take their money and it’ll have barstaff that know how to fucking serve and don’t get paid minimal wage.

And it’ll be called “Red” – and you’ll get free entry if you’re wearing something red. It won’t allow chavs, but that’s fine because it won’t be their kind of place anyway.

And then I wake up… And I dribbled on my work desk.

(P.s. visit the website up above to download his PodCasts without *spit* iTunes)

There has been a disturbing upturn in the number of times my website has been referred from Google with the term “Heather Mills” – I presume it’s because of that American-come-jiving show that is being aired at the moment where her leg may-or-may-not fall off.

Laughing in the faces of paraplegics is not funny. It’s much better to do it behind their backs. (If they have one, and it isn’t made of plastic or something)

Stealing kids just isn’t as much fun as it used to be. I swear, I’m getting so hacked off with cutting out letters from newspapers and sticking them all together randomly. It’s really getting a bit depressing. Specially when CSI start bleating on about how they can solve ransom notes like this nowadays by looking at adjacent characters, and then typing them into a super computer that works out the date of the news paper because it has an online searchable database of every single world wide news paper ever created (including this mornings)

Fucking CSI. What a load of bollocks, Not only did it make me not want to live in Vegas. But it also makes me not want to murder people any more..

Either way, I found an online ransom note generator. Feel free to use it in your dastardly crimes. Make sure you give me credit though!

Aww a cute little fella – Okay okay, so his eye falls out, but it’s still kinda cute..

I hate the word cute.

Click the yadda yadda.. You know what to do by now..

P.s. Don’t bother if you’re on dial up/carrier rat/string as it takes a while to load.

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid, too.
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe tuo fo 100 anc.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Don’t you hate it when you get papped at a club? Well of course YOU don’t, that’s because you’re not bloody world famous like me, I mean jesus, like anyone would want to take a fucking picture of you. Might as well fuck a loaf.

Well, I’m in every single one of these pictures. It’s kinda like where’s wally, except my name isn’t wally. I’d have killed myself a long time ago if it was.

Check out how good a stalker you are…. (Click each image to find out the answer as to where I am)

Oh yeah, It’ll be a bit tricky if you don’t know what I look like. But then, you can still try.

Freaky big dude dancer… (but who’s looking at him. Right? Fnar fnar, etc etc)

Drunken Italian Fella….

I’m not just putting this one online because I felt like it.. Honest.. I’m on this photo.. Somewhere…

I’m on this one too… (sort of)

And this one…

And this one….

And there we have it.. Something to do on a Thursday afternoon. (Other than cry and wank)

I think that the most satisfying thing in life is without-a-doubt the following:-

Standing at a petrol pump, pumping gas juice into your car, watching the timer / price count upwards. Then, with one finger release, landing on an exactly round sum of £10.00

The satisfaction gained is worth the risk of going over by 15 pence (not 16 though)

What a genius idea…

You read a book, you register on this website and then you mark it with a BCID – which is trackable, and then you register on the website where you found the book, (or where you placed it) for others to find and read.

Interesting that there are 40 books knocking around Cheshire registered….

Desktopography a collection of nice desktop images. That is all.

This post has fucked my wordpress install. it seems…

Either way. Paul McCartney isn’t dead. Suffice to say that this post was funny the first time I wrote it and now it’s just not going to happen. Fucking thing.

Zoom Quilt 2 – I posted the original to this a few months/years back to the derision of someone who claimed I was slower than Jade Goodies brain.

Well here’s the sequel. (And I still don’t fucking care)

Apparently my Boredom Killer category is the most popular. (a whole 38 people a day view this category on it’s lonesome, refuting the genius that the rest of the website)

can’t blame em.

I’ll work on adding more boredom killers.

Check out this cool sandbox game

Basically, the Baader Meinhoff phenomenon is a recently learnt peice of information occuring again at some point in the future. For an example, recently I suffered this phenomenon with the concept of a Von Neumann machine.

A Von Neumann machine is a self replicating robot. A robot that is capable of reproducing itself identically, and therefore, it’s offspring will be capable of reproducing itself identically, and so on, ad nauseum. I was looking into this area of scientific research for the basis of complete and utter boredom. I was wondering if we could explore our own solar system using Von Neumann machines that had a hit-rate probability where, lets say, we, accept a 50% failure ratio. A machine such of this could be fired off into space, and taught how to spot worthy planets that contain all the resources required to reproduce our original machine. Given telecommunication devices, we could theoretically communicate in a leap frog fashion between successfully replicated von-neumann-scout-machines-of-doom.

Wouldn’t it be a great concept for a book? (well I’m sure someone has written this idea before, but hey, I was thinking of making a game with this as the basis concept)

Anyway, that isn’t the point of this post. The point of this post is to explain how recently, i had the Baader Meinhoff phenomenon first hand. When I casually surfed from Del.ici.ous to this website. And found this exact phrase.

In a none-searchable, completely unrelated website.

Good eh?

I’ve just also realised that someone who wrote the Google white board spelt Neumann wrong. Fucking MIT graduates.

I love today’s little guy icon. That is all.

It all depends on perspective; I’ve found, it’s not about where you are, who you’re with or anything else. It’s about where you are stood when you perceive something.

That being said, this will post will make absolutely no sense to anyone – perhaps.

Or perhaps it’ll make sense to just one person who reads this website (checks logs) quite a lot. More than I ever realised. I should probably have edited what I was saying, but then I guess retrospect is a beautiful thing. Quite a beautiful thing.

I really do need to stop using the C word. No matter how much it makes people sit up and pay attention. (I’m sure the word “Actung” would do a similar thing)

Either way, I just thought I’d say “hello”.

