I admit it, I was slow to the Dragon Age Origins party, maybe the proximity of Mass Effect 2 has made me start looking at Biowares other games and wondering “what if I get 10% as much enjoyment out of one of their other games”

Dragon Age Origins is rough round the edges, (well at least on the X360) – it has some pretty dire control issues, the complexity of the game makes my head hurt, but by golly, for every single moment I find myself a bit lost, I also find myself pissing myself laughing.

The dialog in this game is fucking brilliant, it’s actually inspired good – I won’t ruin it for you, but merely I’ll post a paragraph and you tell me if you want to buy it after it.

Picture the scene, you and your rag-tag band of merry men (wizards, archers and healers) are ploughing through wave after wave of “darkspawn” (The baddies) – until you hit the outskirts of a settlement, someone shouts for your help, but you can’t see them, so you merryily go around hacking everythings heads off… As the yelling gets louder, you notice two dwarfs stood next to a donkey and a trailer (or a caravan if you’re so inclined) – after beating off the marauding hordes, you talk to the elder dwarf. Turns out he’s a trader and is indebted to you for rescuing him and his son. You exchange pleasentry’s (or in my case, call him a cunt and move on) and never really think much of it as you have bigger fish to fry in the settlement.

Later in the quest, you set up a camp, and lo-and-behold, the dwarf and his son rock up in your camp… The dwarf explains that his son looks a bit special, and says he’s autistic, but he has a talent for enchanting your items. To which the spazzer dwarf claps like flipper and shouts ENCHANTMENT ENCHANTMENT over and over,

I defy anyone not to laugh like a drain.

Whichever designer or producer actually said “I know, I think we should have a spasticated enchantment dwarf” and managed to get it all the way through design and production, PAST EA, deserves a fucking medal and an honorary “ScrewYouHippy salutes you” award, (if such a thing existed)

That tale is just 1% of why I’d happily recommend Dragon Age to anyone who’s even slightly into RPG’s/Adventure games…

Since installing Google Analytics, (And Adsense) I’ve noticed two things.

1. 80% of my visitors don’t give a flying fuck about this website at all, and have actually bookmarked category 6 which is “boredom killers”
2. No-one, and I mean, no-one has clicked on an adsense link. Which I find frankly quite amazing.

Little Master Cricket game is getting over 600 hits a month, and not a single person has clicked an adsense link. (*note: this is not some begging attempt to get people to click an adsense link, that’s against googles rules, so please don’t do that now cos you feel guilty, you swines)

Anyway:

To cater for my new found audience, I’m going to post nothing but Boredom Killers for as long as I can maintain it. Now, I appreciate I could go and find some random flash games online and spam one a day to this website, but I’m not going to, because I’m better than that. I’m genuinely going to only post shit that’s good.

Trust me, dear strangers – unlike other websites, if it appears on this site, it’s worth a download.

And so…

StarGuard: A fucking fantastic retro platform game which has more charm than a particularly charming 50’s film star at a dinner party. Please download this game, it’s the fucking bomb.

Sure times change and people grow up and all that m’larky, but something horrible is slowly starting to dawn on me now. One of the reasons I moved to where I live now is because I like the atmosphere in the pubs and restaurants, sure there are a few pretentious pricks, but otherwise, it’s all good. A nice mixture of “old people” and “youngsters” – I’ve always liked that, perhaps it was the core of me thinking “you’ll be old one day but you’ll probably still want to see your mates out every now and then”

But it occurred to me, last Saturday, maybe I’ve stepped over the bridge? Maybe I’m now officially old, maybe I shouldn’t be attempting to dance any more (actually, in truth I stopped that a long time ago after someone described my dancing as a bee on fire trying to put itself out) but the spots where we stand in bars, maybe now we should be stepping to the sides, in the darker corners where the young people don’t go.

When do we realise that maybe now is the time to step aside? My mother had a “fall” the other day, she’s not that old, I thought you were supposed to be 76 when “falls” stopped being funny and started being pelvis related.

Then I look at this website, this tatters of my life, and I think “fuck me, I was 24 when I started writing this” – I’m 31 now, my mind feels different now, there’s no way on earth I could write something as well as I wrote in this post. (even though the contents are fairly amusingly depressed – I suppose lots of good things have happened since then… )

Drum roll

Like becoming a dad.

Yes, it’s true, Moi, me, myself, is on his way to becoming a father. – the poor little bugger is going to have to put up with me being their parent. Maybe this is why I’m suddenly feeling older, because now it’s time to fucking quickly get older before it’s too late? Who knows… Time, will, I’m sure, tell.

Now dear readers, I’d never ever go all “arty” and crap on you, No sir-ee bob. But if you’ve got ten minutes of your lifeforce to waste (and trust me, it seems that I have plenty spare at the moment) – then there are worse ways of spending the time than watching this short film.

Anyway, not sure exactly the motivation for me posting it, just boredom I guess. Hopefully it’ll relieve that boredom you’re having reading this too.

No, not driving a Lamborghini murcielago, (sadly) – this was my mate driving this orange mother fucker, but sadly no photo’s of me driving my personal dream car.

The Audi R8 v10

If, by some crazy alternately bent reality, you’re a lucky owner of an R8, you are, one jammy jammy jammy bastard, and I congratulate you for being so bloody spiffing.

Whilst I never quite got it past 155mph, (which is my own personal land speed record) – however, I managed just over 130mph – which was pant wetting time.

What a fucking awesome car, *sigh* alas, I’ll never have one…

It seems somewhere along the internetz I’ve been added to a list of really nice and well meaning spam. I’ve actually made sure my Junk Mail filters don’t block them now because they cheer me up.. Let me read a few subjects and I defy anyone not to go “awww what a sweety”

Mercedes Fitch writes: “We will take good care of your body and soul” – Awwwwwww

Adolph Raines writes this little gem: “Forget about depression and be in a good mood all the time” – Awwww thats so sweet..

Pauline Bell pens: “Being healthy and sound must be your prime purpose” – Aww Pauline, you’re making me cry..

Fern Gilmore: “When you wish to feel like a superman, nothing should stand in your way” – Aww thanks Fern, you’ve always known what to say…

The unfortunately named Adrian Ho comments: “I will help you turn back the hands of time and feel young again”, Wow Adrian, that’s some claim, but I believe…

I believe in all you guys… You guys are the best!

*teary smiley face*

And then if you start to read the penis extension ones in a funny way you get these (and seriously, I can screenshot these as proof)

“Increasing your weapon will help win the battle” – Poetic.
“Let her polish your new bigger instrument” – I’m so glad I sold that triangle and bought a harp…
“Lost your libido and power? We would help you search for it” – I’m sure it’s around here somewhere…

I like nice spam

Exactly a couple of years back – I wrote about that wonderful Baader Meinhoff phenomenon about me reading up about self-replicating robots, and then the next day spotting it on a google whiteboard.

