Crazy Jap Game

Can’t help this should have been called something a bit more original than tagging “mr” onto something to do with explosions.. It’d be better called something like “Crazy Pyromania a-gogo rainbow 24hours” or something… (A reckless disregard for fireworks?)

Anyway, go and download it, play it for all of thirty seconds, be thankful it’s expunged another 30 seconds of your miserable fucking existence.

I’ve never been much of a fan of the Resident Evil side of things really, I mean, I’ve played all the games through, (even the obscure GameCube ones) and I endured the first couple on the original Playstation, and it’s been an interesting-ish sort of ride. I say I’m not really a fan because I’m not a big fan of the distinctly japanese-fanboyism-ness of the game, it’s like the Metal Gear Solid games, I’m just not into them, there’s a sterility that just doesn’t sit right with me. I’ll put my finger on it one day. However, I am “interested” in ressie.

It’s interesting, for instance, how the controls have changed so dramatically from a very confusing fixed camera perspective into the code:veronica version, into Ressie 4, (which was still, ultimately, flawed) but now, all of a sudden, people whinge about RE5’s controls like its some sort of shock to the system? Hang on, Resident Evil games have always had shit controls.

Unfortunately, what people don’t quite get is that the controls sort of have to be a little bit shit because of the type of game it is. For instance, in all the ressie games, you’ll notice that the backwards step is slower than the forwards step. This is so that when a zombie is maurading towards your ass, you can’t get away by simply backpeddling. You’ll be caught eventually, however, you can quick turn and run, except if you do this, you can’t fire. It’s a dilemma that the designers obviously want the player to encounter over and over again. It instills the panic and fear that is the objective of the game.

Ressie is not gears of war, it is not supposed to be Left 4 Dead – you’re not supposed to be the ultimate gun platform using cover as a mechanic to advance inevitably forwards. This game is about close quarters panic gameplay. Every design change away from this ethos is a design step away from making a Resident Evil game.

People harp on about dead space being an infinitely better demonstration of controls, and for the most part they are right, I agree. I’m sure the guys at Capcom could have whole sale cut and paste their control mechanics if they liked.. However, again, there’s another side to the puzzle.

Co-op – if you give the player the ultimate tools to breeze through the game with no real challenge, now imagine that challenge with a secondary player who is equally adept. The game will be a walk over. By intentionally putting in these control flaws. (like the “dying state” and the grapple that is almost impossible to win), you give the secondary player something to work for. (mainly to run over and press “B” to save their partner) – this creates two more things as an outcome.

Teamwork, and togetherness. Vital in a Co-op game.

Now, I’m not saying that RE5’s perfect in any way, I’m merely saying that the decisions the team have made obviously aren’t all that clear cut.

My biggest problem with the new Ressie though is down to it’s co-op nature, and it’s inventory system. Without question, the worst inventory system I’ve ever seen in a game. Aside from the oblivion-esque quick d-pad selection (which doesn’t do diagnals) – the 9 slot inventory system is fundamentally shit. There is no defence for it, it is simply shit.

My example is this. You’re constantly fighting for ammo throughout the game, on difficult, you can easily put a clip of 30 bullets into a group of three or four zombies without even blinking. So you’re always on the look out for ammo, and health, because one hit from a baddie can take you out.

But you can’t pick up ammo because you have more than four guns. Because you can’t BUY ammo, you carry all the guns you can because you want to keep as many bullets as possible, so you have no available slots. And then, you have a pistol for example, (or a handgun) and then “handgun ammo” – so if your pistol has no bullets in it, and you have no available slots, because you are carrying 5 guns and 3 types of ammo and 1 herb, it says “full” – even though your handgun has a capacity of +10 and the ammo you’re picking up is +5 handgun bullets. So it could just load it into the gun instead of insisting it goes into an empty slot.