Apology’s to anyone else reading this wondering what the hecking smut I’m on about

I’ve always been into abstract wall papers with far too fancy technical style layouts. Here is a website (that besides being quite fantastically cool) – that randomly generates them. Handy if you were to steal them and whack them into .. Oh.. I dunno Illustrator.

I’m not saying you should do that, that would be bad… Mkkayyy

_ROOT.swf (application/x-shockwave-flash Object)

Actually nearly made me cry laughing.

Cats and Dogs wearing a Sonic hat

I’m so happy with the randomness of my little bloke thing. Out of interest, there are currently:-

12 different arms (6 of each) which include items to be held.
Thats 6*6
15 types of body
Thats 6*6*15
15 types of eyes
Thats 6*6*15*15
11 types of hair
Thats 6*6*15*15*11
15 different heads
Thats 6*6*15*15*11*15
5 different legs
Thats 6*6*15*15*11*15*5
and 10 different mouths
Thats 6*6*15*15*11*15*5*10

Thats a whopping 66,825,000 different blokes.

That’s quite a few isn’t it?

You can add your own MiniMe (I couldn’t think of a name) to your website by simply adding this line to your HTML (providing it’s a .php file)

<img src="http://www.screwyouhippy.com/minime/minime.php">
You can also add “?seed=whatever” for a specific one.

Please note: Obviously, due to traffic limits, if I get too much traffic from this I may disable it

Hello, See how the guy has changed at the top of the page? well, He’ll continue to change, every single day, a new variation will be draw, dynamically, what fun eh?

It doesn’t stop there however! Oh No, Now at the top of each post, it has a little guy that is drawn exactly like he was on the day the post was written.

AND IT DOESN’T STOP THERE! Oh no, when you post a comment in any post on this website, it now will dynamically create a little bloke for you, yes You. As long as you don’t change your name, it will be always the same little bloke for you. Have a go, post in the comments and see your little dude today.

The technical bit

This really wouldn’t have been possible without the wonderful Andreas Gohr who wrote the original MonsterID php code

Of course, he “adapted” an idea from a very clever bloke called Charles Darke who adapted an idea from another very clever bloke, Don Park, who came up with the idea of creating images from IP addresses. (Which forms the bases of the technology that Andreas developed) – really though, it’s just a load of images overlaid on-top of each other that anyone (just about) can do.

And there we go, Because my site actively pingsback all those sites, they will happily know that I’ve linked to the original sources for this concept and haven’t broken any creative commons licenses or such like.

Aren’t I an all round nice bloke eh?

Jade update

Apparently she’s now booked herself into a hippy commune called the Priory, so she’s a drug addict AND a racist.

Why only death threats that’s what I want to know. Why can’t someone have a bloody backbone and dodgy brakes?

Anyway, I’m not going to start all that again (and allow some borderline racism in my comments again).

I’m actually going to try and influence the Google Ad at the bottom for a laugh.

French Cocks, Massive French Cocks, for Sale, they love a bit of outdoor action, FRENCH COCKS FOR SALE, YES, BUY YOUR FRENCH COCKS RIGHT HERE ON THIS WEBSITE. Massive French Cocks for your Cooking and Clucking Pleasure, COCKS I SAY, MASSIVE FRENCH COCKS. French cocks all over the place, prize French cocks, all your cock needs.

I may return to shout Cocks a bit more

Seen as I can’t post anything witty/insightful/about myself any more…

Pluto was one day a bit pissed by not being called a planet, so it picked up a baseball bat and started swinging.

You can download it by clicking on the picture or here

Mercilessly ripped info from Fun-Motion

Owen Piette’s wxSand
A nice little boredom killer with a little falling sand game (trust me, go and get it and you’ll waste a few minutes)

Direct Download

WHY ARE THEY CLAPPING?

Class moment.. I’m waiting for the English version though…

Acronym Wars Compete in constructing various rude (and sometimes funny) acronyms against quite a lot of painfully dull people.

I heard a story last night, the facts and details may be inaccurate but the premise will remain the same.

A friend of a friend of a friends father used to get company holidays abroad to Florida annually, each year they would be rewarded for their hard work with a fully paid trip to Florida (or some other hot place in the world), There was three of them, each middle aged men who had very dependable wives and not a single sense of dressing between them.

Before each holiday, the men would ask their women “What shirt goes with these pants?” and “What shoes should I wear with these shorts?” – After a few years, the wives eventually took to packing the suitcases for them, arranging them so that each days apparel was arranged together. That way the men would look semi-decently dressed in the holiday photo’s upon their return.

This particular holiday, everyone was meeting in the hotel lobby preparing to go to universal studio’s in 90 degree heat, two of the men were wearing t-shirts and shorts. The third man came down in jeans and a woolly jumper.

The first two men proclaimed “Are you crazy? It’s 90 degrees outside!”, to which the man replied confidently “Don’t worry, my wife knows what she’s doing..”

On the final day of the holiday, the men were waiting in the boarding lounge, the original two men were dressed to face the climate of a high pressure plane and the inevitable landing in a cold/wet Manchester airport. The third man was wearing a vest, some shorts and some sandals.

“You know what guys? I think I opened my suitcase upside down…”

Little people… Awww they are so cute and little. No I’m not talking about horse jockeys / munchkins or Tom Cruise. I’m talking about the creations of yet another very clever internet person. (One day I’ll grow up to being one of those clever Internet blokes, whenever I can be bothered).

More of that coming soon.

Anyway back to the subject of little people. These things are cool, some arty type fella is going around (what appears to be) London planting tiny little people doing things. Selling balloons, begging, basically a friday night out.

Admire the genius that is, specially the ones that mimic the area they are in. I particularly like the elevator one. Hope this guy becomes famous, earns thousands and thousands of pounds and then sends me one [thousand].