Well, yesterday, the above image of an etch-a-sketch’d cock was e-mailed to me, as a reference to the below post of the microsoft future technologies video. (oh isn’t this post making you look around all over the shop) – Although the above image was without the fuckin lovely font and text…

Anyway, today, I go and check Xkcd.com and guess what the title of the bloody strip is called…

Etch-A-Sketch

P.s. You can read about the phenomenon (and reasons why it’s complete bullshit) here and indeed here.

GOD DAMN IT… I thought of the “Shopping list that geographically sorts depending on the shops Aisle layout” idea too… Bastards….

Future looks lovely, shame I’ll be long dead by 2019

A Eulogy

I don’t remember when it was, but I was still wet round the ears, a lowly games tester attending his first ECTS back in the mid 90’s. Back when ECTS was fun, when it was (mostly) about games and semi-naked women walking about.

As such a lowly grunt on the games industry ladder, I treated the event with the usual disdain, simply using as a chance to get pissed on the company credit card… You see, when you have “games tester” on your name badge, everyone, everyone ignores you.

But this particular year, that changed, there I was, in a mild stupor wandering around Microsofts stand looking at their games, when something caught my attention, (and it wasn’t another semi-naked chick) – it was a single screen demonstration of a game that was still in development – a single bloke stood next to his PC idly playing Age of Empires

Now, I have absolutely no idea who this guy was, but I imagine he must have been either the producer or some other, but he worked for Ensemble. I awkwardly slid up to the screen to have a look at the cool little animated blokes on the screen and to watch the game.

Much to my surprise, the guy turned and started talking about the game to me, I still remember the conversation, it was about the game – it wasn’t about USP’s, Milestones, “products” and idealistic dreams. It was about the game, The guy was brilliant, and he discussed his game with a real passion. (Now years later, I realise that this passion only comes from people who actually are involved in making the game) – and the critical point, I remember he spoke to me like an equal.

I remember thinking, “Damn it, if I was American, I’d want to work with them” – after one conversation. And here we are, 14 years later and Microsoft have gone and closed them down.

Putting it politely, this is why I fucking loath Microsoft, because they are fucking idiots who are driven by a bottom line. If you can’t see how much passion these guys have for great games then fuck me, you’ll never see it.

And so Ensemble are gone, and no doubt the guys who work there are moving to greener pastures, either to be amalgamated into other companies, or starting their own dreams.

I wish them all the best of luck for the future. R.I.P Ensemble

Now, let me get this straight from the start so that we’re all clear. I’m not against all piracy in the games industry. (Unfortunately it’s just one of those necessary evils – I’m cool with it, you should be too, I like to exact my revenge by downloading Music and Films all over the shop*)

The number of people who’ve contacted me about “R4″ and the such like cartridges after christmas this year almost takes the piss. Seriously, I can count 10 or so people who’ve all approached me and said “I got a DS for Christmas, where can I get a dodgy cartridge so I can download loads of games and not pay for shit”

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I consider myself being able to find and download pirated stuff, kind of like an industry perk. If you make games, you expect them to be copied, so therefore, you’re almost allowing other people to download your games and play them. I wouldn’t expect Id, for example, to pay for any game I’ve made, I’d let them freely pirate it and play it and then hire me. (So I can teach them good gameplay and all that – Thanks Squidy, but you knew I’d always get the final say )

I sort of see it as a right, I’m allowed to download shit, because my shit gets downloaded and I don’t really mind.

It’s the people who have no input to the games industry that I don’t necessarily enjoy watching rip our games. It’s just inevitable. (And for another post, completely solvable too – I’ll discuss that one day)

Anyway… Back to the people requesting I load up a DS hack-cartridge with Barbie games because I have the technical knowledge and know how to do it (for them)….

Although I’d love to say, whenever I get such a request, I kick them in the twat and say “FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING VILLAIN! – You’re the reason I don’t get fucking completion bonuses, and to fucking ask me to facilitate your fucking enjoyment for nothing, is tantamount to me asking you to let me fuck your wife, then ask you to roof my house, and re-install the wiring.”

I don’t say this, unfortunately, but I don’t go out of my way to make it easy for them either. “Yeah, search online for one, then go and download the firmware, then buy and SD card, then copy the games over, and yeah, that’ll work”

I spent a good long chunk of my life not fingering girls behind the bikesheds, or mastering how to play pool, or being cool and learning the names of all the opening moves to chess. (Although I often bluff this when playing chess and say “Oh the reverse dixon, I’ve not seen that since I used a combination of mariot versus old-detroit style”)

The reason I didn’t do all these things was because I was playing with my joystick – fnar fucking fnar. Or I was learning MS-DOS, or I was figuring out what the fuck twos compliment meant and how it could be ignored for the rest of my single bastard life.
I spent these formative years of my life being a socially inept twat, not so you don’t have to, but in reality, to make me millions upon millions of pounds.

It really irritates me to see “Computeach” adverts on TV – They sort of go like this:-

VOICE: “Are you a social shithead who has a shitty job at woolworths?”
VOICE: “No career prospects? No money? Big Jigsaw shaped hole in your minge?”
VOICE: “WELL NO LONGER!!!1! – YOU CAN BECOME AN I.T. PROFESSIONAL AND EARN SHIT LOADS OF CASH BY SATURATING AN ALREADY SATURATED FUCKING MARKET OF ILL TRAINED I.T. FUCKING PROFESSIONALS!”

I hate how computers have become the “easy out” – I long for the days when you needed a six hour training course just to teach you how to get past the bios.

This brings me (finally) onto my point. There’s a shop down my road which is ran by a complete twat, (I say he’s a complete twat, even though I don’t know him, because he drives one of these – Have you ever seen a bigger twats car than that?)

And on his mobile phone shop window, he has an A4 piece of paper with “R4 Nintendo DS HackCartridge for sale here., £25.99″ – Now that’s really taking the piss, isn’t it? – Surely that’s not allowed. Surely the police will one day clap eyes on that and see that? Aren’t R4 cartridges completely illegal?

Or are they? I dunno…

And hence, dear viewers, it’s time to play Fighting Fantasy “Screw You Hippy”

Turn to Page 399 if you want to send a letter to F.A.S.T and get the fucker shut down and so he’ll have to sell his lovely Audi.

or

Turn to page 42 if you want to just ignore this sign and move on your merry way to somerfield.