“Ah Chris, but you’ve not thought this through – that would provide an exploit where the player wouldn’t have to reload when picking up ammo” – I hear you cry. Well how about making it so the next time you switch to that gun, the character reloads. (As that’s what they have to do anyway)

And then there’s the red and green herb thing. Again, two separate entities that have to be mixed together to make a super potion that cures all, Except you can’t pick up the red one because you’re full, so you end up chucking about grenades because you want to create an empty slot, just so you can pick up the red-herb and mix it with the green, meaning you could have kept that grenade.

Or how about this craazy bastard idea. How about letting me BUY fucking ammo in the load-out screen. Make it extremely hideously expensive, or make it so you can only refill your guns – and not buy extra.

Unlike resident 4, you don’t pause the game when you go to the equipment screen. (which is fine, it’s co-op after all) – but there’s no real reason for this in single player? – how about having a real-time none-pausing inventory system when you’re playing in co-op, it’d be fine. The chaos caused in trying to get your sniper rifle out of your backpack whilst zombies are coming might actually be good.

As it stands, you’re expected to predict into the future what’s coming and know if you’ll need your shotgun over your sniper rifle. Press Ready, wait a second and then see you’re in a canyon with a shotgun realising you stand the chance of dick.

Watch as the game then insists in giving you nothing but rifle ammo for the next twelve hours.

RE5 is brilliant, but it’s really a love hate game, its kind of like that relationship you had when you were 15 and find out that really she was an SS officer all along.

Unfortunately, this post has nothing to do with Gauntlet. Mostly because there is no news about Gauntlet, and therefore, nothing to write about it. It’s one of those handy chicken-egg scenarios.

What I do have to write about however, is my beloved Pro-Evolution Soccer… But since, some time back I covered the deficiencies of the game, I thought I’ll take a different route through PES09 and comment on the new mode.

Become a Leg end

If Pro-evolution’s become a legend mode was a section in a sex shop, It’d be the dark dank corner with a big bald bloke called Norman, wearing a gimp mask, stroking a ferret, whilst wearing an assortment of attachments in leather.

It’s sadomasochistic in it’s approach to game play. The premise, for anyone fortunate not to have encountered this mode is this:-

Basically, you have a training match, with a shit skill-less character, and you’re expected to play this game and perform well. Now, no matter how well you do play (For example, I scored a hat-trick, and three assists) – your character will still come out like a Glen Hoddle induced spastic – like you’ve been bad in a previous life and now have the stats of a postman.

You then spend the rest of this “game mode” playing for a selection of teams (the first, invariably is shit) – and have to impress the manager into giving you a starting line up position.

But there are problems, and unfortunately they are quite large.

1. Because you always start with a shit character, the animation system gets in the way of you being able to do anything. So, for an example, when receiving the ball, your character will instead, let it bounce off him, then get tangled up on the super-AI opposition, lose his balance like a spacker, spin round on the spot, wobble, then watch as the ball simply bounces off you to another enemy AI.

2. The opposition AI know the game a lot better than you do. They read your predictable passes, and stop them… Every single one of them – because the passing system is fundamentally broken, any intended pass ends up in the oppositions possession. Any optimistic long-ball pass, you guessed it, ends up in the oppositions possession. Any throw-in, anything.

3. Even if you pick your position as a Centre Forward, because your stats are so shit, the “manager” will put you as a side mid-field. He will never play you up front because you’re not as good as Cisse on paper. – And because you’re not playing up front, you’re not scoring consistently, or performing very well, because being a side mid-fielder who can’t pass isn’t particularly useful, So your ratings aren’t that good, So the manager doesn’t play you as a “first team player” – so you get subbed on or off, every game.

4. Then, at some point during a match, you’ll be one-on-one with the keeper, practically walking towards him with the ball at your feet. One of two things is going to happen, first, the opposition defender will probably simply walk in front of you and take the ball from you, (and I do mean walk, without even a hint of a tackle or challenge, they simply take the ball from you) – or two, and much much worse, you actually pull off a shot, which is akin to having a haircut by a rapist.

