One thing that’s been pissing all over my salt and vinegar chips lately is the users of the term “protip” when suggesting or doing anything in a non-sarcstic “no seriously I’m recommending this as a tip of expertise from a professional”

Picture the scene, you’re absent-mindlessly ignoring the world, and decide to take a screenshot of a game or something. And some smart arse comes across and says “hey, PROTIP: if you type HUD on the console it turns off the HUD off and makes your screenshots look really fucking COOL!11!”

So you’re a professional screen shot taker eh? What? That’s your job right? You do that for a living, as in, you have a regular income from the service you provide which is taking screenshots of computer games. What’s that? No? You work in McDonalds?

Oh right, so you’re NOT a professional then huh? WELL FUCK RIGHT OFF SAYING “PRO TIP” you fucking doik.

I’m going to go around to people saying “Hey, TIP!, Look at your watch occasionally to know what time of the day it is!”

GOD it irritates me, because the term “PROTIP” is supposed to be used in a sarcastic way – “hey, parent pissing you off? PROTIP: Kick them in the balls when they aren’t looking” – it’s not actually meant to be used by someone actually offering advice. If you want to offer advice, fine, just don’t use the fucking PRO tip unless:

1. You’re a professional in the field of what you’re fucking talking about.
if you’re a pilot talking some ballbag down from the sky flying a 747 – then PRO TIP is about as fucking reassuring as it gets. “Hey, PROTIP: YOU SHOULDN’T BE ABLE TO SEE THE GROUND FROM WHERE YOU’RE SAT”

2. You’re taking the piss
If you’re actually *not* a pro, but feel like pointing out someone else’s ineptitude – “LOLZ YOU’RE STUCK ON A-ABOUT-TO-BE-BITS PLANE – Hey PROTIP: DON’T FLY PAN-AM”

Both of these exceptions are fine. Anywhere else. fuck off and die. Thanks.

This is a seriously slick little flash golf putting simluation. Annoying as all fuck, but quite entertaining none the less..

I would post my best score, but you’d never believe me anyway, suffice to say “I’ve got an OCD for achievements” – you’ll see what I mean when you go and play it.. Oh yeah, that reminds me, best make the image a link (or for the image adverse, you can use this text link… No need to thank me… freak..)

Blimey it’s cold out there isn’t it? – After a quick click through my Google Analytics, I noticed something hugely disturbing, (well two things to be perfectly honest) – firstly, I really struck a nerve with my braid post – it’s not only set a record for the highest number of comments on this site, but also set a joint record for the number of times I’ve been called a cunt in the comments on this website. Funny how this page draws lots of angry Braid fans to this page…

Don’t worry, my hatred-o-meter is pointing at other games nowadays, maybe I’ll post about them some day.

Secondly, people are still coming to this website. Approximately 70 people a day, sure they may have just bookmarked the garfield comic strip (it is pretty fucking legendary) but I don’t like imagining a sad lonely person eagerly opening www.screwyouhippy.com every day and finding that same post, a sad little smiley face later they click the X of doom on their browser window and go back to wanking and crying.

Well, like all the false dawns before it, I’m gonna try and pick up “my shit” a bit and post a bit more regularly about random shit. Heck, I might even try and integrate facebook or some other SHITTY fucking social media bollocks to try and get my words out there to some people who agree that Braid sucks balls. (Don’t even get me fucking started on The Witness)

Oh yeah, the subject line, I forgot – The state of the UK games industry is completely fucking fucked. I don’t mean a little bit fucked, I mean a LOT fucked. In fact, I’d say more fucked than it’s ever been fucked before, it’s now into the deep dark recesses of some scary fucking fuckedness. If it was at a swearing convention, it’d be drunk, falling over a lot, claiming it used to be “a contender” and now it’s nothing but a bum, it’d stagger outside onto the balcony whilst nice words like “francise” and “product” looked on disapprovingly, and whilst it sat looking out over the landscape of the starry night in it’s drunken stupor, it’d maybe think about just ending it all and jumping off the balcony into the soft, loving embrace of the concrete pavement twelve hundred feet below. A last puff on it’s nicotinell cigerette substitute (it couldn’t afford real ones any more) and the very real realisation that it’s completely fucked. Like it’s just spunked a million dollar pounds on red and it came up black. Fucked.