Did you ever notice that in Final Fantasy books, if the number was above 300, it meant certain death? – It’s true. One of the most annoying ever pages I’ve ever read in one of the FF series was “Turn to page 15 – You wake to find it was all a dream. Game over”

* – Caveat Emptor – This is a joke, I don’t really download loads of music and movies at all, this was used for comic effect. Please don’t send the filth round to my address, please, I’m only kidding. I don’t even have a PC. I’m writing this using a cheese wire, a baked bean tin and a mouse. (The kind that goes squeek – No, I’m not talking about my old squeeky ball-mouse – I’m talking about oh, never mind)

Fucking awesome pirate graphic was nicked from here – In an attempt at Irony, I appreciate that taking this artwork and using for my own purposes is completely against deviantarts spirit of copyright and completely infringes all their rules, but a) I don’t care, and b) it’s about fucking piracy for fucksake… oh, and C) this image was drawn by this guy who is far and away too talented.

And in perfect timing with my previous post about story and games – I go and find an indie developer who gets it right. GravityBone is a great little distraction for … well.. a very short period of time…

I won’t go all “blogosphere” and bleat on about how good this game is. I’m not one for over hyping things… 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, etc etc

This needs to be a full game right now.

Some dude has gone and carked it with a winning lottery ticket in his back pocket, and how his poor old wife is 10m better off.

I was enjoying the whole ironic side of things but then I realized I didn’t want to be like Alanis fucking Morissette and not understand what the word “ironic” means and just use the base example. Oh no, not me, I’d much prefer to spend twenty minutes looking on Wikipedia for definitions and examples of irony and then coming to my own conclusion after speed reading an article that I believe the case above is a good old fucking case of cosmic irony.

Also, I was enjoying reading the article until i reach this quote:-

“I’ve always wanted a Corvette, but I don’t think I’ll buy one. I’ll stick to a small car”

That kind of idiocy makes me seethe with unfettered rage.

P.s – In an “effort” to make SYH a bit more like every other website on the fucking planet, I now aim to post a silly picture like the one above in Every… Single… Post…. (Apart from the ones that I put on by iphone…)

I’ve noticed something of late, and it has begun to perturb me slightly. Knowing my ability explain things in a concise, precise manner, I shall now begin to write a lengthy article based on my personal opinion with absolutely no back up of reality.

I’ve noticed, that to be good at something, you have to be utter shit at something else. And the inverse is always true too.

Let this graph hopefully explain. (Seriously, I’m not trying to rip off Xkcd here but I have a graphics tablet and the reasoning ability of a cornish pasty)

I’ve become to realise that if you’re a shit footballer, the odds are, you’re probably going to end up being a very good manager. I shall now qualify this daft statement with the following list of names.

Alex Ferguson, Rafa Benitez, Alf Ramsey, Matt Busby, Arsene Wenger, Philip Scolari, José Mourinho, Bob Paisley,

Now great players who are/were shit managers:-
Kevin Keegan, Roy Keane (spit), Gianfranco Zola, Tony Adams,

The jury is out on : Paul Ince, Gareth Southgate, Maradonna,

And that’s just the premiership….

All I can think for managers that can arguably be called “good players” and “good managers” are Fabio Capello, Franz Beckenbauer, Jurgen Klinsmann and Martin O’Neill… and like I say, I’m not exactly sure how good Capello was as a player and Klinsmann can only be arguably called a decent manager because he managed his national side.

And it’s not just football… I recently read the Wikipedia entry on Stephen Fry (mainly because he broke his arm on his tele program about America and I wondered how… He never did explain it) – and was surprised to find that Steve has done a bit of jail time.

And then it occurred to me, Mark Wahlberg was also Jailed…
And so was Tim Allen,
And so was Christian Slater,
And so was Robert Downey Jr,
And so was Chuck Berry,
And so was Martha Stewart,
And so was Nick Nolte,
And so was David Bowie,
And so was Vanilla Ice,
and so on and so on…

Caveat Emptor – Admittedly, I’ll conceed that a few of these only did a matter of hours in tweet, but still, you get my point, I’ve never even as much as looked at a long arm shank guv’nor, honest

And then I realised, perhaps to be famous you have to have been in Jail.. Maybe it’s a right of passage or something…

—-

Maybe to be a great musician your nose has to be filled with any drugs money can buy.

Maybe you HAVE to be an irredeemable twat to be a News paper editor… (I’m sure we can all figure out who I’m talking about here)

So kids, if you want to be famous. I suggest this – Go out, don’t play football, do lots of beak, and twat a policeman.

Sure. Fire. Ticket.

Steven Fry once kicked me on the London Underground – I’d love to say he was reading something like Hitch Hikers guide to the galaxy or something and we hit it off like a house on fire, but sadly, he wasn’t, and he didn’t — True Story

Well it looks like my website is working again. Happy fuckin days… Dunno what was going on back there, it got a bit scary with databases wobbling all over the shop like a drunken chinaman.

Anyway – it’s back. Feel free to feel equally upset and disappointed upon my return. Ta.

ARGH

Sorry, I needed to put that in bold. Because the sheer number of games coming out at the moment is fucking crazy.

P.s. For all the Pro Evolution people out there that are determining if they should buy the 2009 iteration of the game. For the love of god. Don’t. I feel like I’ve been backwardly raped by a gate.

http://hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet.com/

Nope. (I hope this has an rss feed)

But I can’t help hoping it does… Just to wipe those smug faces off… well the dolphins mainly…

P.s. I bet I don’t use those tags very often

P.p.s Does anyone else consistently type “Hardon collider”? that must have been a real nightmare to work on..

because this, surely, is heaven…

And if you’re worried about the video and the screenshots (and to be honest, the music in the video) then fear not my friends. Because Ezra Dreisbach himself is making this game.

If only life had a fast forward button.

Edit:

A polite plea – Please, for anyone who hasn’t played Deathtank, please, for the love of god, stop comparing it to Scorched Earth, that’s like comparing it to worms. Which is infinitely stupid, and demonstrates that you know nothing.

Dear Sir/Madam,

I thought it necessary to write to you to point out how fundamentally useless your website is. Whomever you are paying for technical assistance in making your website, you should immediately fire, as they are currently skiving off work and have, instead of fixing the numerous problems, decided to put the catch-all error of “Our technicians are aware of this problem and are currently looking into it”

With no word of over-exaggeration, this error message has been persistently appearing for me since 2006. Either your technicians are slower than the M1 at 5:30pm or someone has seriously gone amiss.

I find that your website is covered in useful features and handy little areas of info, Unfortunately, I also find that actually clicking on any of these areas or features displays this catch-all error message. This gives me the impression that your website is actually a complete joke. Aimed to purely frustrate the user at every turn.

I also note that the “billing and payments” area of the website works perfectly, which is interesting, because thats the bit that actually makes Orange PLC its money isn’t it? Is it just coincidence that the “upgrade your phone” area does not work? And why would a cynical person such as myself suggest that this “upgrading” of your phone also costs Orange PLC money?