5. So there you are, stuck with shit stats, being subbed every game, being played in the wrong position, and desperately fighting the fucking AI cunts who are capable of blocking every single thing you do. And then your team mates- because you’re so shit, stop passing you the ball. Even when you’re stood in the oppositions half, on your own, with no-one within two miles of you, they’ll still pass the ball backwards. And then lose it, because they are cunts, and the opposition striker will then glide past you and your team mates and stick a goal in.

6. Or maybe, your team will fluke an early goal, this is a dreaded scenario, because within twenty seconds of your team scoring, the opposition suddenly become ball-possession super-mutants, who simply fuck with the laws of the space time continuum and become impossible to take the ball off. Pro-Evolution has always raped the AI when you score, so that they become much more skilled. Even fucking Bognor Regis become super-footballing-gods when they are 1-0 down in the first half. But in Become a legend mode, it’s made all the worse because you are a single guy and can do approximately bollocks all about it. Seriously, you might as well just put the joypad down and watch because you simply cannot stop a corner with a header, you cannot clear a bouncing ball in the box because your stats are so wank, and you can’t dribble it out either because that’s just fucking doomed.

7. And to top all that, the you’ve obviously buggered the referee’s wife before the game. If you press the X button, you’ll get a yellow card. Honestly, it doesn’t matter if you make a challenge that so obviously got the ball that the ball has your fucking name sewn onto it, it’s a yellow. Or if you tackled from anything but head-on, it’s a red. I went so far as to actually physically remove the blue button from my joypad. As this button is also shoot, it’s a bit of a problem for a normal striker, but not me, because I’m fucking side mid-fucking-field.

8. The in-between match screens are fucking hideous, Not only are they slow, but they are fucking awfully laid out. There is no way on earth you can see the line up of a team that isn’t your next team. So you can’t go and see how Barcelona play, (for their inevitable transfer request) – so you’ll end up playing in a team that plays 4-5-1 again, and you’ll be a side midfield again. Want to find out how many goals you’ve scored for your team? Well, good luck mate, cos you’ll never fucking find it.

9. But it’ll all be okay, because you’ll power up eventually. Play out of your skin, score two goals, set up three and watch as you get a 6.5 on the rating… What the fuck? How can a hat-trick hero get subbed off? Why do I only have 5.5 – OH, it’s because I’ve only made 1 “interception” – which I assume means tackle, or block of a pass. So a strikers primary goal in life isn’t to score goals, it’s to make interceptions. The “manager” rating system is the following formula.

Rating = ((Number_of_interceptions – number_of_goals) / time_on_pitch) * Rand()

10. But that’s alright because the game is just so enjoyable you won’t be able to put it down, you’ll look forward to every other game thinking “this is my chance now!” – “I’ll do better in this game!” – but you won’t, it’s impossible. You’d have to be a sadist to enjoy this fucking game.

11. I thought the Japanese made RPG’s – you know, with depth, and with stats and attributes, and back stories (that bore to me tears) and options, and shit characters with animal ears. I thought that was their bag. So why then, does it always go to shit when they make a sports game? Why do they have the depth of a paddling pool? Why can’t I be interviewed by people after a game for my honest (or not so honest) opinion of the match? Why don’t I get the bottle of champagne for being Man of the match? Why can’t I negotiate with the boss for more money? Why doesn’t my manager give me a pep-talk during half time? Why don’t I see any specific instructions from a foxy chick holding a clipboard? Why DO I NEVER- EVER- EVER take a corner/freekick/penatly? (Honestly the post match screen has these stats listed, so it’s presumably possible, but why do I never take anything?)