Biting back the tears of regret, remorse and the mild outrage that Enslaved: Odyssey to the west was considered a commercial flop because it didn’t sell over a million copies in it’s first week, Mr Fucked UK games industry looks down at his name badge, “Hello, I’m FUCKED” it reads back at him, like a mirror into his soul – a self fulfilling name badge. “Where did it all go wrong?” he shouts out to nobody in particular, at least that’s what he thinks he shouted, but what, in actual fact he really shouted was “MBALAH BALAH URGH FUCK OFF!”

We cut back 10 years, his hair is clean cut, and his 20 a day fag habit shows no signs of stopping. He’s loving it though, the drive to work isn’t just a drive, it’s a carpet ride into the magical world of games development, his ideas matter, he thinks outside the box, he gets in the weeds, big thinking, big blue sky thinking, and some of the best games ever made come out of impossibly small teams in the UK – talented little fuckers who can punch well above their weight – but really competing is easy, there isn’t anyone particularly difficult to beat, dancing for the games playing public is the easiest lay Mr Fucked has ever had because he doesn’t have to complete with anyone better looking…

And then it happened… Quake happened, then Half Life happened, and then Call of Duty happened…. Suddenly hollywood teams realised that the games paying public doesn’t want originality in their games, they want product, they want the same game re-hashed time and time again and people will LAP it up – an endless cycle of franchised product. The word “shed-ule” becomes the word “Sked-ule”

Mr UK fucked games industry nods it’s head, and says “OKAY, if that’s how you want it…” and follows suit, eagerly pumping out games which don’t have any original bits, just products, which, (and god love us) aren’t as polished as American products because we don’t have hollywood resources, we can’t afford to pay for hollywood resources, and frankly all our talented guys fucked off to hollywood years ago… So Mr fucked games industry now turns to the prosperity of youth… Youth which it can milk till it’s eagerness has gone and there is nothing left. And there is nothing left. Mr Fucked knows this, but fears admitting it might push the youth away.. The youth like a prisoner kept in captivity starts to feel a strange sort of love for Mr Fucked UK Games industry — A classic case of Stockholm syndrome. Youth loves it’s abusers because they “listen”, they “care” – sure they might anally rape you, but they do it through love.. “You work in the UK Games industry! We used to be brilliant, YOU SHOULD BE HONORED – (now bend over)”

Eventually – There is shock and dismay in the games press and media and the games paying public. “Mr FUCKED UK GAMES INDUSTRY IN SHIT GAME SHOCKER” – well that’s hardly a surprise is it? The talent has all shipped off, and left shells of inadequately equipped teams who don’t have a cat in hells chance of competing against teams that can PUT A FUCKING MIG-21 IN E3 FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES – The young people of the FUCKED UK games industry all realise that this isn’t the way to earn a living and fuck off to work at Greggs bakery for more money, better working conditions and the off-chance of dying before they are 53.

Back to the 2011 balcony, and Mr Fucked UK games industry starts to cry, he just can’t help himself. He’s still got the ideas in his head for “Super Cock Ball 6″ – it’d sell fuck all, but it’d be inspired, it’d have flaming cock arrows and would make people laugh with so much joy that their spleens would literally tear into three. But it doesn’t matter any more because everyone wouldn’t buy it – he’d build it but no-one would come..

And worst still, the forums, the god damn fucking forums… Where you’d get fucking peasants discussing if they feel sorry for the shit games developer like they have any a) opinion that is relevant b) idea what the FUCK is involved in games development c) compassion – not realising that it’s THEY that cause the fucking shit developers because they brutally murder every game that doesn’t satisfy THEM – “I pay 50 bucks for this game, I expect a god damn blow job, oh, and some chicken, and a t-shirt, and MAP MADE OF FUCKING CLOTH” – yeah well fuck you, because Mr Fucked paid for this game in BLOOD, he paid by not sleeping for three months whilst he was ceaselessly whipped – they were under-resourced and expected to perform miracles, they didn’t see their loved ones for MONTHS – only to feed the insatiable forums a 6 out of 10 pile of dog turd with some jumped up shitty little 13 year old with an overinflated sense of self worth and a soap box to spout cunt-dribble from decides to post on a random forum that in their opinion “Super Spack Ball 3″ isn’t worth anyones money and everyone who did work on it should be fired. “LOLZ”

But hey, there’s a new Modern Warfare 3 coming out right? And Battlefield 3 looks okay I guess, and um, Forza 4 doesn’t look much like the previous one honestly… We can endlessly discuss those I suppose. Until there’s nothing left but games like these that instantly sell a billion dollars over night (otherwise they are deemed not a success)