Let us both be honest with each other here, it’s in your interests to keep your customers “contract expiry date” as cloaked as possible isn’t it? You don’t want them knowing an exact day as this would prompt a quick upgrade request. No, much better to give them vague dates whenever asked and say “well, it was 18 months since you last renewed, which could have been 19 months ago before you remembered and decided to phone customer services”

I only wanted to have a look at the new handsets using your website. Unfortunately for both of us, I couldn’t. I’d love to dangle the carrot of claiming “I’m leaving orange the next opportunity I can” but to be frank, I probably won’t because I’m fundamentally lazy. Like your webmaster. We both know I’ll keep paying and that’s probably fine.

Anyway, I just wanted to write this letter to waste someones time, call it revenge for wasting my time whilst using your website. Thanks for reading.

Yours not at all sincerely,

Chris Jones
http://www.screwyouhippy.com

Top Gear then, right from the very off, let me make it hugely clear, I’m a big fan. Honestly. So before I go off ranting I just want to clear that up. I have nearly all of Clarksons books, (and quite a few of the others) – and apart from trying to stand in the crowd on the show (looks at Sharky) – I religiously tune in.

My biggest ranting point however, is this new “six show” format they have. It’s winding me up, Surely they didn’t always just do six shows a series and then have a massive twenty week break before coming back?

I know that the production values have obviously gone through the roof (I can’t imagine flying to Japan, filming a couple of cars, then jumping into spitfires and flying to Germany can be cheap) – but come on. Six shows?

I think because it’s so obviously gone big budget, they now feel that each part of the show has to be either, Dramatic, Comedy, or one of those races / car comparisons. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not a stick in the mud where they have to review “normal” cars, (I absolutely hate that argument – I’m seriously not interested in watching a Lexus being driven around a track).

But the one thing they really need to start looking at is the following predictability.

Clarkson will always win, be the last doing anything important and will always get the final word. Fair do’s, it’s his show, but it makes the other two presenters come across as a bit weaker than they did years ago, (where there was a real sense of being on an even keel)

James May will always be in the slow car, fair enough, but Richard Hammond will ALWAYS crash into him pretending that his “brakes have failed” – yes, it was funny the first time in the classic super cars but since then, it’s like brake failure happens in every single car ever made, it’s not funny now. We now expect it whenever they park up.

The set-up jokes are wearing off. I know they have to be set up because that’s what entertainment is, but a few “none-jokes” wouldn’t go amiss either. I mean, I have cobbles near me, and not once has my door fallen off. (And seriously, I’ve driven across them in some cars where I expected it).

Last nights final episode they took on the Germans, surprise surprise, they won in the final race. Yes, it makes for interesting television, but we really wouldn’t have minded if you hadn’t.

I think the biggest sign that the format has changed is that my girlfriend has stopped watching it as keenly as she did. (Which is a pity because it was pretty much the only thing we could agree to watch that didn’t end in “street” or “ers”)

My biggest worry however, is that I don’t know what to suggest to make things better.. Perhaps apart from dropping the six show format and going for, I dunno, Eight? And spacing out the obviously set up jokes a bit more? (That being said, the trips across Africa, the North Pole and America are certainly the funniest ones ever – and I think that’s because it was genuinely funny, as in, not set up.)

Oh and another thing: If Simon Cowell is reading this, I think Jay Kay cheated to get to the number one spot. Since when have they been allowed 9 laps and then the fastest time picked from it? That’s bollocks, isn’t it supposed to be, 8 Practice laps and then a final hot lap? I only mention this because every time they start their fast lap, people in the past have said stuff like “come on, this is it” and “here we go”.

Here’s a WikiPedia article to reinforce my shit.

My love for Jeff Minter is well documented but sometimes I do honestly wonder if he’s just fucking with us.

For those not “with it”, here’s the gambit in an easy to digest blockquote…

Jeff Minter is a pseudo game developer from the early 80’s and arguably 90’s – His games have three main attributes in common. 1. They usually involve goats, llamas or other such animals, 2. They usually have graphics that have been drawn by a hippy blind man on acid, and 3. They are all fucking wank. (I’d love to argue the toss and say that there is a brilliant exception, but there just isn’t)

Anyway, not long back, Jeff released a game called “Space Giraffe” and simultaniously achieved two things, firstly, he won the Chris Jones award for THE shittest name of a game in history and secondly, the game was (correctly) universally slammed as a piece of dog turd, and it sales showed that Jeff has completely and utterly missed the point of Xbox Live arcade.

In defence of his game, he then went on to comment that games such as Frogger (which I agree IS shitty death), and PAC-MAN were nothing new and didn’t deserve the astronmical sales they achieved. Arguing that trying to do something “new” with XBLA in Space Giraffe hurt sales, even though the game is basically exactly the same as his past “efforts”

Now I see that he’s releasing another game Gridrunner +++ on the service he so happily slagged. So why? Why would a person who cosmically failed previously bother to try again?

Is it perhaps that Jeff knows he’s a dinosaur from a by-gone era where he was only semi-famous for making shit stoner games and in the modern world of “indie gaming” *spit spit* he’s a nobody with antiquated ideas of what makes a decent game?

I hope this one gets slammed to shit, and personally, I hope it’s a fucking amazing game. Cos that’ll Really piss him off.

Obviously missing the plot of the film…

Go do that voodoo, that you do so well!

Apparently, Heddy Lamarr (“that’s hedley”) died yesterday

Gutted, but at least he starred in one of my all time favorite movies. (No not the Starwars Holiday special)

P.s. His real name was Harvey Korman

And so the football season comes to a close and all is happy in the world again. The birds, tweeting their way to work this morning reminded me that there is sunshine outside.
My Xbox Red-Ringged of Death (RROD’d for the l33t) last night, preventing me from playing Gta IV – meaning I have to spend more time in beer gardens,

Everything, every single thing I can think of is pointing me towards alcoholism in a beer garden at the moment.

Even England not qualifying for the European 2008 championships is a sure sign that my kidneys are in for some serious vodka-bashing. – You see, I normally watch a few games in the comfort of my own home, when all the silly flag-painted girls of the world have gone home and given up trying to understand what the offside rule is.

For laughs nowadays, I now say things like “You’re offside when you’re in the final third of the pitch without the ball” – it’s funny watching them shout “offside” when someones about to take a penalty or something…

But because England aren’t there, I have no vested interest in the tournament, therefore, I don’t care where I watch it, which means my probability of public house presence is increased during match time between two sparring nations.

And this brings me to my dilemma, – Whom should I support?