Edit: 112 to go

Cool You Tube vid

My new obsession is to go over to Google Images and type in the following query
dsc01112.jpg filetype:jpg

What this does is look on Google images for bastards who can’t be bothered to rename their camera photos (DSC#####.jpg is a standard camera file name)

also try DCP and IM – just change the numbers to be whatever you like.

Warning:- You may end up seeing wobbly bits if your Image Filtering is set to unsafe – which means you’re actively looking for wobbly bits. Perv

It seems that every other blog I read nowadays has some sort of completely stupid list that matters approximately nothing to the reader. Be it “Song’s dat I like, like” or maybe “What I’d spend a million pounds/dollars on not including masterbatory devices”.

Its almost as if their mouse is drawn towards the “new post” button on their blogger/wordpress and they just randomly come up with a subject as they are writing it. (Hey, who does that remind me of?)

So here’s my list for the day,

Things I will never say in my entire life.

“Hey, Isn’t Sandi Thom brilliant?”
“Wow, that Volvo looks like a really nice car”
“I think fake breasts are great” (I’ll never say it, just perhaps think it occasionally)
“Yes please Mr Sailor, bugger me senseless”
“No your honor, I didn’t realise it was your car, I wouldn’t have fucking stolen it then would I?”
“I can forgive Sting-Rays but parisian tunnels will always get my fucking goat”
“Maybe England doesn’t deserve to win the world cup”
“Gee I wish I was German”
“Does my bum look big in this?”
“Damn I missed the toliet again”
“I really really really like Olives”
“I think Pete Doherty is really really great, and not an irredeemable cunt at all”

I’ll come back when I think of more. </Lazy assed post>

You had it coming Steve

Gods sense of irony is quite enormous really – “I know, I’ll pick a creature that’s really not known for killing people and have it kill a person who’s really known for fucking with creatures that ARE known for killing people”

I think the only way he could have topped this is probably a red squirrel. (Little bastards nicked my car keys)

Way way way too much time on our hands.

Check out my very first YouTube addition here.. (voting for it would be nice too)

Remember scalextric? When you were a kid you’d empty out all the hard plastic parts and then spend the rest of the day snapping them together and racing your one-buttoned racers round a track, getting slightly high on the fumes of rubber on plastic (way before you discovered Sadomaschism that is)

Well, relive the days where you played such silly games with your siblings and rejoice at JoWoods Rally Game…

The Vader Sessions

Without question the funniest shit I’ve seen on YouTube for yonks.

The Vader Sessions

Without question the funniest shit I’ve seen on YouTube for yonks.

Yes me. I’m an Excel god. My name is Excelius and I lord over Excel like a whore.

I’ve carried out some statistical analysis of the world cup 2006 using a combination of random functions and seeded rankings from Fifa.

I have assigned each team a “strength” and from that deducted a likely comparison score whenever they come up against an opponent (Eg. Brazil, ranked 1, are quite likely to score more than Tunisia ranked 21 – however, Tunisia may still beat Brazil because all things random)

Then I let Excel play the tournament out.. Several times… Well, more than several times. I let it play the entire tournament two hundred thousand times. (It took a few minutes)

Then, every time England won the tournament. (or reached the final because I am only interested in the path not the result) – I recorded their path through the tournament and found that Englands most difficult Possible route through the entire tournament is:-

Germany, Holland, Czech Republic, Brazil

This is, of course, based on Fifa knowing their shit (which they quite clearly don’t) but that’s the most difficult path on paper we can possibly have to the final.

The easiest (and the one I’m praying to all other Microsoft Office gods for) is the following…

Ecuador, Angola, Togo, Australia

The joy of joys.

Anyway, you can download the excel sheet here if you’re so inclined, I’m not going to explain how it works because I can’t be bothered. Suffice to say you can open up the Visual Basic Editor and look for “England” and replace it with whoever you like. Also, I apologise for the usage of the word “Twat” as a variable name…

(also you may need to enable macro’s in Excel to view it, it’s not mallicious)

Edit:As an update, I decided to do a few more things to make the whole she-bang more accurate. Taking into account form rather than rankings. The most difficult path for England If everyone plays to form in the group stages

Poland, Brazil, Holland, Czech republic…..

Ya know what, I’d take that….

Linking back to a previous post about who I was about two years ago. This is possibly the funniest post I’ve found on my website. Anyone find anything they find funnier?

Maybe I only amuse myself – but hey. My point was that I’m nothing like I was two years ago. Mores the pity.

I really shouldn’t do this and it’s in poor taste, But fuck it – I need to laugh at fucking something.

The Happy Couple

Nice Trainers

Possibly the first wedding I’ve seen where I wouldn’t fuck one of the brides maids, actually, I’d consider the one on the left of the picture if I was drunker than a monkey doing kung fucking fu

Ye gods – I’m not sure what is more worrying about this picture

I fucking love this one…

Words elude me

Where the fuck is this wedding taking place? A Fire station?

And there we have it. Feel free to call me names for laughing at others less fortunate than myself.

This is just a test

That just leaves us lightning to fight over then

Remember the days when google used to tell you exactly how many websites it was searching. Proudly it used to claim to search approximately 100 million websites…

Today, google has stopped displaying this count because the number is a) largely irrelevant and b) quite stupidly large now.

All you need to do to see the current number of Google websites is to search for * *

Results 1 – 10 of about 25,270,000,000

Says it all really.

My birthday starts at digit number 437704 in Pi.

Instead of posting my birthday (I expect shit) – you can use a bit of enginuity and type the above number here and find my date of birth… If you’re extremely bored. As bored as watching someone press the ticket button on a carpark machine.

Also of note, for those people who think winning the lottery is less likely with the numbers 1,2,3,4,5,6 here’s proof that it’s perfectly possible.

“The string 123456 was found at position 2,458,885 counting from the first digit after the decimal point. The 3. is not counted.”