At least we’ll always have the indie development scene right?, guys who make great games and work from home on peanuts, spunking away their life force in the hope that they are working on the next Minecraft, but in the sad realisation that their game might only just get 10 hits a day on their website. Having to eat rats, and suck on moth balls for sustenance. Don’t worry, THEY’LL always be around Right? — doesn’t matter if we torrent their games because they sell SHIT loads of copies for $5 bucks a piece (hey, Minecraft made millions so surely every fucking game makes a similar amount right?) – and then Mr Indie thinks “you know what? FUCK THIS – I can make twice as much money by writing database software AND I don’t get some cunt critising my choice of the method of SQL I wrote”

Anyway… TLDR;

The UK games industry is fucked. It’d jump from the balcony but soon the building is going to be demolished and we’ll all be standing on the rubble looking across the river and thinking “we could build something so much better – if only someone would give us a break” – but in reality we had our chance and we blew it. You greedy fucking ballbags.

Mr Fucked flicks his nicotinell fake cigerette from the balcony, puffs out some imaginary smoke from his cold dead lungs and picks up another SKOL from his tesco’s shopping bag. Undo-ing his bowtie, he turns and heads back into the party, “FUCK IT ALL, FUCK THEM!, FUCK THEM ALL!” races through his mind, after all this, he gave it a bloody good go but he came up short, lets all sit down in recognition of this fact. He smiles a quick darting smile at “Hi I’m GET A REAL JOB”, the temptress, and then looks through the crowd of people. Mr Fucked looks for someone in the crowd, he’s here, Mr Fucked knows he’s here, somewhere in the mixture – where is he..

Aha – there he is.. Mr High Street Games Retail – someone Mr Fucked can finally laugh at…. Someone even more fucked than he is, but better yet, he doesn’t even know it…

P.S. Go and download RSSOWL – and add this link to it, and my shit will parade in your FACE for eternity

http://www.indiedb.com/games/stuntcaronline

That’s where you can go for all the latest news and info about the game. Thanks for your time, much love, Kiss Kiss.

Hi Everyone, Just a quick update to say that Stunt Car Online is now ONLINE

You MUST register for the forums before you can log in, (this is a temporary measure whilst I check the server loads and the global hiscore table system)

Hope you like it, you can read more info about it here.

Well, well, well… I’ve finally gone and done it.. I’ve finally gone and put my money where my mouth is and made a game.

Ladies and Gentlemen, without further ado, I present….

Stunt Car Online

A game written completely by yours truly, a game that’s so epic in scale that here’s what a lot of famous “people in the know” said about it.

Johnathon “Braid” Blow – “Eh? What? Oh that cunt that thinks Braid is rubbish? He’s made a computer game? Does it have shitty car salesmen in it? No? Shit story line? No? – Sounds fucking shit”.

Peter Molypoo -“Well lick my nipples and call me Timothy, The LEGEND that is ScrewYouHippy has gone and made a game eh? Well BUM MY FIST… I don’t believe it. Can you influence people in it by tickling their bum hole? No? Well FUCK, sounds fucking toss to me.”

Cliffy “Becoming Marcus Fenix” B – That shit dick has made a game? Bet it sucks cock, YEAHHHHH

And as you can see, by the raptuous reception it’s getting from it’s peers, you REALLY should go and check it out. (Of course, you can’t yet, because it’s not available to play yet, but once it does, you can go and play it here

It has a GLOBAL LEADERBOARD as well as ONLINE FUCKING MULTIPLAYER… Yes indeed it does. Isn’t that great?

Here’s a video of it kicking the living shit out of Braid

Any edge editors reading, I’ve written a review you can copy and paste into your rag magazine

“Dear Reader,
This fucking ROX.
10/10″

Thanks all – Go and check it out, (oh, and by the way, if you register for the forums, you’ll get early access to the playable game. (Which is a matter of days away) – as you’ll need to be able to log in, it uses your forum username and password because I linked the two…

On a serious note, if everyone could do me the great honour of visiting the website and maybe clicking on the facebook “Like” button – that would endear me greatly.

Yes, you read that right, I’m back bitches.

And would you believe this amazing fact, It’s been a whole year, yes, a whole single year, where I’ve not posted.. Look at the date this was posted, and then look at the date of my last post about Plusus, AMAZING eh? Anyone would think I’ve planned that, but no, I didn’t, I just thought I’d pay for a years fucking website hosting because of all the cunts that haven’t clicked the “donate” button on the right.