Lets eliminate the obvious ones right from the start:-

France I couldn’t possibly support the French because I happen to think they are cunts. I’m yet to find a single example of a person who is French (or even displays French characteristics) that I’ve even remotely liked. They are, and always will be cheese eating surrender monkeys.

Germany – Now, let me be clear about this, I actually like Germans, I really do, I have absolutely nothing against them. However, in the footballing sphere, I hate them approximately 95% as much as the French. It’s the kind of hate that I feel for, oh I dunno, Italy, undeniably they are a great and successful footballing nation, but there’s just something I can’t like about them because they bombed our chippy. It’s true.

Okay, so that’s them out…

Now time for the not so obvious ones I can’t support:-

Romania – In the 1998 world cup, the Romanian team dyed their hair yellow/white because they beat England – Even though it was only in the group stage and meant next to nothing – they still felt it necessary to celebrate in a really cocky manner that should prevent Dan fucking Petrescu from entering this country on fear of stoning to death by white elephant poo. In fact, I’m sorely tempted to find the phone book, find the only Petrescu in there and ring it shouting “CUNT” at volume 11.

Holland – I can’t support Holland either, much though I admire a nation that can be famous for Pornography, drug use and prostitution, I just can’t get myself to forget the Koeman free kick goal – where, yes, he was going to fucking flick one, ALRIGHT, we’ve got it. (R.i.p Brian Moore – thanks for breaking the commentators rules of not predicting something before it happens and getting it right and for all eternity making me dislike the Dutch)

Italy – Again, I have nothing against the Italians, they are a plucky good bunch who I don’t really mind (to be all that honest) – They’ve always been super talented, and have previously been “the team I support” – (especially in World Cup 1994) – however, and this is the but, they are world champions. And therefore, I cannot support them because it would be tantamount to being a glory fan. (For all you Manchester utd fans out there, that means, supporting a team when they are winning, and then slagging them when they aren’t – I’m sure you know about that)

Greece – See above really. Only they are European champions, (and have absolutely bob hope of winning it – not that this particularly bothers me, but hey…)

Sweden – Kind of similar to Romania / Holland – I can’t forgive Thomas Fucking Brolin – and therefore, Cannot support the Swedish. For they are ego-manical cunts who have an awfully high opinion of themselves in football tournaments just because one or two of their fucking players play in Italy.

Turkey – Just can’t support these cunts because they’ve repeatedly stabbed Leeds fans.. Normally, I wouldn’t object, but to not get kicked out of Europe (like we bloody did) is a piss-take, plus they have long hair and I’m only jealous.

Austria – A couple of months ago, Austria would have been fair game, but now, what with the whole “kiddie in a basement” thing – I can’t really support them either. Sure, I appreciate I’m tarring an entire nation on the acts of one, but till I see proof otherwise, I’m from now on going to consider all Austrians Paedos.

Portugal – *sigh* – I’d love to support Portugal, but they have one distinct problem. He’s called Ronaldo, and whilst he is a very good footballer, he’s also the most arrogant prick on the planet – I cannot support such an arrogant prick, throw in the fact he’s a Man United player, and then throw in the fact that he got Rooney sent of (but for some reason everyone forgave him – Oh that’s right, it’s turncoat bloody manc’s again) – and there we have it. Sorry Deco and the others, etc etc…

The Swiss – Joint hosts. I’m not going to support them because they support Paedo’s.

So that leaves me with these choices…

Czech Republic, Croatia, Poland, Russia and Spain

For completely silly reasons, I can’t support the Czech Republic because I don’t care who you are, it shouldn’t be spelled “Czech” it should be spelled Cheque

Croatia – I don’t mind the Croatians, and to be honest there’s been very little footballing reason to dislike them either. Davor Sukur is a name that reminds me how it used to be fun to have a pointy chin. How I miss those days. – Although there’s little reason to dislike them, there’s not particularly much reason to like them either…

Poland – See above. (except the bit about Davor Sukur)

So that brings me down to Russia and Spain

Well, Although my heart says I should support Russia as a whole “thanks for supporting us in the war thing” – I can’t bring myself to support a team as boring as Russia inevitably will be in the tournament.

And so, I have decided to plump for Spain and my reasons are this:-

1.) They’ve never won a tournament – despite being bloody good in qualifying.
2.) They don’t particularly offend me, don’t strike me as particularly arrogant and I cannot recall meeting a Spanard I took an instant frenchmans dislike to.
3.) There’s very little (if any) footballing reason not to. The only result that comes to mind is that Semi-Final vs England in 1996, which we won, because they are as bad at penalties as we are.
4.) They have a few Liverpool players. (see five)
5.) They have Fernando Torres – Who’s a bit of a dream boat.

So there we go, Spain it is…

Lets see how many down you need to go….

Mightygodking.com » Blog Archive » Fun From Yesterday!

before you figure it out

Not Christ? – Wellllll…..

(I particularly love “Christ’s Amazon.co.uk”)

Well, I’ve only got to backrage a sheep (#81) and find a fifty pound note in the street (#7) and I’ll have done them all.

UK:RESISTANCE. Not making a difference since 1996: A BRIDGE THAT LOOKS LIKE A SPACE INVADER

And it really DOES look like a Space Invader.

Skip past this post if you like pretty pictures…

Darwin’s Theory

Okay, I get Darwin’s theory of “only the strongest will survive” and all that yadda yadda. It makes perfect sense, only the better specimens of life continue the chain, however, there’s something I’ve been pondering over for years and years and only now have I realised that it just, simply, doesn’t make any sense.

There are creatures, big and small that are waging war amongst themselves. For an example, the Chameleon is just an odd creature. It changes colour – slightly, when it dictates there is an animal near by that it determines is a threat.

A cat has developed claws over millions of years to use as a weapon, a general annoyance and a clinging device…

God knows how many creatures there are at the bottom of the sea that have developed weapons and counter-weapons to wage this war….

What I don’t get however, is how come humans haven’t developed – like – I dunno – X-ray eyes. Or maybe a finger that can open a beer bottle…

How come a bat gets radar when it’s as blind as a… well bat? – How come we don’t get radar when we go blind? We just get a little bit better sense of sound because of a sense depravity and that’s it.

My brothers cat has five fingers – (and hence, is called Digit) – Where the hell did that come from? – half it’s offspring have the extra digit and half don’t. Presumably one half of these cats are better at hitchhiking and therefore should be considered “stronger” and therefore “survive” – how come over a million / billion years we’ve not changed all that much when a Jellyfish has figured out UV lighting effects and general all-round “look ma’ no backbone” -

I think we’re rubbish… Pinnacle of the species my arse.