12. Edit: I thought of a new one – it’s all going to be okay though, perhaps putting the game on four stars difficulty at the beginning was a mistake. It’s taken you five seasons to realise it, but perhaps you’d enjoy it more if you knocked down the difficulty a bit, you know, just whilst your stats are shit, you’ll put it back up when you become a football god… “I know, I’ll go to the options now and do just that now” you’ll say… You’ll go to the options, and you’ll see that everything is grey’d out and unselectable. Apart from the match length time, you can alter that…. (but as, all that does, is determine how much of a football match you’re going to have to watch before coming on as a sub, it’s pretty fucking A useless too.) – So to alter the difficulty, you have to basically start again, with a shit-skilled character again… On easy… Which then can’t be turned UP when you do become too good. So, the purpose of having a “difficulty setting” is……..?

Basically, this mode is fucking shite. I hate it, I don’t know why I’m even bothering, I guess it’s because I so fundamentally hate the game that I want to see how bad it can possibly be. Pro-evolution is fucking dead to me. Unless I read “Seabass dies in horrific sex spack-attack”, I am never ever ever going to buy another Pro Evo again. You’ve had my money too many times you cunt, I’m going to sell pirate copies of Pro Evolution 2010 on eBay, for a loss. THAT’s how much I hate the fucking game

I want to play with my national side. That’s it. I’m going to keep going till I get an international call up… Then I’m going to go give Norman “Seabass’s” address.

Is Seabass the most shitty name you’ve ever heard for a pseudonym? It’s not “D34thBringeR” now is it?

Now this is a seriously cool game…

Remember!, Dive Well!

Edit: Now with added fucking pictures! (Not literally “fucking pictures”, oh you know what I mean)

yay!, Random Crazy Japanese game FTW

.

Now these are good. No, properly good. Properly, properly boredom killing mother fucking good.

Yes, Three of them, not Twelve, not Two, Three. – They all have a similar theme, it’s called Physics…

DUI

This one is cool, basically, you drive around a little smiley face in a simple physics land and try and remain above the red line. (Remembering that you can’t stop on a Gray box)

Totem Destroyer

Totem destroyer is a similar game, but probably a bit more straight forward, basically the little indiana jones like statue can’t be stood on the ground when the level finishes (You click on the bits that you don’t want to keep)

Hmmm, these games ARE very similar now aren’t they?

Fantastic Contraption

Like bridge builder and Armadillo run, this one is one of those “get something to somewhere using a contraption” thingy… And bloody good it is too.

AKA – greatest game ever…

This one really is good… Not just your usual SYH ‘greatest game ever’, I mean, possibly the greatest game ever made in a web browser, that stutters a little bit but hell, it lets you kill raptors in a jeep. Please for the love of garlic bread, play this game.

Never ever underestimate the power of naming in game characters for base humour amusement.

Check out this “road trip” simulator – I don’t even know where Thule is (I thought it was in the US, but hey, I’m ignoranté and all that.)

It’s pretty funny stuff, but funnier when you name the passengers silly things.
Thule Trail

As we all know, there’s been a massive Xbox 360 release in the last Two weeks. A game that will happily soak up hours upon hours of your life without apology, regret or even a thank you. No, not Halo 3 (although that did do a fine job of attempting it last night – it really is a multiplayer game at heart…)

I’m talking about bastard Puzzle Quest. (Not really called Bastard Puzzle Quest, but I can’t help whoever didn’t win that boardroom argument should have been fired) – anyway, PQ as it shall forthwith be known is one of those games that pops along and mixes two very simple ideas into one glorious whole. (Not a glory hole, that’s something completely different) –

You see, PQ is a blend of puyo pop / bejeweled / whatever and a classic Japanese RPG such as dragon force or… erm.. Dragon Force. you have a hero who meanders around doing quests for people and fighting badguys, but the best bit about the game isn’t that the fighting is predetermined. You can battle characters much more powerful than you and still win (if you’re good at the puzzle bit)

Then there’s the puzzle bit. Which is very simplistic on the surface but has so many hidden depths it’s quite scary. Honestly, I think I played the game for a solid four hours last night, it’s just addictive, powering up your character, capturing rats, stealing spells and sieging stuff for fun.