Seriously, no fucker has, so what happens? That’s right, you don’t get any posts for a year. Jesus, think about all those fucking things I could have been moaning about in that time. Or maybe posting links to those games that have just suddenly gone bat-shit successful even though I played them years ago and thought “meh” and didn’t post them on my site. – Yeah, well it’s all you none donating douche bags we’ve got to thank for that, Now get back in your cupboard.

Imagine how many fucking moaning cunts could STILL be wrong about Braid. Jesus, let it go already, Braid is as dead as nails now anyway, and I’ve moved my anally retentive hatred of “art games” to Limbo now anyway.

Anyway, I’m going to pop along from time to time, because according to Google Analytics (and I’ve been occasionally watching) this website still gets hit by people quite a bit. And 1% of them aren’t looking for that Naked Mona Sax picture (you know the one… YOU KNOW THE ONE)

So how about it? How about posting a little note in the comment of this post so I know my army of completely dependable and lovable readers are still out there? Otherwise I’ll just switch the site off and we can all move on. (Oh, Did I not mention I now have my own internet hosting company now? Must have slipped my mind)

Level’s 15, 20, and 21 are a BYATCHHHH

But a fun distraction none the less….

I admit it, I was slow to the Dragon Age Origins party, maybe the proximity of Mass Effect 2 has made me start looking at Biowares other games and wondering “what if I get 10% as much enjoyment out of one of their other games”

Dragon Age Origins is rough round the edges, (well at least on the X360) – it has some pretty dire control issues, the complexity of the game makes my head hurt, but by golly, for every single moment I find myself a bit lost, I also find myself pissing myself laughing.

The dialog in this game is fucking brilliant, it’s actually inspired good – I won’t ruin it for you, but merely I’ll post a paragraph and you tell me if you want to buy it after it.

Picture the scene, you and your rag-tag band of merry men (wizards, archers and healers) are ploughing through wave after wave of “darkspawn” (The baddies) – until you hit the outskirts of a settlement, someone shouts for your help, but you can’t see them, so you merryily go around hacking everythings heads off… As the yelling gets louder, you notice two dwarfs stood next to a donkey and a trailer (or a caravan if you’re so inclined) – after beating off the marauding hordes, you talk to the elder dwarf. Turns out he’s a trader and is indebted to you for rescuing him and his son. You exchange pleasentry’s (or in my case, call him a cunt and move on) and never really think much of it as you have bigger fish to fry in the settlement.

Later in the quest, you set up a camp, and lo-and-behold, the dwarf and his son rock up in your camp… The dwarf explains that his son looks a bit special, and says he’s autistic, but he has a talent for enchanting your items. To which the spazzer dwarf claps like flipper and shouts ENCHANTMENT ENCHANTMENT over and over,

I defy anyone not to laugh like a drain.

Whichever designer or producer actually said “I know, I think we should have a spasticated enchantment dwarf” and managed to get it all the way through design and production, PAST EA, deserves a fucking medal and an honorary “ScrewYouHippy salutes you” award, (if such a thing existed)

That tale is just 1% of why I’d happily recommend Dragon Age to anyone who’s even slightly into RPG’s/Adventure games…

I bet the guy who made this video really does hate getting compared to Yahtzee but you have to admit there are some comparisons. Except maybe this guy doesn’t just combine two swearwords into one word and draw obvious similes that people who are none English find funny. At least he admits it’s a blatant rip off (and if you can put up with the stupid voice he maybe makes a few good points)

Anyway, Daniel Floyds main argument hinges on the following.

“There aren’t many girls involved with playing/making video games….”

And this is where it falls down

“naturally, we [males] want to solve this…”

Erm. Naturally? – No, actually, I’ve never once sat there and gone “Hmmm, How to make Call of Duty appeal to more women” – I don’t care about market size and market share, I don’t give two hoots, the people sat around me actually making the games don’t sit around and discuss at length how we can make it appeal to women who.. (and this may come as a shock to some readers) – really don’t give a fuck about video games.

The problem as to why there aren’t as many female video gamers stems from deeply entrenched psychological and physiological training from aeons of development. Look at the army, there aren’t as many females in the army as males. Why is this?