Anyway, I’m sure my point is thus…

If a creature develops a weapon such as a particularly nasty venom that it can spit out of any hairy like antenna on it’s back – in an effort to aid it’s ability to catch the Wackacumba creature (which I just invented) – how come the Wackacumba survives long enough to develop a counter-measure body structure. How come this new weapon that creature A posesses doesn’t eradicate the Wackacumba for good? It’s like they’ve had a quick meeting and said:-

“Right, I’m gonna go and develop super-venom spikey bits”
“Thats great, I’ll go and develop the ability to change color so you can’t fucking see me no more, AND then I’ll develop a spike on my nose that helps me eat your bastard Eggs”
“Cool, Meet you back here in a few million years then”
“Right-o, but just remember, you won’t be able to see me”
“Okay, in that case I’ll just develop a sonar ear then too”
“Oh yeah? then I’ll change my ASS to be convex so confuse your fucking radar bastard you twat”

How?! How does this work?! Someone tell me…

Crappy Windows Picture and Image Viewer bug fixed -

Basically, have you ever wondered why the [catchily named] Windows picture and image viewer takes forever to open up a 8kb jpg? When Internet Crap Shite Explorer can open it up in milliseconds.

Well, it’s basically down to you being a lazy bastard and not organising your shit right – if you put a dead .lnk file into a directory with images and then double click on an image to open it in W.P.A.I.V it’ll hang for about 10 seconds whilst saying “generating preview”

If, however, you find and delete said .lnk file, all will be hunky dory and it’ll open in millibastards.

This useful post was brought to you by some wanker..

God loves ironic timing.

Anyone who’s ever had the foolish notion of driving from Warrington Town centre to somewhere much more preferable (like, oh I dunno, the inside of the Ravenous bug blatter beast of Traal or something) – I was following a Citreon Saxo which had a number 40 in a red circle in it.

In Britain, a 40 with a red circle means a speed limit of 40 – Therefore I took an instant dislike to this particular Citreon Saxo because I thought it was a traveling speed-reducing-machine. (Ironic, considering I was doing approximately 0 Mph anyway)

I got a little closer and read under the 40, tiny letters that said “And still sexy”

Well…

“I’ll be the judge of that”…

And then I decided to spend my hour of wasted life examining the claim of sexiness.

Let me see….

A) You’re forty (or over) – which probably narrows the chances by about 75%. Wrinkles on females aren’t particularly sexy, sorry to break this to you now and all that.
B) You’re forty, which by my male understanding of the female menopause means you’re incapable of kids, (which, conversely, makes it a +10 in the sexiness rating – if that wasn’t for C)
C) You’ve probably got kids, judging by the clutter on your parcel shelf. (lets remove another 10 points of sexiness then)
D) You drive a French car, and although the French female is undoubtedly in possession of the sexiest accent, I somehow doubt, you, being in the centre of Warrington have a similar accent. (See E)
E) You probably have a warrington accent.
F) You’re no longer thirty…. Which in most cases detracts from the shag machine illusion which I still hold dear.

And therefore, I conclude, you’re probably actually -27% sexy (which is an aribitary number that I felt like plucking out of the air)

Therefore, I cry fowl, I cry false advertising, I cry myth.

I overtook her, and ya know what? I’m being generous with -27%….

RIP Colin McRae

Apparently I am now a professional-blogger.

Yes, that’s right, I now earn enough income off this site and other blogs on the internet (that shall forever remain nameless) to give up my day job. Yes, suckers, I earn over a hundred grand a year through Google AdSense and I’m loving it, Yahoo also chip in a cool fifty grand each year too –

And so, with regards to all this, I am going to bid fair well to this website. It’s been good, but to be frank, it’s only ever earnt me 6 dollars.

Fucking wank…

(Sadly, this post was a joke, roughly aimed at the twats who actually do earn that sort of cash by having content people want to read)

I’m a big ol’ believer in Karma, call me a fatist (or maybe that should be fate-ist damned letter ‘e’ – why does your use have to be so gosh darned quirky) – but I think if you do good, good things will happen to you. It’s a completely mis-guided belief that makes me a sap and not worthy of walking on this earth, but it also allows me a modicum of sleep at night too.

I help old ladies cross the street, usually by force and over use of shouting. I help people when their car doesn’t start in supermarket car parks with my trusty jump-leads (probably the only thing my father has ever done for me other than halve my chance of success with the opposite sex with regards to a long and meaningful relationship) – and I very often give to charity buckets because I’m a sucker for free stickers. That was a joke, although for some reason I can’t help providing 50p to any charity that involves people drowning… Which is odd, because I’m probably, statistically, the most unlikely person to drown ever as I avoid water like a cat with no legs.

My point, is that I’ve just registered ScrewYouHippy to Blog Action day. And although it has the loathsum word “blog” in it’s title, it is all for a good cause and should make October the 15th quite an amusing day on NewsNow.co.uk – Yes, we blog owners are all committing to writing something about the environment on October the 15th in an effort to raise awareness (and maybe get on that “and finally” bit of the news at 10)

Click the banner to sign up if you have a blog, otherwise, don’t. Because that would be pointless.

You could become lost in your moods if you let yourself get pulled too deeply into your private world of feelings. Sometimes this can be gloomy territory, but not necessarily today. And although this may sound like good news, it’s easier to justify spending more time indulging your fantasies than your real world commitments allow. For now, seek activities that keep you involved with others so you don’t have time to turn inward.

In other words…. Go on Xbox live, play Rainbow Six, listen to crappy music, drink beer, generally mis-treat yourself but, for the love of god, don’t allow yourself two minutes to think because doing that will start the reckoning to begin.

P.s. Fudge.

My best friend just got engaged on Saturday. This pleases me.

You may go.

For you none-tech savvy people out there.

This website logs nearly everything. It records all visits, you have a static IP address. Meaning I can watch you visit, I know exactly when and what you’re looking at. And, because I’m so brilliant clever, I can also detect when someone else you know has looked at my website because they look at the same page, within a time frame, and leave bloody big foot prints. (Remembering I know who they work for) – Thinking you’re “getting away with it” is akin to pushing the first mouse on the trap and then stealing the cheese.

I’m still wondering why you’re visiting though? That’s the morbid bit of me that doesn’t quite get it. Why? Will I ever know why?

Edit: I’m not referring to you sis.

So when a girl tells you that she’s moody. What does that mean then exactly? Am I supposed to be running for the hills?, or am I just supposed to take it like a warning that I’ve done something wrong, but the results of which haven’t yet surfaced in a full on moody escapade?

I swear it’d be easier if there was a “girls for dummies” book or something.

I don’t mind moods to be honest, as long as I’m in the mood to treat them like a challenge then that’s fine. It’s only a problem when I’m in a mood myself. Then we’re on a spiral to destruction and the potential for me to use the words “Shave” and “off” slowly increases…

*sigh*

In other news

There were several posts that I removed from this website for one very important primary reason – now that very important primary reason is no longer a primary reason, the posts are back (obviously on the dates they were originally posted)

Why did I edit SYH content? Because I was denying myself of who I am.