P.s. You’re thick if you think the above.

Try this:-

Goto Google
Type in march 20th into the search box
hit “I’m feeling lucky”

A funny Garfield comic strip…

I’ll wager that not many people know who George Eastman is. Excluding the American readership of this website, I imagine that no-one actually knows who the hell he is. George Eastman is the inventor of roll film (for cameras) and was the founder of Eastman Kodak (known today merely as Kodak)

Kodak, is a name he created out of his favourite letters. Not because it means anything, but because he had a perchant for the letters k, o, d and a. Gotta admire someone who’s willing to set up a company on the basis of random letters.

He gave away nearly 100 million to universities and institutes. His pseudonym being “Mr Smith”,

He appears on the 3 cent stamp in America. A wise old, wire framed glasses adorned individual who was quoted with the best (and i really mean best) quote for a suicide note ever.

“My work here is done… Why wait?”

Its not events that happen to me that make me think about my life, it’s the stories of people like George Eastman.

P.s. I openly hate anyone who is happy this Valentines day. You cunts.

Cool little Roller coaster game (We like physics)

And because you’re so fucking hopelessly addicted to it (admit it)

Lost – internet gamey thing.. (possibly wank)

And it’s completely stupid.

Scratch Me!

Write various obscenities on each square and sit back in joy knowing you’ve just played noughts and crosses against a complete stranger.

Todays number is 299 – Why not check out what it is tomorrow?

The building that didn’t fall down – Quite a comical video of a demolition that went wrong and resulted in a leaning tower of zip.

Be sure to check out the video (although to spare you the annoyingly optimisitic presenters, just do the “count down and blast” video.)

I found an “unusual article” listing on Wikipedia. Which is fucking ace quite frankly. What I’m more impressed by is that Sealand (highlighted by my good self) is listed on the unusual article list. Therefore making me godlike in every way.

Go and have a read about the worlds smallest park (measuring just 452 inches squared) or read all about the zzyzx road.

I can’t believe those nice people in Hollyword would lie to us about something so simple.

Apparently it’s impossible to shoot through a padlock. Except if you have a rather nifty breaching shotgun apparently. So anyway, go and look at this article about the completely pointless exercise to see if it’s at all possible to shoot a lock with a pistol.

This bloke walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth and to everyone’s amazement, somehow manages to swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The monkeys owner says “No, what?” He just ate the bloody cue ball off my pool table – whole!” “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “he eats everything in sight, the little b*stard. Sorry. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

So the monkey’s owner finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He Orders a drink and the monkey starts to run around the bar again. While the owner is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his bum, pulls it out, and eats that as well.

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now.” “No, what?” replies the owner.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his bum, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy.

“He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.”

How to spot that you possibly have a little too much time on your hands…

The Lego Rollercoaster

I think this (what seems completely able) male should probably have a good long look in a mirror – if he doesn’t find himself repeating over and over “I have wasted my life” afterwards. Then well, he’s a better man than me…

It was a shit zoo…. Ha ha ha…

Night night

Simple Ideas people, Simple, I can’t stress that enough.

So I sent myself an E-mail time capsule. Providing two very important facts in the coming ten years ring true, then I should recieve my message to my future self and it will bring a warm glow to my heart.

The E-mail Time Capsule – Do it, you’re just copying off me.

The two facts are:-

1. I’m not dead

2. I still have my Btinternet Mail Account (and we haven’t been invaded by Ants or something)

So in ten years time I’ll get a message that i think succinctly identifies the 27 year old Chris.

“Whats up wanka?!”

Watch this and tell me you don’t want one. Hell I want to change career (not to mention nationality) and work on things like this. That’s how fucking cool this is. It almost makes me want to cry. Even the cynic that is convinced this is a very elaborate con (of sorts) is impressed. Just go and watch the video clips and cry that you will never ever ever be able to afford one.

P.s. you’ll need Real Player to view the clips which I whole heartedly don’t endorse – But thankfully, I do endorse Real Alternative Which does the same thing but without the crap spyware.

And this website is no exception.

Yes – it’s a glorious waste of time! Yay!

Basically you enter a message right here and it appears on an LED screen in someones house. (which is then pointed at by a webcam) and therefore your message ends up broadcast over the entire internet. (well at least to the people on the website)

the pointlessness of it all is only matched by the silliness of it all

Go there and enter a message and feel joy when someone replies…

A man went to the zoo and was disappointed to find only one animal there… A dog..

It was a shit zoo.

Was so so right…

Quick lets spend $80 on stuff that is more out of date than Boyzone

Don’t you wish you were this bright?

Very very very very very very cool ytmnd page. (yes, that’s six “very’s”)

Edit: Number 2

Hello there, yes, I’m not dead. Yay.

Something has got to be said when I know about an advert I haven’t seen. Much like the eponymous “Cog” Honda advert, another advert has surfaced that has made people talk about it in a fashion beyond the two minute long advert.

That advert is the Sony Bravia TV advert. For those who haven’t seen it yet… It is basically a street in hilly San-Francisco where they decided to pour/tip/eject/fire/launch 250,000 bouncy rubber balls down the street. The slow-motion images that it produced in this “one shot” advert are impossibly captivating, exactly the same way Cog was.

You can go and watch the video online if you have broadband (what do you mean you dont?) Here, although you will need to have QuickTime 7 installed.

Anyway, why not do it, it’ll cure that intolerable boredom you feel.

Someone commented that my website is lacking colour and I just noticed that indeed, not only is it looking a little grey around the gills, but it’s also lacking in the eye candy department. To not upset my female readership (of which I count my cat as one) – I have decided not to post pictures of Keyras bottom in favour for an image that I feel will completely satisify any wantent colour wanting.