When you’re a baby, if you’re a boy, your room is painted blue and you have army toys. You play soldiers, and if you ever do get a mixed group and play cowboys and Indians you are always a cowboy. You’re told that crying is something girls do, and you’re constantly pressured into a way of thinking, acting and behaving. Some of it is nature, (males have an instinct to hunt and fight that simply goes beyond our experiences) – but an awful lot of it is nurture.

When you’re a baby, if you’re a girl, your room is painted pink and you have dolls. Ken and Barby are your best mates and you’re psychologically programmed to seek a mate. Ken and Barby are representative of the male and female partnership in life, You’re bought things that are feminine, baking ovens (however overtly sexist this is for me to be saying) – you’re interested in shopping, shoes, horses, fashion, feelings, make up, animals, caring for people, children, and all the other wonderful things women like.

Girls reach maturity earlier, they begin to perceive the childish pursuits of males (such as running around with their pointy finger extended and shoutin “ger-ger-ger – got you!”) as immature. This natural perception is entrenched in females brains for the rest of their existence. They view males with a perception that their pursuits, things they simply have no understanding of, as childish and immature. (come on, admit it, guys, who reading this wants to play scalextric right now? Who’d quite like to fly a model airplane or go paintballing?, girls, admit it, who thinks that if they saw a group of males doing any of those things, you’d think “sad, immature, typical, males”)

I’m not saying this is a weakness on either’s behalf, I’m saying this is nature and nurture.

Now, before everyone pipes up in my comments section saying “I’m a girl and I like video games” – congratulations, you’re the exception rather than the rule. Believe it or not, I think I’d be capable of finding a male who doesn’t like video games for every girl you can find that does.

Sure, there are girls making video games, and some who direct, produce and market them. But for everyone of those those, I can name a male fashion designer who makes clothes for women.

I think Daniels most worthy point though is the “boy’s club exclusion” mentality. I don’t openly exclude girls from playing games, if you want to play games and enjoy halo or whatnot, then fine, it doesn’t really bother me one bit. What bothers me more is the “female saddo perception” – and that’s what’s openly wrong about this whole argument. They most likely formulate this opinion due to the popular media and advertising schmucks and their portrayal of females in video games. (making the market seem overtly “during puberty”)

Women don’t need enticing to play video games, that’s step two. Step one is to help them understand that playing video games is no more sad than watching coronation street (something that I find plebeian) it’s more engaging than reading a book, more mentally taxing than watching television, more rewarding than most modern films, and infinitely, infinitely more fun than stripping wallpaper.

In fact, being a gamer, I’m hard pushed to think of anything that I’d rather spend my spare time doing. (apart from the all time number 1)

Joke for the Red Dwarf fans there…

Fair play to some some girls who are occasionally dipping their toes into “casual” games, (I really hate that word) – they play peggle and boggle and facebook shit, and hey, they may even enjoy them and step onto more interesting games (from my perspective) such as the sims, or world of warcraft. One or two might even extend all the way to what we males deem as ‘maturity’ in the video game market and move onto the Bioshocks and Portals. But the key thing here is that girls haven’t been pre-programmed like males have to understand the satisfaction of shooting Germans, or causing mayhem by driving like a dickhead. They simply don’t have that psychological programming. And guess what? Males do,

And Males make video games, and whether they like it or not, they make them with all their psychological make up shinning through, their games are intrinsically affected by their background. Intrinsically making them not appeal to girls. Until this cycle changes, and more girls and more understanding males make video games (and the whole industry bullshit of “one man making the decisions” at the top of the tree suddenly changing his mind) – then this will never change. Sure Nintendo might overtly target females and say “I’m going to make a pony simulator” – but this game lacks universal appeal. Nintendo viewing a need to “target” the market indicates that the market hasn’t reached maturity. (Which it definitely hasn’t)

Maybe it’s just me, but I went to a 21st birthday Party at the weekend where I didn’t really know anyone, and after exchanging small talk with the “adults” of the group (whom I consider myself not to be) – I still found myself having the most stimulating conversation of the night with a 15 year old about Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2, it was like a club that no one but he and I knew about and whilst we discussed the pro’s and cons of the FAMAS vs the FAL – we might as well have been speaking French to anyone listening.

And that’s maybe more the reason why it’s a boys club. Because, genuinely boys growing into young males want nothing much more than to, a) piss off their parents by dis-communicating them and b) they desperately want to fit in. Not knowing about football and Call of Duty at that age is tantamount to being gay. They sure as hell aren’t going to share this information with women who, at that age, are the enemy.

The same is true of girls, but they just have different specialist subjects.