All through a puzzle game. It’s genius, although I appreciate I’m probably not selling it all that well, I can happily fall back on the XBLA demo that you could all go and get, or get it on PSP, or DS, or even…

Download the demo

Warning: It’s one of those games that on the surface looks wank, but has hidden depths that will happily eat your sole, soul and shoes.

Much like Peggle.

No longer as crazy in Japanese… (Although it’s now probably a bit more crazy because it’s been translated into English)

Yay!, English FTW

It now has such amazing phrases such as

“She’s going to slap you!”
“Begone tramp!”
“baseborn strumpet”
“gutter wench”

“Your husband does not enter into this, this is a battle between women.”, “indeed it is”

How is it possible that I fuckin’ love it more now?

I’ve tried to post this several times but for some reason I fail with words whenever I attempt to describe what the fuck it actually is.

Apart from tragically hypnotic. I’ve probably been brainwashed to go out and buy a different type of washing powder or something. Either way, I challenge you to click the link and then turn it off within 10 seconds (you’ll find it absolutely impossible – and not just because of the women dancing around)

UNIQLOCK

Hell, I’ll give you twenty seconds.

*note: This website now assumes you have a broadband connection whenever recommending a download or website. Welcome to 2007 babydee.

Resident Evil 5…

Yay!, games are good again…

You get to shoot the population of third world nations!…

Wait till the Daily Mail see this….

Even though their zombies…

DO FUCKING WANT.

Edit: Coolness.

Maybe you heard about EchoCrome, I purposely left it out of my E3 round up because it actually looked pretty good (and I couldn’t possibly say that anything by Sony looked good) – Here’s a movie of a bit of genius that is this game.

Oh, and you can download a PC version here.

Completely wiping out any need to buy a) a PSP, b) this game or c) anything but your PC a nice drink.

If you only ever play one game off my website, please, I beg you, make sure it’s this one.

Fucking genius… God damn.

And it’s the return of the Crazy Jap Game!!! I knew you guys could do it!

Damn these bloody games that should be Japanese but aren’t. This one is a good ol’ tower defence kind of game that is fiendishly deceptive. You place down your little towers to shoot the evil geometry bastards (Sadly they aren’t called this) and then the next wave comes. It’s very cunning.

Try it, even a brainless mouse high on crack would find it fun… Possibly…

It loses some bonus points for having German Euroshit as the music though

Jesus h christ, I really need to buy a HD telly

I’ll repeat those lyrics if you didn’t get them…

Sexy girls observe the boy riding fast!
Searching for the inexplicable villain…
Who utterly killed his Master Chen
Happy Awesome Power!

Kung Fu Jimmy Chow!
Fast and Mighty Jummy Chow!!
Exciting Kung Fu Master!

Working Mall Jobs – Low Pay, no insurance!
Will he capture that cruel monkey?
The monkey always bites his head!

Kung Fu Jimmy Chow!
Happy Awesome Power!
Strong Jimmy Chow!
Exciting Kung Fu Master!

Watch out! The Purple Nurple attack!
Exciting Kung Fu Master!

Okay, altogether now..

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Crazy Jap’s
etc
etc
+1

Lets make this clear right off the bat, I hate final fantasy. I hate it, I really hate it. I fucking loathe it.

Right, got that off my chest.

Last Scenario is a full length RPG made by one person using RPGMakerXP or something or other. And it’s very good, from what I’ve played so far (which amounts to pretty much zero – I rescued a cat from a cave*)

Here is a game made by someone with far too much time on their hands and to be frank far too much talent. The only thing they didn’t get right was the run cycle of the main character.

Sadly it’s not a crazy Jap game, but hell.. I can’t be arsed changing the category name, and it SHOULD be Japanese, that’s the point.