Locals Praying for rain

Something tells me they won’t have to wait that long. The picture is worth a click all on its own.

Edit: Thanks to B3ta for the animation

Simply awesome…

Car…

Train…

(I’m expecting plane – although that might be a bit bad taste.)

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air,
I know I can can count on you.
Sometimes I feel like saying “Lord, I just don’t care”,
but you’ve got the love I need to see me through.

Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough,
And things go wrong no matter what I do.
Now and then I feel like life is just too much,
but you’ve got the love I need to see me through.

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air,
I know I can can count on you.
Sometimes I feel like saying “Lord, I just don’t care”,
but you’ve got the love I need to see me through.

Time after time I say, “Oh lord, what’s the use?”
Time after time I say, “this just won’t do”
but sooner or later in life, the things you love you lose.
Just like before I know I’ll call on you.

Occasionally my thoughts are brave and friends are few,
Occasionally I cry out, “lord what must I do?”
Occasionally I call up “master make me new”
You’ve got the love I need to see me through.

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air,
I know I can can count on you.
Sometimes I feel like saying “Lord, I just don’t care”,
but you’ve got the love I need to see me through.

What a fucking good song that is… I never knew it was about god. Haha, Pity he doesn’t exist really…

I sometimes hate dreams because they do this to me.

Dreams sometimes mean nothing whatsoever, you eat a bit too much cheese before bed time and voila, you’re surfing on the back of a camel in the arctic. If there was a sign that this dream had no hidden meaning at all, it’d be bright pink, flashing neon with the words “this means nothing” written all curled up like.

And then there are the dreams about past events – but for some reason, your brain is highlighting events past that you do not fully grasp the intention behind. Someones barbecue, a drink in a bar with friends, a conversation over the phone. Before you know it, the running theme starts to hit you. Is this your brain saying “you’ve known all along but failed to see the signs”, that little bit of nag you maybe felt when you were conscious, your unconscious is highlighting and bringing back into your focal memory.

I remember some things that are scarily making the pieces fit in my brain – I don’t want to be right but deep down, I think my brain already knows I am. I think I am right and what disappoints me most is that I’m denying it.

I hope for my own sake that I’m wrong, I’m not sure I can go through that again. The only inevitability is that, if I’m right, then one day in the future I’ll know I am right. I can’t simply ignore it as when my subconscious thoughts are confirmed, I’ll remember this day as the “i told you so” day. I’ve had this feeling before and I was exactly right before.

God I hope I’m not right.

And ScrewYouHippy.com is back.. Sorry about the temporary outage, there was a very valid and conscious reason for my turning-offage. (primarily, posts about wiping dolphins out, my deep seated rage whenever Jade Goodie breathes, and my loathing of tomato’s (coming soon))

Sometimes this website is liable to make a bad first impression, which is bad considering my first impressions are normally always bad too. It’s like one deficit over another, but it’s okay now, I’ve already had that little chat and I think I’ve explained myself.

Wow, what a rubbish post. Let me see.

I think my back hurts because I’ve been lifting compost. What on earth is the matter with me? I’m not talking about my lifting of soil, I’m talking about the fact that I’ve purchased soil for a purpose and actually used it.

Jesus, I’ve become an old fart.

Okay, So I missed US Independence day by a few hours.. but at least I didn’t miss this bastard.

X-Day is part of the mythology of the satirical Church of the SubGenius, an organization formed as a parody of cults and extreme religious groups, and their pamphlets and claims. X-Day fell on July 5th, 1998, the scheduled “end of the world”, and has been celebrated on July 5th each year since then. From its inception in 1980, the Church had prophesied that an army of alien invaders would land on the planet Earth and destroy the world of “normals”, “pinks”, and “glorps,” while the members of the Church of the SubGenius would be rescued by the aliens and taken away into space.

When July 5th, 1998 arrived and no alien fleet appeared in the sky, members of the Church began citing a large number of conspiracy theories to explain why the predicted end of the world did not take place. The ddate program claims that the Church “declared that it had got the year upside down” and that X-Day will actually take place in 8661. The most popular explanation for the failure of the prophecy in the Church is usually summarized with the statement, “the calendar is wrong and July 5th, 1998 has not really arrived yet.” Because of this, the Church has held annual gatherings around July 5th of each year since 1998 to celebrate X-day and greet the arrival of the anticipated alien “Sex Goddesses.” No flying saucer rendezvous has been confirmed as of 2007, but members of the Church have been undaunted.

The SubGenius X-Day celebration has become well known in underground culture circles, especially in pagan communities. Of the various X-Day celebrations taking place, the largest and most popular each year has been held at the Brushwood Folklore Center in Sherman, New York, which also hosts the annual Starwood Festival. Many underground rock bands have performed at X-Day in New York, and the event has evolved into a festival similar to Burning Man, lasting for three to five days, with rock concerts, artistic events, bonfires, and parties taking place day and night.

Regular events at X-Day include a symbolic effigy burning of J. R. “Bob” Dobbs (the founder of the Church of the SubGenius); a baptism where participants have their sins “washed away”, “and receive new ones in return”; concerts and performances by underground rock bands and performance artists; theme camps; and an auction where participants are encouraged to donate strange, unusual, and offensive items of all sorts (including themselves).

“Burners” familiar with the Burning Man event have been upset by the fact that X-Day is not a commerce-free event in the fashion of Burning Man – the bands and participants at X-Day are, in fact, encouraged to sell their own items, music CDs and albums, and other paraphernalia. The Church of the SubGenius has responded to these complaints with the statement that it is not a non-profit church: “We’re for-profit, we want profit, and we want to cast out false profits.” However, the Church’s status as an independent corporation with no corporate affiliations has ensured that large, mainstream companies have avoided the X-Day celebration, allowing independent artists and underground performers to flourish. The Church claims to be the only religious organization that is “proud to pay its taxes”.

At times of introspection, it’s always nice to appreciate how insignificant problems actually are when looked at in a much larger perspective. By remembering that you’re just an atom sized cog in a magnificent wheel and your ideals, ideas and logic are defied by the sheer weight of reality around you and it’s also nice to remember that the world puts on pretty shows to help perk up dumped people.

10 of the best natural phenomena

And then pup – an introspective puppy that is also touched by genius and helps us understand that maybe problems aren’t always as big as they first appear. By making issues microscopic, it’s possible to realize the presence of the vast complexities that you’ve not even been considering by micromanaging life’s smallest parts.

Here are a few of my favorites. The metaphors behind them are as transparent as Britney Spears’s underpants.