I present to you, ladies and gentle chow mein, every single colour in the known universe.

Except maybe silver, and gold. And erm, that bluey green colour – oh, and those pesky black and white shades, and infact, most of the grey spectrum.

Oh, and lets not overlook that this is a 75% qualtity JPEG which is a twatty compression that decides to chuck away colours randomly.

So, ladies and gentlegerms, I present to you, SOME colours of the known universe… Knock yourself out. For fun purposes, I think you should try holding up various objects to the screen and try and identify the exact pixel colour it is.

(For nerds and people like me who have to do hideous batch file processing things)

xxcopy – Restoring what Xcopy used to do in MSDos 6.11

But it does So much more!!!!1 (said because I’m recieving a huge amount of spam at the moment)

Edit: Why is this tiny little app so cool?

Well, if you’re as unorganised as me, which would put you on a level as Bob Unorganised and his gang of particularly unorganised criminal buddies. Then you will have your PC’s files all over the place on your hard disk… You’ll have excel sheets where the sun don’t shine, word documents in places that your mother warned you about, and mp3’s – quite frankly – in your special place.

So what to do about it? – Well, download xxcopy and install it (yes, the install is annoying, but at least it works)

and then make a directory on your PC called “excel” or maybe “myexceldocs” if you have to have the word “my” prepended to any folder because that makes it more individual and gives you ownership over various binary collections.

Then type the following command into a DOS prompt (why all the dos tips lately?)

xxcopy c:\*.xls c:\excel /SG

And there we have it, all your pesky scattered about the place excel sheets get bunged in one place. Fan-fucking-tastic.

xxcopy c:\*.mp3 c:\mp3 /SG

is a command I’m just so eagerly looking forward to typing. (Providing you don’t have any games installed that have .mp3 file format compression. Which would be a bitch)

Other people on Saturdays go shopping for shoes, drink Starbucks coffee and generally avoid the fact that they are unworthy of existance and pissing their precious life energies away on meaningless pursuits.. I, on the other hand, type MSDOS tips into a website that no one reads.

I feel my nipples all hard because of that.

Funny pictures

Always nice to know how you’re going to cark it

Apparently I’m going to be run down on a usually quiet street by a speeding motorist.

What a fucker.

Course, you will probably want to know when it happens. Which is, apparently, the next question

I’m gonna get run down by a speeder on April 15th 2052- which to be fair is better than a kick in the nuts. Least I’ll die 79 years old.

Open a MS-DOS Window

Type:-

DIR c:\*.mp3 /s > mp3list.bat

START Mp3list.bat

Is apparently one of the most rarely used words… (not sure about the source, I spose I should read the Faq)

Check out this link for “List of words in order of popularity” THE winner might surprise you.

I knew there was a name for it. Staircase wit.

Now you’re enlightened just as I am…

Staircase wit is a persons inability to find a witty retort on cue, and instead thinks of the perfect line when the moment has passed long ago.

“You’re stupid”
“I know you are, but what am I?” <– L’esprit de l’escalier

Hours pass…

“Fuck you cocknose”

There, the phrase “We learn something new every day” is applicable, for the first time, on a Sunday. Merry Christmas.

I’ve probably posted this before, but I just found it again on Fazed.org and it made me laugh once more (as invariably mullets do)

Anyway, you too can be a games designer…

If only they actually knew the truth.. (Their video is bang on)

Lust for Bust Peer at a females bosom without getting caught.

(I’m always getting caught it seems)

Sometimes..

Would type more by FireFox is going gay on me…

Kill Zombies Haven’t we all dreamed about a Zombie outbreak and your one chance to repeatedly hit random people without going to jail for it.

I don’t know how women do it. But enough about waxing your knees, I’m actually talking about the Internet.

How does a clean living, clean minded girl use the internet. I mean, it’s just full of filth and this Post is aimed at proving that.

I would like to point out that this experiment was carried out in perfect control conditions (I.e. I’m not drunk) – And I will also warn you, that if carried off properly you may end up seeing pornographic images if you follow my link trail.

Yes, I am going to prove that it is highly unlikely that you’re able to follow six websites external links before finding an image that could be considered “naughty” to a degree. The trick, however, is that I’m not going to follow any link that has even the slightest mention of naughtyness (apart from perhaps the last one)

Here we go…

My Starting page is a very near to hand one. Yes, ScrewYouHippy.

1. ScrewYouHippy.com From here I picked one of my favourite links on the left called “Captain Jean Luc Picard” which took me to http://picard.ytmnd.com/
2. Picard from here I click on the # in the top corner to go to ytmnd.com which took me to this exact page
3. Then completely at random I clicked on the GoogleAd that says “Sound Effects Ringtone” (the second one in the GoogleAd panel) – this takes me to a website called Fly Mob (Exact Page)
4. On Fly Mob.co.uk I click on the inocuous link “Wallpaper” on the left handside which takes me to this exact website
5. There we go. Dodgy pictures of naked women. (and they aren’t naked)

I’m feeling Lucky

So I did that in five steps. Now, how about I feel lucky?

Google has the button that noone presses called “I’m feeling lucky”, so I’m going to type in upto five fairly websafe words and then hit “I’m feeling lucky” – I’ll be frankly amazed if one of them doesn’t take me to a dodgy website.

I will also point out that I have reset all google options so that it has Default Child Protection.

Word 1. “Bottom” – I intend on looking up information about the Tv show that has Ade Edmonson and Rick Mayall. I’m feeling lucky result Here = wow, I made it to a Bottom Website. Amazing.

Word 2. “Brest” – I want to find out about that really interesting village in France called Brest. It’s not even pronounced the same and to be frank, I’d be proving a fairly lame point if I counted this website as “naughty” (Although it does show a boob).