*Spoiler – The cat was dead

Every now and then a game sneaks under the radar for as long as it possibly can and then emerges like a butterfly from it’s stinking chrysalis. This game is good. It’s better than good. Let me explain why…

Crackdown back in it’s box

I put crackdown back in it’s box the other day because I’m nearly there with regards to it’s achievements. I’m slowly grinding away at the tedious orb hunting and will one day probably attempt some of the frankly stupid Stunt ring challenges. Suffice to say, after a solid three days of playing the bloody game, it holds very little for me now. Amazing to think I paid nearly forty quid for it and it didn’t last me a long weekend.

And I wouldn’t consider myself any good at games any more. I’d rank myself along side the dad’s of the world (and/or video game producers who quite frankly can’t play jack shit) – So any ninja playing crackdown will probably have caned it in a day, tops.

This isn’t a crackdown review

I decided to take a risk after reading a very positive (for a change) EuroGaymer review of EDF2017, they gave it.. (Wait for it) 9 out of 10. Now, I’m not really one for reading games websites and “believing the hype” because I know two things about the games industry.

1) there are a lot of fan boys
2) there are a lot of companies willing to pay none-fan-boys or even semi-fan-boys to turn into massive ghey fanboys.

So I normally resort to word of mouth. An internal memo sent round the office said “Everyone should check out EDF, it’s very good” – Signed “An artist”.

We all know Artists know very little about games too. So I was still debating whether or not to purchase.

Then I saw it’s price tag. £17.99 from Play.com – to your door.

Let me say that again incase you’re hard of hearing, A BRAND NEW, Xbox 360 game, delivered, which scored 9/10 on Eurogamer for £17.99

About the game

I put the disk in the drive with that gut feeling you get when you may have just been ripped off and the slow realisation is filtering over you. The game worryingly booted up with an Ant icon, which has the word “Loading” slapped across it whilst blue pulsating circles come out from behind the Ant icon.

Then the game’s title kicks in. With all the arcade bleeps-bloops-and voice overs you expect… in an arcade

Think “Outrun 2″ and you’ll be somewhere about right when it comes to the menuing.

But I like that – No, I love that. The menu doesn’t do anything it shouldn’t. It doesn’t have fancy bollocks, it says “Listen pal, you paid 17.99 for this fucking game, what do you expect? Now shut up and play the fucking game” – And it says it in a very gruff Northern accent. (Much like my own)

The game loads. Back to the ant little icon.

The first level begins and disappears. I mean in twenty seconds, you start, you blast one or two ants, you finish. “Mission Complete” comes the arcade like overlay.

Back to the menu…

It’s at this point you think, “hold on a second.. I think I may need to increase the difficulty from the rather lame Normal, to “Hard”

Otherwise you might wizz through the 50 levels in a crackdown minute.

No… No… No…

The beauty of this game is the following.

There are 50 levels. Each with 5 difficulty ratings. Easy, Normal, Hard, Hardest, Inferno. (Obviously someone didn’t understand the proper use of the word “Hardest”)

Take it from me, anything above Hard is frankly fucking ridiculous. – But here’s the kicker.

Out of the 150 weapons. [Yes, I said 150, not 15] РYou can only get, say, 25 of them on Normal. And then another 40 on Hard (slightly more powerful), and then say another 40 on Hardest, and then the mega weapons are only available to be picked up (or collected like pok̩mon) on Inferno.

But this is where it’s good. Once you have reached level 10 (for example), and collected it’s weapons, you can then go back to level 2 and play it on Hardest, carrying your new powerful weapons, Which in turn allows you to pick up further powerful weapons, which allow you to take on Inferno. Before you know it, you’re playing exactly the same level, but it’s changed so dramatically in skill requirements because of the weapons you’re packing.

The weapons you’re packing.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention, although there are 150 weapons to chose from. (”Hmm, Do I take my rocket launcher that fires quickly but is more random than a Sasquatch wearing a Wetsuit or do I take my deadly accurate sniper rifle that has a reload time of six and a half weeks”)

You can only take two. Yep, Two weapons are your lot. So at the beginning of each level you need to decide what you need to accomplish on each level and tune your weapon decision to that. Which proves to be great, especially when the “invulnerable to whatever your second weapon is – creature” shows up and fucks all your best laid plans.