I’ve summerised the titles of each strip for your own benefit. Hopefully they’ll help someone else feel better too. They sure as helped me.

“Never predict peoples minds”
“Did we ever really have a choice?”
“Presents aren’t about face value”
“The end of the world? Not really..”

Snip

And I care not one fucking bit.

“The wise man doesn’t go around telling everyone he’s wise, he simply lets them prove it for him”

I found this picture whilst looking for a hyperlink on my previous post..

(And indeed, if you click the link below, it’ll take you to this very post. Hu-fucking-rah)

What… a… cunt…

I honestly don’t think this bloke could look any more of a twat. He combines so many shitty elements to form the glorified twat, it’s an almost perfect 100% twatscore™

Is it me or does that girl only have one leg? – Shit, not even Heather McCartney is interested.

Comedy gold.

One of the more bizarre events of my life…

Yesterday I had a phone call from my dear sweet mother inquiring if I had had a package delivered from a company called “bodytemple” – obviously, being as buff as a butchers dog, I don’t need any of that gumpf, so I said “no, course not – Beefcake!”

It turns out that someone had ordered £80 quids worth of Steroids and then delivered them to my old address… Using my name… But on the invoice, the credit card number wasn’t mine.

So it was kind of like a backwards fraud. Someone had decided to send something to me, after paying for it…

However, I was slightly confused as to how the credit card deception had been done. Fundamentally, credit cards check the name against your account number. (Which is why you have to enter your credit card name as it appears on the card, I presume) and/or it checks other things, such as expiry date, address.

And so, I had my own mother laughing away to herself thinking that I was hiding my desire to fall over a lot harder. Which I’m not, (because I can’t afford to buy myself Henley’s t-shirts) –

It then transpires that someone knocked on my mothers door last night and politely asked “hi, did you have a package delivered here today?”

It turns out, the guy who lives opposite my mother, also has my name. Chris Jones. And he asked the company, in the event of him not being home, for it to be delivered to the house opposite.

How much of a coinkydinky is that? (I’ll admit, it’d have been better if my name wasn’t as common as fuck)

As an asside, his wife’s name is also the same as my mothers.

… Unless, of course, you are American. In which case I can only sympathise. (Or do I mean sympathize?)

I’m personally loving the princess leia outfit.

Click here to see what I’m talking about if you aren’t smart enough to realise that the picture of the dog links to what I’m talking about.

For the inner geek in us all. Well, the inner geek in some people.

OH ALRIGHT ALRIGHT, I’m a bloody geek.. I dealt with it years ago and now you bloody well should too…

Anyway- I noticed my PC at work had become slower at starting up than George Bests dialysis machine. So I decided to research for an application that would help me identify all those lovely processes that you get when you hit CTRL+ALT+DEL,

And to my utter devastation, shock and surprise, I found one. Written by Microshaft – I mean, erm, yeah, I finally found a decent application written by the big M. (Not including Freecell or Minesweeper)

It’s called Autoruns and it happily identities everything that your PC is loading upon start up, and any other processes. And nicely catagorises them in a way that Services.msc doesn’t. And you can delete them randomly and fuck your PC over! Yay!

One of the bestest features, however, is the ability to right click on any unidentified object and do a google internet search on it. Which invariably takes you to websites like this one (which is very good) which helps you identify what the object is.. As voted by other users of said object. “Oh that’s just Explorer.exe better not disable that one”

Feel free to download this, randomly untick boxes and then blame me… (Not that your Internet Explorer will work after you do that) –
AutoRuns for Windows v8.61

It’s the best application I’ve found like this – but then I’ll admit to only ever looking for a shorter period of time than anyone has ever considered Jade Goodie attractive. I’ve seen others, but I just don’t trust applications that come from companies called “Security Inc technologies” or maybe “AnthraxDenialSoftware corp!!!!1″

Jog on.

ESA – Space Science – Spectacular star birth pictures on Hubble’s 17th birthday

Sometimes I watch the real news and think it’s the day today…

Damn you Chris Morris! Damn you!

My websites host (34sp.com) have just upgraded my account to 600mb of disk space and 2gb of traffic a month.

For nothing.. Just cos they felt like it.

For £17.95 a year. (which I’ve already paid)

I posted about the one phat dj podcasts the other day and I just noticed that Si Jobling himself has posted a comment on my website. (I really do love my ping back server – it attracts all the right people.) – This is the most famous person to visit ScrewYouHippy.com so far. (Although I promise to keep writing inflammatory comments about Heather Mills, in the hope one-day she visits and I can then say the universally pleasing “I’m allowed to make fun of your leg, because my uncle only has one leg too so that makes it okay”)

*bow bow* for I am not worthy. *bow bow bow*

Sorry to pull out the 90’s Waynes World comments, I really should come up with something original, but I have this damned concussion. How the hell do you collide with a door frame anyway?

P.s. in the outside chance that someone more famous than Si has visited and read my website, (in which case I’ll lay a golden egg) can you please make yourself known. (Except for H.R.H@Gmail.com I really do think you’re a fake, m’lady))

Well that only leaves:-

• Herding a field of sheep during a nuclear winter.
• Climbing Everest, blindfolded, with a spastic chimpanzee as a team mate.
• Landing a burning World War II Airplane
• Viewing the world from out of space

(And that doesn’t mean I’ve done everything else – I just don’t rank “being buggered” as an ambition…)

Click for much much much bigger.

Why?! Why on Earth am I going to Berlin? Well your guess is as good as mine sweet child.

I guess I like German Sausage.. Fnar fnar, (ooer missus, etc etc)

See ya when I get back from murdering jews. (Welllll, when in Rome… Or Berlin…)

I think someone at nPower has taken a lot of people hostage and are holding them at ransom.

I’ve now phoned this company twice, and can say that talking to their customer relations people in their call centre is a complete joy. Yes I said joy. – I actually feel like phoning them back for a nice chat.

Maybe there is a mad man holding a revolver to their heads whenever the phone rings and shouts “Be fucking happy, or that wall gets decorated with a nice brain motif”

*ring ring* “Answer it bitch”
“hello – this is nPower and I’m amazingly fucking happy at 9am in the morning on a Thursday, for absolutely no reason, honestly, there isn’t someone holding a gun to my head threatening to eat my kids with a spoon. Oh no, I just love working here, it’s almost as good as working for Google China or maybe Innocent Drinks – but seriously.. *tremble*.. There’s nothing amiss here. help me”

I swear I’m gonna phone back and say “if someone is holding a gun to your head just nod” except we don’t live in an age of video phones so I can’t be bothered.

Anyway – I’m always bleating on about negative stuff in the world on this website so I thought I’d share the joy and love of nPower. (Who are probably only so fucking happy because they are raping the natural earth – lets face it, it makes me joyous)