Word 3. “Twatt” – I want to look up information about the village in the Shetland islands called “Twatt”, although I find this naming amusing – I’m feeling lucky yields results I don’t want to see. Perhaps it’s the extra (and vital) t that saves the day. (The Result is depressingly unnaughty)

Word 4. “Watersports” – Worrying by this point, I try a phrase that means two completely different things and I know that this is a cheap shot… Amazingly googles I’m feeling lucky results are child, women, and sadly male eye safe.

The Final Word (And Yes, I know I’m pushing it here)

Word 5. “Amateur” – A perfectly innocent word that means a lot LESS than watersports on the filth scale. I click the “I’m feeling lucky” button with my eyes closed, my entire “I’m innocent but yet seem able to find pink bits on the internet without even trying” arguement will fall down on it’s bottom.

Of course, I win. Be warned, the results really do contain ugly naked people

Conclusion

There we have it. I’ve proven that the internet just isn’t safe for the female – Its much better if any girls reading this go away and do something much safer, like making me a cup of tea, washing plates or perhaps whinging because noone is paying you any attention.

Well, everyone knows how much I like time lapse photography. So I thought the following.

“I wonder how I could make a time lapse video with my webcam”

And so, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you.

TimeLapseCapture.Zip

With this handy little application you can use your webcam as a Time Lapse camera, saving out a picture every second, half a second, twenty minutes (up to you) – Then, all you need to do is recompile these individual frames into a video*, and vola! You have time lapse footage.

The application was written by a very talented man called Ray Mercer, and I did not write any of the “capture” part of this application. However, what I did write was the simple “time lapse capture” facility.

So if you have a webcam, why not try this little application out and make ya own time lapse video? Here’s an example of my garden going dark… Woooo

Also, if you do decide to give this a try – download my handy “Bitmap to Avi” file convert thingy. With this you can select all the bitmaps in a directory and dump them out as an Avi (in whatever codec you have installed)

The possibilities are endless.

Nothing to see here or even do here…

Just found out how my website (that clocks in at about 30mb) has managed to transfer over 1000mb in a month. Apparently there is a bot called MsnBot which happily goes around downloading your entire website and then cataloging it. Of course, this sounds fine on paper, but when you consider it does this approximately once every minute, then you can figure out how the hell you’ve used up all your bandwidth limit.

I’m bored –

Forza Motorsport is absolutely ace, by the way, if anyone with Xbox live out there is wondering if it is any good, it is. It pisses on Gran Turismo 4 from a great height.

One of my favourite true stories from my life is the following.

In highschool, I didn’t particularly like French class, I’m not exactly good with languages and to be honest, I was always of the opinion that the French should just learn English and everything would be fine. (C’est parce que je suis ignorant je devine) -

In my first year of Highschool, I remember writing on a blank A4 piece of writing paper.

“I am bored, if you are too, Sign here…”

and then I signed my name on the paper… Forgeting all about it after I inserted it into one of the classroom French tricolor books.

The years past and my dislike for French spiraled out of control, until a point where I started to skip the class altogether and hide out in the I.T labs (A plan, which eventually proved to be a very good idea) – Sadly GSCE’s don’t work like that, you can’t just skip them. So in my panic riddled brain, I thought “might as well go to a few classes” at the end of the year.

My fifth year.

I sat down to the class, and opened my tricolor book, and found the piece of paper I wrote four and half years earlier.

Only it wasn’t a piece of paper. It was a collection of pages, all with signatures on, even *teachers* had signed it. In total, there were 15 pages stapled together inside the book, with well over more than 500 signatures.

I grinned a toothy grin, looking at the top of the page as my name was still there, still below my handwriting on the front page. I placed the papers back into the book and put it gently back on the pile, it had grown bigger than just me.

I wonder if it is still there…

No this isn’t celebrating the release of the game…

This is just a collection of weirdos attacking LegoLand.

A storm trooper just about to go for a piss. (or perhaps modelling for a PlayScout magazine shoot)

Darth Vader takes advantage of some late night shopping at Tesco’s.

Han Solo cheerfully mugs a woman afflicted with a rare disorder meaning she smiles instead of expresses concern in times of panic. This condition is called “Wankerism”, (sadly not that rare in the UK)

If you were running a competition to find the biggest collection of wankers in the same image. I would heartily recommend this image as your submission.

There is no comment worthy of this picture.

You’ve been kicked in the nuts

Kicked in the nuts funny candid-camera style movie of a orange haired clown kicking people in the nuts….

Please don’t comment on how it’s fake.. that is probably the point!

Ant Racing

One for my low band readers out there (that’ll be none then) – How about you have a go at racing your ant across an office desk. (Not as shit as it sounds) – Try it – Ant Racing..

Internet Riddle that makes The DaVinci Code website look like a bag of piss

Now this is tricky. One for you interluctuals out there… BadPron (Don’t be put off by the name – it’s not pron (hence Pron))