The game is distinctly lacking in “game polish” – you know the things that publishers want to put on the back of the box. (Ragdoll, fancy screen effects)

They didn’t bother with any of this. they just allowed you to take down *any* building in the game with even a gnats piss of a weapon, and then allowed you to launch ant’s across the entire map using your shotgun.

They didn’t bother with tactical menu’s for your AI team mates, instead, they put, frankly, the biggest explosions of any game ever made in history ever into it.

They didn’t bother making a third person game as everyone else does. With their auto aim systems and silly grappling manouvres, they just said “here’s a gun. go shoot”

It’s fucking ace. If you follow my advice, and buy this game and don’t love it more than Crackdown….

Then you know nothing.

Never before has a game deserved the category “crazy jap game” more than this one

This is a leaked video of the Halo 3 beta that is due out in a few weeks. Obviously some clever beta tester has decided to take it upon himself to spunk his load early, video record it and then post it on GameTrailers.com

Which, of course, is in complete contradiction to Bungie/Microsofts NDA’s (That’s none disclosure agreement for any idiots out there)

So, in an effort to help Bungie and/or Microsoft catch people who irritatingly don’t think we want to hear game sound effects and would rather hear some fucking shite euro-trace remix of Kill Bill’s whistling tune…

I’ve decided to list every fucking gamer tag of the people who walk past. (Sadly the player recording it has blacked out his name everywhere, but I figure if you track who the following people have played, the servers will lead you to the culprit)

Here goes:-

JimmyFargo
Garyc
NutzSquirrel
Master Sig

Banning Halo3 beta testers before the Halo3 Beta release would be so funny, with each of the little fuckers crying like babies because Bungie don’t like them any more.

…unless you’re a female, but I expect definite firming of the nipple area…

Official, ninja’s do exist (as I’ve always suspected)

The pose as 34 year old fishermen, but they are quite clearly a ninja without the mask

And they also appear on game shows

BLOCKSUM official website

Time for the second crazy Jap game of the week – This is blocksum, which is kinda like Sudoku (in the way that it is nothing like) and kinda like Tetris (in the way that it is nothing like)

Basically you have to line up corresponding numbers so that the number of corresponding numbers equals the sum of the corresponding numbers.. Confused? You will be, for a while, and then it slowly sinks in how to play it. And by then you’ll be hopelessly addicted like a crack whore who has to randomly mug old ladies in the street for their daily fix of skranch.

Now leave me alone, I have dreams to ruin…

P.s. I really hate Jade, last night’s argument between Shilpa Shetty and Jade Goodie makes me physically want to run over Jade with a small plastic toy. (I dunno, something like a JCB or something) – for those who missed it. Here is an absolutely classic retort to a quite true statement.

Yay!, it’s finally time for another crazy Japanese game of the (week) – well ladies and germs, I present colocoro which can be downloaded directly from this link or you can visit a completely useless Japanese website that has a load of question marks on it. (I’m not stopping ya or nuffink)

It’s very good, and reminds me of.. well… Pinball I guess (but that is doing it a very large disservice. go and download it, it’s good)

Other stuff

Well, no one has wondered what is going on with the pixel dude in the top corner of the screen. Interesting, all shall be revealed soon(ish)

I’ve been playing this one for a while now, but I spose it’s time that I got around to telling you peeps about it. Knytt is a very simple [wordless] platform/adventure game which is surprisingly well put together and quite charming in a curious Swedish sort of way.

It reminds me of “N” which is no bad thing, the premise is that you play (presumably) Knytt and have to go around the huge map looking for parts of your space craft.

Anyway, go and download it and come back to thank me for pointing you at fantastically super games. Ta.

P.s. There is also a world map available for the cheats amongst you…

P.p.s it isn’t a crazy Jap game it’s a crazy Swedish game.

Toblo is a strange game of caputre the flag, where each player is either a devil or an angel and they have to go round picking up boxes and winging them about into other people/objects.

Looks like it would be fun, if I had any friends to play with.

Famous?

So I panicked slightly when I met someone in “real life” who knew my websites address and the contents of certain posts. I really do need to think about buying a new domain name…

Hey, spot me being deliberately cagey all of a sudden? (You bet your ass)

Mu-cade

ABA games have released a new game for us all to play – looks abit like Geometry wars, lets go download it and find out…

Blockaction is a lot like “N” – however it has some interesting differences. The levels are created by users instead of an omnipresent games designer and therefore there is a real mix of levels (Some being downright impossible – to the curiously odd)

It’s a lot simpler feeling that N but that makes it a little bit more accessable (but sadly no less annoying)

Take a gander and get back to me…

Amazing how this video can be SO fucking crazy / annoying and yet still be quite possibly the coolest thing I have ever seen on the internet. Ever. Period.

For fans of the “Cog” Honda advert.. Check out this…

(link removed – see below)

It will make you want to jizz.

Edit:This link works

Kind of like Eco (not Ecco – you wank) – Eco on the Amiga.

Flow

Anyway I’m glad to announce that this crazy Jap game actually has some Japness to it (and a whole load of crazy)

I’m really beginning to reget specifically saying “Crazy Jap Game” in this category now.. It should have been something like “Reasonably wank internet game”

Anyway – for todays list is Turbo Tanks

Not Japanse – but still cool. (Grid wars)

It’s a simple equation…

Tetris – involves shapes
Triptych – involves shapes and rotation (kinda like tetris)
Jenga – Real world (*Sad smiley face*) – Balancing
Sentinel – Height related game
Black and White – Influence Building…

Tetris + Triptych + Jenga + Sentinel + Black and White = Bontago

Bontago basically appeals to everything I want to play in a game.

I’m a quirky physics bitch. I know.

Zero (shit really – space to fire)

Jelly Invaders (a bit shit really)

A collection of Odd Games (I recommend you try one called “pixel field” for a frustrating as fuck experience… Possibly a bit shit.

**Also on that last link is one called “shoot” which I heartily recommend you play because it’s genius

So there we have it. A bit of a shit update, sorry.

Damn it, it’s not Japanese… What a pity…
However, CRUSH! is well worth a download, it’s a comedy game of revenge and retribution against those pesky Stickmen – I particularly adore the ability to kick said stickmen into the air and then keep them up on the volley. Expertly done and a great tension reliever. Oh I feel all relieved.

Itz unst good ya!

Yes, I was never any good at Chemistry when I was a kid, I was always too busy wondering what use any of this knowledge could be to me with my chosen career in the future.

Sadly life as a porn star didn’t work out and I ended up working on Computers (I wonder if the two are directly related) and in an ironic twist of fate, if I had maybe spent a little more time studying in Chemistry I too could have made this game called Atome (Not sure why they have an extra e, maybe this is kinda like how they add “ium” and “ode” and maybe “ite” depending on the structure of said molecules.)

Anyway, have a go, it’s really very easy for anyone with half a brain. (So I expect you’ll find it rather hard)

Gunroar is the new shoot-em-up from Asahi-net and it is genius.

Remember though, download this one and then play it in twin-sticks mode. Single stick mode is just a fairly generic shoot em up but crazy ol’ double stick mode brings the game to life.

4336765 to beat. (Which is probably easy)

No, it’s not a game of the week. (Sorry) – How about this though for yet more proof that the Japanese are insane?

Paper Craft

Now tell me you’re not tempted.

It’s that time again ladies and Germs.. (I’m almost thinking that I might just create a category called “Crazy Jap Game”) Edit:Done. This one is a fantastic waste of your life/time as you try and help the rather too cute dog ascend the platform type levels.

Of course, this isn’t like Rainbow Islands – this is more like, catapult a dog up a level.

Highly entertaining, if bloody difficult.