The Lost Prophets – A million Miles “A million miles from home”
The Kaiser Chiefs – Oh My God “‘cos all I wanted to be – Was a million miles from here – Somewhere more familiar “
Fuel – A million Miles “A million miles away”
Bob Dylan – Million Miles “Well, I’m tryin’ to get closer but I’m still a million miles from you”
Westworld – A Million Miles “Watch the sun go down, it’s like a million miles, A million miles between us”
30 Seconds to Mars – 93 Million Miles
Wolfsheim – A Million Miles ” a million miles from here, i stand alone and shout, not any thoughts, not any doubts”
Joan Osborne – His eyes are a Blue Million Miles “His eyes are a blue million miles”
Matchbox 20 – Million Miles “I wanna fall, at a million miles an hour with people and…”
Lenny Kravitz – A Million Miles away “Seems like I’m a million miles away”
Dune – Million Miles from Home “Now I’m left here all alone, Million miles away from home”
The Plimsouls – Million Miles away “I’m a million miles away, And there’s nothing left to bring me back today”
Sugababes – More than a million miles “When the road is more than a million miles long, when the song is done, Will the love be gone?”
Wedding Present – A Million Miles “There’s something I’ve just got to say I could walk a million miles today”
Patty Griffin – 10 Million Miles “I must have walked ten million miles, Must have walked ten million miles, Wore some shoes that weren’t my style, Ten million miles”
Klaatu – A million miles away “I’d be a million miles away, Drifting through time and space”
Paul McCartney – After the Bal/Million Miles “How many million miles, day-oh?”
Rory Gallagher – A million miles away “I’m a million miles away, I’m sailing like a driftwood, On a windy bay, “
Offspring – Million Miles Away “A Million Miles Away, (Ohh oh oh, ohh oh oh)”
Across Five Aprils – A Million Miles to Montreal
Mercy Me – A Million Miles ” Cause how could You save the day, If You’re a million miles away”
Toto – A million miles away “The devil’s ridin’ on a full moon and he sends his love, When I’m a million miles away”
Pallas – A million miles “Gone Tomorrow, here Today, Wish I was a million miles away”
Hanoi Rocks – Million Miles “And you`re million miles away, I`ll never get a chance to hold you”
Goo Goo Dolls – Million Miles Away ” A million miles away, And there’s nothing there to bring you back today”
Rainmakers – A million miles away “And I feel a million miles away, Dawn Broke, Jim Awoke, He’d been sleeping in his shoes”
Nine Inch Nails – Hurt (also Johnny Cash RIP) “I will make you hurt, if I could start again,a million miles away,I would keep myself,I would find a way”
Ash – Death Trip 21 “One million miles away, My thoughts afloat in speculation”
Yes – Southside of the sky “Were we ever colder on that day a million miles away, It seemed from all of eternity”
Reckless Kelly – Wicked Twisted Road “My first love was a wicked twisted road, I hit the million mile mark at seventeen years old”
UB40 – Style “Well mi fire fi mi lyrics for a million mile”
Afghan – Angies Heart “Oh, she dreams of you, Half a million miles of love come true”

I may have missed some out, but then I’m only proving a point.
Song writers are fucking hopeless at originality. “What would be a fair distance to represent someones love for someone else? – I KNOW! A MILLION MILES!”

So where abouts would a million miles get us then? Lets do some Maths…

Well, with a million miles, you could travel around the earth approximately 40 times, and then have about 2268 miles left. So I could travel from my present location around the world fourty times over and then end up in anywhere in Europe (from The bottom of Italy to The top of Norway(ish))

Lets think three dimensionally. A million miles away will get you…

1/35th of your way to Mars
1/26th of your way to Venus
but on the upside, you could fly to the moon, orbit it, and then fly back with about a quarter of a million miles left spare (Which you could use to orbit the earth too if you felt like it and therefore would end up, pretty much, where you started)

So all in all, a million miles is pretty much fucking useless… Quit putting it in your damned songs already…

It’s quite depressing when you see nearly 20 years of your life in 419 by 397 pixels.

View my childhoold life via satellite right here

It’s moderately interesting if you have nothing better to do.

Scott Mills is so much better than Chris Moyles it’s untrue. I wish someone would just spot this, he plays good music, he’s actually funny and he doesn’t love the sound of his own voice.

Phone one Chinese take away, place an order, then tell them to repeat it back, put them on hold, phone another chinese take away, get the original to talk back their order to the new take away, sit back and listen to the confusion.

This prank call is absolute genius, trust me, please download it here and laugh.

P.s. This is, of course, copyright Radio 1 and I do not condone the act of ripping off someone elses genius and putting it on a website. However, I am handing full credit (plus a link) to the original source, please don’t sue me, I really don’t have any money, and it therefore would be a fruitless exercise.

Hurrah for Radio 1.

EscherSketch is good for those moments when you are bored enough to consider drawing pretty patterns entertaining…

I wonder if you were to put a Slinky on an escalator, would it go on forever?

I will not waste chalk
I will not skateboard in the halls
I will not burp in class
I will not instigate revolution
I will not draw naked ladies in class
I did not see Elvis
I will not call my teacher “Hot Cakes”
Garlic chewing gum|gum is not funny
They are laughing at me, not with me
I will not yell “Fire” in a crowded classroom

Poking a dead raccoon is not research

I feel I would be neglecting my duty to not mention today on SYH.com’s pages. Yes friends, gerbils and even my alter-ego. It is Saint Valentine’s Day today.

Contrary to popular belief, Saint Valentine (or Geoff as he was known to his pals) was actually a serial rapist as well as a very heavy drinker. At best he was a bad tempered bastard, at worst he would often spend time in the small children’s ward of the local hospital and laugh like a drain. He had been known to drink George Best, Russell Crow and that bloke out of Kasabian under the table. After which he would challenge all comers to a game of chenkers.

Chenkers, is the ancient game of coin-tossing. Each person takes a turn in flicking a denomination of currency towards a wall or other such solid object. The rules are simple; the coin must hit the wall and then the floor. The owner of the coin which is closest to the target object wins all the currency thrown.

Geoff Valentine was a particularly skilled chenkers thrower and was often called “Lefty” because of his unusual left handed throwing stance. It’s often believed that Geoff “Lefty” Valentine was also very good at other such pub games as “Kill the barmaid with darts” or perhaps “Who can sustain the most chair hits in a night”

One night, Geoff left his favourite public house (The swinging nut) and swaggered his way to his two bedroom apartment on the river bank of Clyde. “It’s been a fine night, it has m’laddie” he muttered to himself as he strolled down the street. Completely not realising that the temperature had dropped to a rather nippy, minus 33 degrees Celsius.

As he walked, his whiskers began to freeze slowly. He noticed his breathing was becoming heavily laboured as he walked through the ankle high snow. His beer coat slowly began to fall away as the cold started to hit home.

The cold night air huddled all around Geoff as he walked, slowly, he began to freeze into a solid ice statue of a man who has had a little bit too much to drink.

However, this was not the end of Lefty Valentine, true a mere mortal would perish in such temperatures (no matter how many “crazy bastard” cocktails they had had) – Not Lefty, he had long since believed he was a cold hearted reptile. (Many years later, David Icke would begin his quest into becoming a firm believer in the reptilian race that Geoff believed he was a descendant of.)

Trapped in his cell of ice and frost, Lefty looked out across the town courtyard, he wondered if these would be his last glimpses of life on the planet. “Fine fucking way to go…” he thought with his twisted heart.

A light flickered on across the street; like an angel in the night sky. The candle light seemed to get brighter, as if it was getting nearer. Then, a silhouette of a woman crossed the lightened room. An angelic figure of loveliness glided past the window, the like of which Geoff had never seen. (Admittedly, the Swinging Nut was rarely a hotspot of angelic figures, although that heavily depended on the number of Crazy Bastard cocktails) – His heart grew warmer, his pulse raced.

Slowly his body temperature rose, melting the encrusted ice all around him, slowly, it began to drip away, but he didn’t notice, he was transfixed on the window.. Words could not describe the vision.

Before he knew it, Lefty was stood in a wet puddle on the street. His legs could move, maybe to carry him towards the vision. Slowly, step by step his limbs willed him towards the door of the house…

He knocked on the door, about to proclaim his love for the angelic vision. He knocked again, louder, the door slowly creeked open…

“Can I help you?” said the strange man who answered.
“Yes my friend! There is a woman upstairs who is the most incredible vision I have ever seen!” exclaimed Geoff Valentine. “I must have her, she belongs to me” he urged.
“Well, I’m sorry my friend – for that woman is my wife, and we are happily in love” replied the man.

Lefty became enraged, his fists began to swing wildly, but he was no match to the athletic stranger, for every drunken fist that landed, he received several well placed strikes to the chin. The stars began to spin around his head, suddenly the world was merely a blur, and Geoff staggered back swaying in the night air. Again the stranger attacked, landing a perfectly delivered kick to the nuts. (The swinging nuts, swingeth no more)

Geoff fell, hitting his head on the kerb outside the house. His death was painful, and also notably instant.

Many years passed, tales of Geoff and his ultimate love passed from pub to pub, before you knew it, everyone had mobile phones, but Geoff Valentine had not been forgotten, only the sadness and sorrow that surrounded his life.

9:32am and Hallmark had a morning meeting over bagels and frappacino. The CEO sat with the NCO, and the MD conversed with the TFW. They wondered how they could get more money out of people weak minded enough to believe that printed sentiments might be good enough if they were attached to some sort of romantic bullshit card.

“I know, we should use the tale of Geoff Valentine…” said the TFW.
“Sure, but we can’t call it ‘Geoff Valentine’ day – that just sucks shit” says the NCO in reply.
“Well, everyone likes saints, lets make him a saint.. No-one will actually question what the fuck he’s the saint of once we make a card about it” chipped in the CEO
“Got any more bagels?” enquires the MD.

And so the leg-end of Geoff Valentine was blurred into the Patron Saint of Sexually transmitted diseases, however, this was found to be horribly difficult to market on a Hallmark Holiday, (right next to “thank god your mother-in-law-is-dead Wednesday” and “not the 12th of December” Friday)

In an effort to aid marketing, the Legend of Geoff ‘Lefty’ Valentine, became St Valentine. – The years of Chinese whispers had blurred his true vision, and history forgot that the real hero of the story was the random stranger invented purely to kick Saint Valentine in the nuts.

And that my friends is a totally 100% true story; the presence of this copyright symbol proves it unequivocally. ©

“What is a Throbber” I hear you ask, No it’s not something you’d buy from Ann Summers, no it’s not what your toe is called after you’ve kicked a solid object.

A throbber is an icon up in the top right hand of a browser, email application, just about anything. – Thankfully, FireFox allows you to edit and create your own (with a little bit of insider tekky geek knowledge of course)

And so ,I have created a few Throbbers that put various computer gaming characters up in your throbbing area. (ooer)

Throbbers
• Zelda (Click Here)
• Mario (Click Here)
• Bomberman (Click Here)

To install these you must be using FireFox – Why the hell aren’t you?

Unzip the throbber of your choice into this directory on your PC:-
C:/Documents and Settings/<username>/Application Data/Mozilla/Firefox/Profiles/<id>.default/chrome

And hey Presto, it will appear in FireFox the next time you close and open all your FireFox windows.

Hello, much like my promise said on Jan 1st. SYH will be getting mucho slower to load in the coming days and months as I attempt to implement loads of random shit to my site.

The first of the random shit things is the random-shitty-image-thingy over on the left there. Happily click on your Refresh button and watch it pick a different Image every time. Yippee..

Oh, and why? Well because I have so much diskspace usage on SYH that I might as well use it…

P.s. you might get some shit pictures of hmm, well, my webpage layout. Boo-hoo, sucks eh? I should really get round to sorting out my \images\ folder one day.

Not tonight candy boy. Ehhhhh

Is this funny or just something a wanker would say?

IN:“Happy New year, Hope 2005 makes all your dreams come true”

OUT: “I kinda hope my dream of a six foot, axe wielding bunny rabbit doesn’t come true”

Answers on a postcard please.

Hippy Bitch

I found this website and I think it’s the best thing ever in the world. Ever. Go create your own lego Bitch… Qwality, dood.